At the start of 2019, I got discarded.
My two and a half year relationship, unfolded into one “goodbye, we’re done” WhatsApp message.
It was sent to me the day before I was set to fly out to meet him in Bali. And it marked the end of his dragged out three days of silence too.
He’d been stonewalling me since I confronted him about some texts that were about to blow up my whole life. And also change the course of what I thought of him forever.
So if you’re wondering what happens after a narcissist discards you. And what to do when you go no contact with one, this is my raw, unfiltered story of what I did to get my power back.
Let’s rewind back to the moment that changed everything
We were both going to Bali separately because my ex had been working away. We’d spent a few weeks apart, me nursing a fractured radial head (my right elbow). And him working in some mine in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere.
Contact had already been sporadic, with short one-worded communication and infrequent calls because he was “too busy” with work to find time to chat.
I’d been on his laptop that I was borrowing, when some messages serendipitously splashed up onto the screen.
I hadn’t even been been snooping – that’s how much I trusted him. So when these messages revealed that my partner had met a woman for a cosy dinner a few months back, my stomach fell through the floor and out my rectum!
I didn’t know if I was going to be sick or shit myself.
Without thinking, I immediately picked up the phone and rang him.
“Who the fuck did you go out for dinner with the night you told me you’d had a burger at the beach by yourself?”
S I L E N C E.
All I could feel was my adrenaline gushing through my veins. He had nothing to say and the more I pressed him for answers, the less he said.
No apologies, no remorse and zero accountability.
I hung up and turned my phone off
That’ll teach him. Good luck trying to call me and apologise now, I naively thought.
If you know what toxic people are like, that tactic didn’t work – he ignored me for the whole time I kept my phone off. Lol!
So I realised I was going to have to take a different approach. I tried bombarding him with texts and calls instead. I needed some answers because the silence was driving me insane. I was fucking miserable, I couldn’t eat or sleep and I felt like I was just waiting for my demise.
Eventually, he put me out of my misery by sending me a WhatsApp message confirming he was done with me. He’d had enough of my shit and was done being depressed because of me! WOW.
So that was the day before our Bali holiday. Just great 👌
I was in such shock that I didn’t tell anyone what happened for hours
Even though I was living in this mad place in Fremantle – with about 12 housemates – I just sat in my room alone thinking, what the fuck do I do now?
But I decided I was still going to take that holiday. And luckily, my now ex, had politely booked another place to stay at.
Which meant I had our lovely king room all to myself, with plenty of space to cry freely.
I was in such a numb state too. A protective thing so I didn’t completely fall apart in front of all the other lovey-dovey couples dining together outside my room.
I didn’t cry or tell any of my friends or family what happened for about three days because I had to let it sink in first.
But my ex didn’t just quietly let me go
He kept sending me snippets of communication every week.
Like replying to an Instagram story, or giving me updates on how he was struggling – enough to keep me hanging on.
I always took his messages as a sign that he couldn’t be without me. That he still needed me, and that maybe we’d get back together again.
I know. Why would you want to get back together with someone who’d just treated you like a stale piece of chewed up gum they tossed into a bin? That’s just how fucked up being in a toxic relationship is – none of it’s logical.
This back and forth went on for weeks. And when I was sunning myself in the Philippines (just after Bali) with my bestie, she made a remark:
“You know babe, even though you’re not with him, he’s still controlling you.”
She saw it as control and that he was dictating my mood, which left a bad taste in my mouth.
So I decided that when I got back to Australia, I was going to move to the opposite side of the country to where my ex lived. I needed to get as far away as possible from him. Because I couldn’t bear the thought of bumping into him while I was still dealing with all of this. Plus, I kept hearing from him which only fed me more hope and kept throwing me off balance too.
That was until my new friend Bec encouraged me to join Tinder and forget my ex. (Terrible advice in hindsight).
Don’t ever join Tinder when you’re vulnerable. It’s a terrible app that destroys your self-esteem when you’ve barely got any left as it is!
My first match was with a guy who got too handsy
The date started off ok. He took me to some Hare Krishna place (probably because the food was cheap and he was tight)! And then we had a walk by the beach under the moonlight. Stopping to perch on a rock for a bit, so he could make his unwarranted move.
His slimy, pushy tactics to take me home didn’t work either. I nearly cried with his tongue in my mouth. It was too much, too soon. So I cut the date short and got out of there. Eventually blocking his number too because he wouldn’t take no for an answer.
A few days later, my ex — who was on the west coast while I was on the east coast, thousands of miles apart — messaged me to ask, “what the fuck are you doing on Tinder?”
The audacity of this man. He doesn’t want me, but he doesn’t want anyone else to have me.
This was my wake up call. The moment that snapped me into action and finally got me to add my ex to my block list. (Two blocks in a week, I was on a roll)!
I actually felt horrible about it. Even wrote him a well thought out goodbye message, telling him I needed space to fall out of love with him.
And then I blocked him. Except for some final words I sent him months later (more on that below).
What happened during the early stages of no contact
After I cut him off, I switched my phone off for a couple of days to remove the extra layer of temptation. And I’d recommend you do the same too. In fact, I’d even take it a step further and keep a record of how you felt when you were talking to them, versus nothing at all.
Because in the days that followed, I noticed a significant difference to my mood. I felt a few percent better than what I’d felt in the lead up to blocking him.
I went no contact with him for months.
Until I got back to the UK for a visit and had a phone call from a friend who had some intel on my ex.
She’d just learned that one of her friends had slept with him multiple times while he was working away.
