“You need to learn boundaries after narcissistic abuse” —how many times have you heard that bit of advice since your ex narcissist?
A LOT, right?
But there’s a reason for that:
Boundaries are one of the most important parts of healing. And they’re what make you a strong and powerful woman again!
Talking of powerful women…
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others”.
And she’s spot on!
Setting boundaries after narcissistic abuse is exactly about putting yourself first—despite it feeling like the hardest thing to do.
But before we get into that, let’s define what a boundary even is…
What’s a Boundary?
A boundary is simply a limit you set to protect your energy. It’s basically a set of rules for yourself that define what you’re okay with, and not okay with.
Like:
“I won’t be available at all hours of the day. But you can call me between 9am and 12pm”.
So boundaries are about creating space for your wants and needs, without feeling guilty or selfish.
Why do you need boundaries?
They’re there to keep you safe.
But they also let others know where you stand and how you expect to be treated. So there’s no guesswork and just straight up honesty.
Boundaries help you lead an authentic life because it means you’re comfortable with who you are. Because doing the opposite—giving into other peoples needs—doesn’t serve you.
How do you Know When to set a Boundary?
It’s all to do with how you feel when something happens.
Because your feelings, like the famous gut feeling, tell you when and where you need to set a boundary.
So things that make you sad, or uncomfortable, or scared, indicate you need a barrier to protect you. One that encourages a calmer and more comfortable feeling.
Here’s an example:
Let’s say you’ve noticed that when you share good news with your dad, they downplay your achievement. Which makes you feel hurt and regretful you told them.
So your hurt feelings tell you that situation isn’t a healthy one for you. And you need to set a boundary with your dad where you decide to no longer share achievements with him.
And instead, tell your best friend who’ll be there to lift you up and make you feel more supported.
Boundary exercise
This is a simple and fun way for you to practice sensing what a ‘no’ feels like in your body. So I’m going to list some silly questions and when you answer them, notice how the ‘no’ feels for you:
– Can I have your car?
– Will you give me all your money?
– Want to try this kangaroo testicle I just cooked up?
– Here, hold my tarantula for me please?
How does your body tell you it’s a ‘no’? Where do you sense it?
Obviously if these are all things you’d answer yes to (no judgement), then perhaps notice what the yes feels like instead. And then think of some other questions you’d have no problem saying ‘no’ to.
You could even practice this with a friend too.
Why Does Narcissistic Abuse Make Boundary Setting Difficult?
Narcissistic abuse can cause complex PTSD because of how the long term abuse eats away at your sense of safety and self worth. This trauma makes it tough to set boundaries after the abuse ends, and here’s why:
Fear of rejection or abandonment
Relationships with narcissists make you feel neglected, abandoned and rejected. And because of that, you fear that setting boundaries will lead to the same outcome and push people away.
Difficulty recognising your own needs
Complex PTSD comes from repeated trauma. So in narcissistic relationships, you get ignored, dismissed frequently and your needs are secondary to theirs. Which over time, makes you learn to suppress them as a means to avoid conflict or harm.
So when it comes to putting boundaries in place, you have a hard time recognising when they’re needed.
People-pleasing
You get really good at people-pleasing because it helps to keep the peace between you and your narcissist.
So setting boundaries after narcissistic abuse, can feel alien to you as you’ve normalised doing what they want for so long. Which makes it uncomfortable for you to know what you want now.
Confusion about what’s “normal”
If you’ve always had your boundaries disrespected, like since childhood, you won’t know what’s unhealthy or unacceptable behaviour in relationships. Making it difficult for you to see when you need to set them.
Feelings of guilt
Narcissistic abusers ingrain you to feel at fault for everything wrong in the relationship. So when you’re made to feel responsible for the way they treat you, setting boundaries makes you feel guilty and mean.
Hyper-vigilance and distrust
You don’t trust your instincts after being betrayed by a narcissist. Because when someone you thought loved you, harmed you instead, it’s complicated to back your decision making.
And you doubt your ability to set boundaries because you’re so uncertain of who’s safe or not.
