I spent years doing everything I was supposed to do to heal from narcissistic abuse and still felt like I wasn’t getting there fast enough. What I eventually worked out is that recovery takes longer when nobody tells you what the process involves, so most of what I learned, I figured out the hard way.
These are the 23 lessons I wish someone had sat me down and told me sooner. They’re the things that, once I understood them, changed how I approached the whole thing.
Why Healing From Narcissistic Abuse Takes Longer Than it Should
Healing from narcissistic abuse takes longer than expected because you’re not just getting over a breakup. You’re undoing the damage of prolonged psychological manipulation. Which means your brain’s predictions about safety, relationships, and your worth are all running on distorted data. Research and therapy can give you understanding, but intellect alone won’t update how your body responds.
That gap is where most people get stuck. And it’s why some of these lessons go beyond the usual advice about self-care and going no contact.
Lesson 1: Go hard on the block button 🚫
This is the number one thing I wish I’d known when I was in my relationship: the window right after a discard is the easiest time to go no contact and get out.
And I wasted my opportunity many times; I kept the door open and didn’t quite block him everywhere. And every time I got a crumb of communication from him, it reset the whole damn cycle again.
So as crushing as it is to be the one who got dumped, it also means the decision is already made for you. You don’t have to find the courage to walk away, they close the door and force you out instead.
So take advantage of that window, the discard being out of your hands can save you the most time and energy.
Lesson 2: Grieve the real him, not the idea of him
I kept replaying the good memories, trying to make sense of everything. Hoping the idealised version I had of him was the real one and that he’d could come back to me someday.
But that version — the fantasy one — was mostly from the beginning, when we first met, and before things changed.
So when it ended, I realised I wasn’t actually grieving him as he was. I was grieving the idea of him and who I hoped he’d be. And once I understood that, everything changed. Because you can’t get closure from a narcissist if you’re obsessing over a version of them that never existed.
You have to accept and grieve the real person they showed you they were. So that includes their abusive behaviour as well — not just remembering their highlights.
Lesson 3: Your feelings aren’t facts
For a long time I treated every emotion like it was a signal I had to act on. If I felt something — I responded to it. So if I was anxious or sad, I took it as a sign to text him or check his Instagram
What shifted for me was understanding that emotions are your brain’s best guess about what’s happening, so your feelings aren’t facts. And after a narcissistic relationship, your brain’s predictions are wildly off because all its data is skewed by the trauma.
So when a feeling comes up, notice it, name it. And then ask yourself: is this telling me something true, or is this an old pattern? Because you don’t have to act on every emotion that shows up, you can just be curious about what it’s showing you instead.
Lesson 4: Use your anger 😡
After my humiliating breakup, I tried to be dignified about the whole thing. You know, stay civil and above it all. Even though I was absolutely destroyed inside.
And one day I just let myself be fucking furious. And it was the first time I’d had any real energy since the breakup.
Because anger moves you forward. So if you’re angry, use it. Use it for motivation to stay away from him, to get you out of bed or to book a therapy session. It won’t last forever, but while it’s there, let it work for you. Move with it.
Lesson 5: Pick one thing and stick with it
I downloaded dating apps, binged horror stories about abuse, went to therapy, pushed myself to socialise, meditated, exercised — all in the same timespan. And it just burnt me out trying to do it all.
The problem wasn’t that those things don’t work, because trust me they do. It’s that your nervous system can’t integrate change when it’s being pulled in ten different directions all at once. You’re already in survival mode. Piling more onto that doesn’t heal you — it just overwhelms you.
So start small and pick one thing to focus on. Make it easy to fit into what you already do. Do it consistently for long enough to see if it’s working. Because one week isn’t enough. Give things a real chance before you try something else.
Lesson 6: Breath-work isn’t woo-woo 😮💨
When I met a breath coach at jiu jitsu, who told me to practice my breathing, I thought it sounded a bit woo-woo at first, and kinda rolled my eyes at. You see, I was looking for something that matched the scale of what I’d been through. So someone telling me to just breathe, felt almost insulting.
But the problem I didn’t realise I had, was that I was breathing in a way that was keeping my nervous system in a constant low-level state of threat. Short, shallow, chest-only breaths. So my body thought it was in danger all the time because the physical pattern of threat was always running in the background.
Learning to breathe into my belly, slowly and regularly — not just when I was panicking — changed how I felt day to day. It’s a signal to your brain that it’s safe to settle, and your body needs it more often than you’d think.
Lesson 7: Journal 📝 – even when you can’t see the point
I nearly stopped journalling because I couldn’t see it making any difference. But when I went back and read entries from a few weeks earlier I didn’t recognise the level of pain I’d been in. I’d forgotten how bad it was, because I was so focused on how bad it still felt.
That’s the thing about healing — it’s so gradual that you can’t see it happening while you’re in it. And when you can’t see it, you start to believe it isn’t happening. Then you stop doing the things that are actually helping you.