I literally felt like my insides were about to fall out again.
I was shocked, humiliated and sick to my stomach.
But this was my proof that something had happened. And I got more of it because everyone started to leak their stories about him. How they’d seen him on dating apps, or spotted him out with other women, or disappeared for the night. The truth was just pouring out of my sources now that I knew.
I felt like I was the last to learn about it all
Six months had passed since we’d broken up, and I was now re-living it all again. But a different version, the one where he’d been cheating on me, gaslighting me and lying to me from day one.
It was both heartbreaking and relieving at the same time. Because I finally felt justified in how I felt. I had confirmation that my relationship was far from fucking normal and it had been a betrayal from the beginning.
So I decided to unblock him one last time. I had to have the last word and let him know that he didn’t get away with it and that I knew what he’d done. So I wrote out this empowering, fuck you message. And I made a promise to myself that this text was just for me and I didn’t need a reply.
So I unblocked him, sent it, waited for the two little delivery ticks to appear and blocked him for good.
Why going no contact with a narcissist is empowering
Ever since that message, I’ve completely cut him out of my life.
I deleted and blocked him from everywhere – even Spotify. Because he didn’t deserve access to my library of absolute tunes. I also didn’t want to risk leaving any entry points back into my life.
I finally reached a stage where I realised it was a privilege to know me. One he’d lost because of the utter disrespect he’d shown me throughout our entire relationship.
That’s when I started to reap my power back.
Because I realised I could choose to not let him have access to me. I could cut him him off from me wherever I wanted and I could choose to ignore him forever.
Blocking him from knowing anything about me felt so damn empowering. Which is why I urge you to do the same.
Because if you’re having one of those relationships where you’ve got back together and broken up more times than Ross and Rachel. You’ll start to see the patterns and how there’s no longterm improvement. There’s only ever brief periods of goodness, that fade into the bad stuff. Nothing ever gets better with them.
Seriously, have you ever heard of a story of the woman who got discarded by her narcissist, and then went back and lived happily ever after? It doesn’t exist, right?
Even if they go to therapy or get counselling, they snap back into their personality as soon as they’re met with resistance.
So we need to get realistic about these relationships. Because no matter how much begging, pleading and fixing you do, they’re never going to see you as anything apart from someone that supplies them. It’s sick. A life with them is satanic.
Use the narcissist’s discard as your exit strategy
If someone can just heartlessly ditch you after years of being in a relationship together, that’s not love. And it took me a while to learn that lesson. I also learned another one that I want to pass on to you…
The thing about being discarded by a narcissist is they have a finality to them, one that you can use to your advantage.
So if they break up with you and this is your third, fifth, or sixth time you’re going through this, decide to not go back. Don’t give them the opportunity to reel you back in. Don’t let them dictate your happiness or distress. And take it into your own hands instead:
Block them on everything.
Because every block and every day that goes by where you don’t let them back into your life, you’ll feel 1% better. And even if it’s just a small shift, it’s still worth it compared to the total chaos of that relationship.
What to expect when you go no contact with a narcissist
When you go no contact, they might try different tactics to get you back. Like flying monkeys, new phone numbers, or even showing up at places you go to. This is called hoovering. And it’s why you have to be firm with your blocking and lockdown all areas they could access you. That means every platform and even any mutual friends that could be reporting back to him.
If you want a guide to help you with blocking a narcissist, this blog covers everything you need to know like why you need to block them vs ignore them. And what to expect after you block them too.
Also, a word of warning: you’ll want to check if they’ve tried to contact you. This is normal.
So in the beginning – when you’re super vulnerable to being pulled back in – you need to override that urge and resist unblocking them. Because they’re attempts to get you back can feel very convincing when you’re still healing.
So until you get to a point where it doesn’t matter what they have to say to you, you need to be tight with your blocking. And minimise the risk of them coming back into your life. You need to remember as well that they’re motives to get you back are all about them. Their power and control – not their love for you (even though they might claim its about that). So it’s also worth noting that how narcissists love, isn’t the same as how you love (you can read up on their definition of love here). And you’ll soon see how their meaning differs a lot from yours.
Hold onto the facts, not the fantasies
The lesson here is to trust yourself that everything you experienced was real. They’ve shown you their true colours and their discard was confirmation that you shouldn’t be together. They’ve disrespected you and hurt you, and you deserve so much more than what they’re offering you.
Hold onto the facts of who they are and not the idea of them. Remember their gaslighting, their cheating, their rage, their withholding. Those are the facts that will keep you strong when you’re tempted to break no contact.
The narcissists discard = your exit
I’ll be honest, going no contact will be hard and you’re going to have a shit time doing it.
But it’s much better and healthier to choose a life alone, than one with them. There’s way less stress, drama, tears and anxiety. And you have the power to choose to get rid of all that whenever you want.
And I’m not saying in any way that it’s easy to leave these relationships. I know that. Which is why I actually think it’s easier to use your narcissist’s discard as your way out. So do what I did and decide to not go back the next time they discard you.
When you can make that decision for yourself and do the work to get over the pain of cutting them out of your life. And do it purely for you and your needs, happiness awaits you eventually. So start hoping for that life, instead of one with them. Fuck them!
If you’re thinking about going no contact, and you don’t really know where to start, I’ve got a no contact guide which I’ll link here. It also comes with email guidance, so you’ve got support in your inbox for the first crucial days of no contact. That way you’ve got confirmation you’re doing the right thing and a wee push to keep on going.