Difficulty with regulating emotions
After trauma, boundary setting feels really overwhelming for you. It causes a lot of stress and worry around the potential confrontation it could cause. So rather than feeling triggered, it can feel easier to avoid them instead.
Internalised beliefs
Often, abusers reinforce the idea that setting boundaries is a sign of disrespect, or selfishness. These distorted beliefs can linger, making it hard for you to see having boundaries as a healthy and necessary practice.
How do you protect yourself from narcissists?
By having strong boundaries for yourself.
And what I mean by that is, boundaries you set with a narcissist tend to not work. Because part of their manipulation is testing your boundaries to see what they can get away with.
So they’re always trying to get you to betray yourself. So if you set a boundary with them like “I’ll be out at dinner with friends, so I won’t be on my phone much”…
They’ll push back. And send you a message at 7:01pm, 7:12pm, and 7:28pm—just to see if you’ll give in to them. And when you do—even just once—they’ll know they’ve found your weak spot.
That’s why it’s less about trying to get them to respect your boundary. And more about keeping promises to yourself.
So no matter how much they push your buttons, you’ll stand true to yourself.
Here are some types of boundaries you can set for yourself:
- Time – e.g. no social media after 8pm.
- Emotional – e.g. don’t take on other people’s emotional baggage.
- Personal space – e.g. only agreeing to plans you actually want to do.
- Communication – e.g. limiting contact with people who drain your energy.
- Social media – e.g. unfollowing accounts that make you feel bad about yourself.
- Self-care – e.g. doing something for yourself everyday, like reading.
- Work – e.g. not taking on extra tasks when you don’t have the capacity.
- Financial – e.g. how much you’re allowed to spend on clothes.
- Physical – e.g. getting to bed by 10pm.
- Mental – e.g. practicing mindfulness, or challenging your negative thoughts.
How do you set boundaries after narcissistic abuse?
There are three steps to setting boundaries:
1. Learn your boundaries
Figure out what your wants and needs are first, and then write them down. Get clear on what they are before you try to communicate them.
I did this exact thing in 2019 at the peak of my tragic break up! I sat there with my best friend—in a hostel bar in the Philippines—and wrote out a list of everything I wanted in a future partner.
And this wasn’t so I could get back out there and date straight away. It was a list to keep me accountable of all the things I valued and were important to me.
So when it came down to it, I knew I wasn’t settling for anything less than I deserved.
On that list I had things like, “he makes me a priority”, “treats me with kindness and respect”, “responsible with money” and “doesn’t ignore me for days”!
And I’m happy to report, my partner met pretty much all of them. I did however, have to compromise on one of them—that he doesn’t speak Spanish!
Some things weren’t dealbreakers for me. But they might be for you, and you get to decide how that goes.
Get to know your body signals
Like the ‘no’ exercise above, learn to follow your body’s signals when it’s telling you something’s not right.
Somatic courses, like this one, can help you cultivate better communication between your mind and body.
Complex PTSD really messes with your interpretation of what feels safe or unsafe. So learning to reconnect with your body is crucial for healing.
Because when you start noticing those signals —the tightness in your chest, the knot in your stomach, or that sudden urge to leave— you’re actually tuning in to your body’s way of telling you where your boundaries need to be.
And that’s what helps you learn to trust your gut and judgement again.
*A wee disclosure: there are affiliate links on this page. That just means if you click on a link – and follow through with buying it – i’ll make a commission. Don’t worry, you won’t pay any extra and sometimes you might even get a cheeky discount! Click here for more info.
2. Practice your boundaries
Get comfortable telling people what you need for your healing process to work. Like explaining why you’ve had to stop contact with your narcissist; that its to protect you from further harm.
You need to feel confident making your own decisions and telling people how you need to be supported.
You can start with smaller, low-stake situations to build your confidence. Like, declining social events you don’t want to go to. You can even practice saying it out loud in front of a mirror!
But make sure you stick to the facts and avoid over-explaining too much. Because you don’t need to keep justifying your reasons for doing it. Setting a boundary isn’t you being disrespectful, it’s you respecting yourself.
And the more you do it, the easier it will get to set boundaries in bigger situations.