Your journal is physical proof of your progress. It’s the only thing that holds up when your inner critic tries to convince you otherwise. So write daily — especially right after the breakup — and don’t edit yourself, just get it out of your head and onto paper.
Lesson 8: Stop talking about him
I had friends who would ask about him. And I would tell them EVERYTHING. Every update, every theory, every thing I’d worked out about why he did what he did.
And every time I talked about him, I was rehearsing the story of what he’d done to me. And the more I rehearsed it, the more central he became to my identity. I was becoming the woman he’d broken, rather than the woman I was trying to become.
So try and take notice of conversations that keep pulling you backwards. And only process what happened in therapy, in your journal, or with people who can hold it properly. Start getting honest with yourself about when you’re venting and when you’re just staying stuck.
Lesson 9: You cannot heal in isolation
Your nervous system learns safety through other people. Specifically through repeated, consistent experiences of being around people who are predictable and calm. So trying to heal entirely alone limits how far you can get.
This doesn’t mean you have to open up to everyone, or push yourself into social situations before you’re ready. It just means that connection needs to be part of your healing process.
So make sure you’re not entirely alone all the time, and you’re also prioritising your social life. And if that feels like too much, you can start small by just building trust with someone safe, like a therapist first.
Lesson 10: Be selective about who you heal with
Healing in community matters, but the wrong community slows you down. Friendships built on shared trauma — where the primary bond is comparing wounds and staying in the story — can keep your nervous system in a state of low-level activation, rather than building it towards calm.
So find people who are doing the work and who are further ahead in their healing than you are. And who can show you what’s possible for you and how much better life can get after this dark time.
Lesson 11: Reconnect with old pals 👯♀️
My ex had pulled me away from people. Or I had let him. Or both — it’s usually a mix of both.
When I got back in touch with an old friend (who I hadn’t seen since my breakup), I was convinced it would be awkward, that she’d have a bad opinion of me because of my ex. And I couldn’t have been more wrong about her. She was so supportive and warm, and she’d actually just been through her own traumatic breakup as well.
Most of the story we tell ourselves about why we can’t reconnect is just leftover shame from the breakup. So don’t be afraid to reach out to an old friend, because if it was a genuine friendship, they’ll just be glad to hear from you.
Lesson 12: Cut the mutual friends ✄
I tried to stay friends with people who were still in my ex’s life because I thought it made me look like the bigger person.
But it only kept me tethered to his world for longer. Because every time I spoke to a mutual friend, it was a chance to accidentally hear something about my ex. So every hangout just felt like self-harm, I was on edge and nervous about him coming up in conversation.
Sometimes the healthier choice is to take a step back and prioritise your needs. So do what you have to do to protect your healing, even if it means losing friends. Because the right ones will follow suit.
Lesson 13: Set a boundary with your circle
I spent months suffering through conversations where his name kept cropping up; too scared to tell people I didn’t want to know about him.
The day I finally said, “please don’t bring him up unless I do” was uncomfortable for about thirty seconds. And then it was done. And it never happened again.
So tell the people close to you directly that you don’t want updates about him, or to discuss him, and you don’t want to be told how he’s doing.
Most people won’t do this automatically out of consideration – they need to be told. Setting that boundary clearly is one of the most practical things you can do to protect your recovery in the early months.
The discomfort of asking for what you need is always less than the suffering of not asking at all. So get comfortable communicating your needs to the people who matter the most to you. Because it’s how you start to practice finding your voice again.
Lesson 14: Don’t wait to hit rock bottom before getting help
I thought I wasn’t bad enough to ask for help, like I hadn’t earned it enough yet. So I waited until my best friend finally said “you need help, this isn’t normal”.
So by the time I went to therapy, I was so deep in my hole, that the climb back up took twice as long. Because the longer you leave it, the more the patterns solidify. And the more you normalise your situation.
So go to therapy as soon as you can. You don’t have to wait to be at your worst before you’re allowed to get help. The earlier you get support, the less damage accumulates in the meantime. Waiting for things to get bad enough is just a longer route to the same starting point.
And just as a bonus tip here: investing in your personal development is the most guaranteed investment you can make. Because you’re going to be with yourself everyday for the rest of your life!
Lesson 15: Just talk therapy isn’t enough
If you’ve felt stuck after therapy, there’s nothing wrong with you. Talk therapy gives you insight and language for what happened. But insight doesn’t automatically change how your body responds to reminders, triggers, or new relationships.
Your brain reconstructs memories using fragments: the words, the images, and the physical sensations attached to them. So when you revisit a painful memory, while your body is still tense and your breath is held, your brain uses those physical signals as evidence that the threat is still present. It may ignore the safety of the therapist’s room entirely and reconstruct the memory from a place of distress.
To shift that, your body needs new physical evidence that the threat has passed. That’s what the difference between somatic coaching and therapy comes down to. So somatic work goes beyond intellect and gives your brain the evidence it needs through sensations and experience. And you need both to properly heal. If you want to explore what that looks like in practice, I work with women on exactly this.