3. Stick to your boundaries!
Sticking to your boundaries is where the real challenge lies.
Because you can’t control how others are going to respond to them. So focus on honouring your own needs and know that others needs are their responsibility —not yours.
Just be mindful that not everyone will agree to your set of rules, and thats okay.
But the people who genuinely care about you, will respect your boundaries. And the ones who don’t—bin ’em off! Jokes! But seriously, consider distancing yourself if they’re causing you unnecessary suffering. Because someone who’s constantly trying to push your boundaries, could be bad news…
It’s also helpful to remember the last time you didn’t stick to a boundary and how that turned out. Like, did you regret it? Were you uncomfortable?
Because remembering those negative side effects can help you to stick to future boundaries, to avoid a repeat of last time.
7 Tips to help you stick to your boundaries
1. It’s okay to say ‘no’
Dana Skaggs—the queen of boundaries—says:
“Guilt after a “No” indicates an attempt to own someone else’s feelings”.
Which echo’s what I said above about taking accountability for your own feelings, not someone else’s. As long as your boundaries don’t interfere with harming someone else, then you’re golden.
So get clear on what your limits are, and give yourself the freedom to express them.
2. You don’t have to agree with everyone
I think it was Africa Brooke who said you can understand where someone’s coming from. But it doesn’t mean you have to agree with them.
Learn how to respectfully disagree with someone and it won’t feel so daunting when you do it. Like ending conversations with, “let’s agree to disagree”.
3. Don’t let resentment build up
That’s when your passive aggression kicks in, and you respond with answers like, “I’m fine” when you’re totally not fine!
Rather than getting to that point, be more direct with communicating your feelings. You can’t read minds, so don’t expect others to read yours.
4. Have a three strike rule
So don’t let someone let you down more than three times. Because once you reach three, it’s highlighting that this person clearly has a pattern of harmful behaviour.
Especially if you’ve communicated they upset you, and they still don’t do doing anything to stop their behaviour. It shows they’re not taking your feelings into account.
5. Don’t try to control people around you
Apply the ‘let them’ theory Mel Robbins recommends. Where you just let people be and don’t try to influence their behaviour —because you can’t.
It’s far less stressful to change your own actions, than to expect someone to mould to your way of doing things.
6. Look after you
So when your plate’s too full and you feel like you’re going to explode, make sure you spend some time to re-energise yourself.
Whether that’s binging Netflix on the sofa, or heading out into the wilderness for a hike, take time for you. Because if you’re not taking proper care of yourself, you won’t be of any help to anyone else either.
7. Make your own burn book
Just like Mean Girls, “you let it out honey. Put it in the book”. Your gripes, pet peeves, that man who didn’t thank you for holding the door open—just let that anger out in a healthy way.
Especially when you find it too hard to say it out loud, find a space where you can. Journalling is therapeutic and a great way to slow down and process your messy thoughts.
It can also help you keep track of when you get agitated *cough* time of the month *cough*! That way you know when to have more compassion and understanding for yourself.
Start Your Healing Today
Setting boundaries after narcissistic abuse is really about getting to know your needs again. It’s also listening to your body and not being afraid to say ‘no’ when something feels off.
And this takes a lot of time and practice. But there’s always support available if you want to try speed up the healing process.
Which is why I recommend this narcissistic trauma recovery course by Caroline Strawson.
Because she covers all the stuff you need to take care of—from your body to your mind. And she guides you through the work, so you can just keep concentrating on finding yourself again.
When you’re not sure how to heal, it’s easier to follow a path that someone’s laid out for you.
Especially from someone who’s walked it before and had the same struggles and doubts as you. But has overcome them and found a way to teach you to do the same.
So if you want to join a non-counselling, coaching approach, that’s trauma informed, backed by neuroscience. AND other survivors who’ve “made more progress in 12 weeks than they had in 10 years” with this program…
Then invest in yourself and get started today! You’ll be surprised at just how affordable it really is…
*A wee disclosure: there are affiliate links on this page. That just means if you click on a link – and follow through with buying it – i’ll make a commission. Don’t worry, you won’t pay any extra and sometimes you might even get a cheeky discount! Click here for more info.