Lesson 16: Use the consultation call to screen your therapist
When I had my first therapist, I regretted not telling her sooner that I needed more input from her: more observations, more directness and way less silence. I didn’t know I could do that. With the next one, I told her upfront from the very first session what I needed and how I wanted to work.
Your consultation call is for gathering information about them, and give information about you. So ask about their therapeutic style, how directive they are, and what their approach is to clients with narcissistic abuse histories.
The relationship with your therapist is so important, and the first session should feel safe enough for you to tell the truth.
Lesson 17: Learn your values early
When I was healing, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I didn’t want. And not nearly enough time figuring out what I did want.
So when I eventually did the work to identify my values — thanks to my genius coach Tim Brownson — it changed how I made decisions. I stopped drifting and started assessing my life more. Like my relationships, my career, my health, and whether the things I did daily aligned with what mattered to me the most.
Knowing your values give you a framework to move towards. It brings everything into perspective and helps you understand yourself more and make better decisions.
Lesson 18: Being alone is peaceful 🕊️
After my ex, I thought being alone was going to be the scariest thing in the world. I also saw it as something to be pitied — like nobody wanted me.
And then I was properly alone, like on the other side of the world entirely alone and away from anyone I knew. And once the initial panic subsided, something unexpected happened…
I noticed how peaceful everything felt. There was no more unpredictability, or monitoring his mood. It had been so constant for so long, that I’d never had enough space to register what it was actually costing me.
The stress I thought was just part of life, was all attached to him. And you don’t fully understand the weight of it, until you’ve removed the source of it.
Lesson 19: Chemistry isn’t love
Chemistry was always at the top of my list for what I wanted to have with a partner. But what even is that? And why do we value it above things like kindness, reliability and respect?
Because those are qualities we can actually measure. Like you can track when a person does what they say they’re going to do. But chemistry? It’s indescribable. It’s a fictional feeling made up by the movies that signals intensity — which is code for narcissist and a nervous system in a heightened state.
Dating after narcissistic abuse gets significantly harder when you’re still using chemistry as your primary measure of whether someone is right for you. So the next time you’re assessing a potential bachelor, ask yourself how they treat you on the daily, not just when they’re trying to impress you. How reliable are they when there’s nothing in it for them?
Lesson 20: Boring might mean safe
When I first started dating my partner, I kept waiting for the fireworks. I told my therapist he was nice but the relationship felt boring. She replied: “what if the fireworks were a sign of an unhealthy relationship?”
And I realised there and then, that boring was actually just calm, and I was reading calm as incompatibility.
That’s when I understood that what I’d been chasing wasn’t love, it was intensity. And intensity had been tangled up with anxiety for such a long time that I’d started to mistake one for the other.
So if someone feels boring, stay curious about that for a bit longer. Boring might just be what safe actually feels like to your nervous system because it hasn’t experienced it enough yet.
Lesson 21: The wounds were there before him
For a while I believed the relationship was the root of all my problems, that once I healed from it I’d be sorted. What I eventually had to face was that something in me was already primed for that relationship way before I even met him. Old wounds made me a good fit for someone who needed control.
The relationship didn’t create those wounds, it just made them impossible for me to ignore them any longer. So if you keep bumping into patterns that seem older than the relationship, that’s the work revealing itself. And that’s actually a good thing, because it’s the stuff that, when you finally address it, changes everything.
Lesson 22: Your next relationship is a test
I was terrified of my first relationship after my ex. I’d spent so long healing and I was convinced I’d either choose badly again, or spend the whole time in my head, analysing everything to death.
What shifted was accepting that the relationship itself was going to be the test. And no amount of preparation, or self-work was going to tell me if I’d actually changed. I was just going to have to dive in and find out.
So try to see your next relationship as information. If old patterns come up, that’s useful data, it’s showing you what still needs work. If things feel different, that’s evidence of the work you’ve done. Either way, you learn something about where you’re at.
Lesson 23: Stop measuring how far you have left to go
I used to ask my therapist constantly how long this was going to take, how many sessions I’d need and when I’d feel normal again. I’d also compare myself to other people who were healing from breakups — not abuse and breakups — and I’d think there was something wrong with me because it was taking so long.
Once I stopped measuring progress by how far I had to go and started looking back at how far I’d come, I realised how much had actually changed. So stop trying to look forward and calculate how far you are from the finishing line. And look back at how far you’ve come instead.
How to move forward from here
Understanding why healing from narcissistic abuse takes the shape it does is really useful, and these 23 lessons are a starting point. But the missing piece often lies with changing how your body responds to what happened to you, because that’s where most people stay stuck for longer than they need to.
So if you still feel like something isn’t shifting at the level of how you feel day to day, my audio course for rebuilding self-trust after a toxic relationship is a good place to start. It’s a gentle body-based exploration that gives your nervous system new experiences of safety, so your responses start to feel like a choice rather than something that just happens to you.