A few years ago, I met this magnetic guy—the kind you couldn’t keep away from.
It was a passionate start, like I’d found my soulmate.
I’d met him just after a pretty intense romance with a devoted Christian. (Turns out relationships don’t go very far when one of you can’t have sex because of God)!
So I wasn’t exactly on the lookout for a new relationship and I was happy being single.
But that didn’t stop him competing with his best friend for my attention (should’ve noticed the lack of empathy there and then)!
He love-bombed me into believing I’d found “the one”
It was all home cooked meals, compliments and attention. And oh so many questions and interest in who I was.
Only weeks in to dating and he’d already shouted he loved me in a noisy sports bar. Romantic, huh?
Well I put it down to a few too many drinks. Until he repeated it the next day, insinuating he really meant it.
“Marry her, mate”.
Texted his friend, further solidifying his feelings for me.
Weeks into dating and he’d already dropped marriage into the conversation. And despite his average looks, I really felt like I’d landed the jackpot with him.
We had EVERYTHING in common too.
From music and mutual friends, to snow sports and travelling. And get this:
Both met in New Zealand even though we came from the same area in England—how’s that for “meant to be”?
Then he started working away, and everything changed
Early into our relationship, he began working away which I was hesitant about. Especially because he knew I wasn’t down for a long distance relationship. And I’d been super clear about that too.
I started to notice his behaviour shifted when he was away; he became aloof and couldn’t be arsed calling or texting me.
And it created a lot of friction when I’d bring it up. Like I was asking too much of him, and that staying in contact with me was an inconvenience he didn’t have time for.
When he was home he’d then act physically distant with me as well. So no affection, or jumping into bed together to catch up on lost time.
Things gradually got worse every time he left and came back. And the more I questioned the change in our dynamic, the harder it felt to stay close to him.
I’d ask: “are you cheating on me?”, “do you still fancy me?”, or “have I done something wrong?”
And I’d be met with either rage, blame, (what I now know to be) gaslighting, or lots of silent treatment.
And as soon as I got close to giving up and walking away, he’d swoop back in again and beg me back.
But in big, romantic ways that you couldn’t ignore. Like tearful, can’t-live-without-you speeches, or a weekend away together, or even a helicopter ride (true story).
Whatever he needed to win back my love and distract me from the hurt he’d caused.
I became a shell of myself just to keep him
I spent a lot of the relationship insecure, doubting myself, dodging his moods and anticipating his needs. Always scrounging for his scraps of attention and communication. Unable to relax and enjoy the “good moments”, because they too had an expiry date.
I’d try to not overreact when he’d disappear all night and act like I didn’t exist. (Even though it was rotting my insides away).
Telling my friends about him only further cemented I was the problem. Because I could never pinpoint what was wrong, and it wasn’t like it was always that bad. So their bog-standard relationship advice just pushed me to try harder and minimise my feelings. At least I could cling on to the nuggets of hope he’d toss me between his stretches of silent treatment.
The more I longed for the guy I first met, the more my independence shrunk.
I found messages on his laptop – and he went silent
Towards the end of our relationship, he was working away again. And he was emotionally distant, ignoring my messages – even though he was online type of thing, the usual treatment.
But this time I’d accidentally found some messages on his laptop. All by chance, they popped up out of nowhere and flashed onto his screen.
And I knew it was bad because I remembered him telling me he went for a meal on his own that night. Plus our Whatsapp history confirmed he lied about it too.
So I called him to confront him.
The silence on the end of the line was agonising. I begged him for an explanation, pushed him to come clean. But his answers were robotic and cold, like he just didn’t care.
I hung up, and left him stewing for a few days (at least I thought that’s what would happen).
But still nothing.
I felt sick, I didn’t sleep or eat. I was just hanging on for him to explain, or at least beg for forgiveness.
But he just continued to ignore me, while I kept pushing for answers.
And after days of silent torture, he finally…
Sent me a WhatsApp message – discarding me the day before our holiday to Bali
WTF?
I hadn’t been dumped via text since Nokia 3310s were a thing! So it was a bit of shock for my partner—of more than two years—to end things like that.
I’ve honestly never been so dumbfounded. I didn’t cry or tell anyone about it for days.
I just wandered around Bali confused AF, analysing our relationship, looking for any hints to understand how this happened.
And luckily for me, I didn’t have too many days alone. I was meeting my bestie in the Philippines for a trip we’d already planned a few months back.
(I sound like a right jet setter here! But I’d really recommend a holiday in paradise after being dumped. Trust me, it’s way better to feel sad by the sea)!
“He’s the one who broke up with you. Why’s he still texting you?” Courtney asked me.
And it made me realise, how everyday on holiday he’d found ways to communicate with me. Whether it was responding to Instagram stories or messaging me, he still dictated my mood from afar.
But I let him because I didn’t stop it either; I needed the hope that he might want me back again.
The text that finally cut the chord
Fast forward a few weeks, and I’m back in Oz (here I go again, holidaying the pain away)!
But this time I decided to make a fresh start. I moved to the East coast—the total opposite side to where my ex lived.
And despite the 4000km of distance between us, he somehow finds out I’m on Tinder.
My phone lit up with his message: “get the fuck off Tinder.”
I stared at his text, my hands shaking, my heart beating.
The audacity of this fucking man – 4000km away, dumping me via text and now telling me what I could and couldn’t do.
Something finally snapped in me.
I stopped holding my breath in, picked up my phone and blocked him for good.
It was my turn to be silent now.
Blocking him was the first step I took
But I still had weeks of fighting the urge to reach out to him though. I still flinched at notifications, hoping he’d somehow found a way to contact me.
But I finally had some space. Space to breathe without managing his moods, to think about what I actually wanted, not what he needed from me. And to stop performing the “cool girl” who was fine with being treated like an afterthought.
I got my basics in order: eight hours of sleep a night, regular meals and frequent exercise. It was nice to just exist without the constant low-level anxiety for a change.
A few months later, some new information found its way to me, and knocked me back a few steps again…
Turns out, my ex had been living a double life:
During his work-away trips, he indulged in secret sexcapades…whilst his steady, none-the-wiser-girlfriend, waited for him to come home.
I’d been living a complete lie, fabricated by his narrative.
My mind replayed a montage of memories that felt like light bulbs going off.
Oh, that’s why he missed his flight that time. Oh, that explains the cum I found on his camper van sheets. Oh, that’s why he didn’t come home that night.
“He sounds like a narcissist”, was the last bit of information that helped me connect the dots (thanks Rach).
I’ve never felt so sick and relieved at the same time. Because now my paranoia and doubt had proof and validation.
I wasn’t crazy. I’d been gaslighted, lied to, ignored and cheated on, over and over again.
It was the hard truth I needed to face and accept to let go and get my life back.
So the nerd in me researched and learned EVERYTHING there was to know about narcissism.
Talking about it wasn’t enough, my body was still stuck
I started therapy, found my people and then discovered somatic work—the pièce de résistance.
I took a 30-day breath course, just to see what would happen. And within weeks, I noticed my nervous system wasn’t constantly on high alert. I could sit still without feeling trapped, and I could sleep without nightmares.
My body was finally catching up: the constant predictions of threat were softening and I was safe now. He couldn’t get to me anymore.
That’s when it clicked for me – talking about the abuse only took me part of the way. Because my nervous system was still running the old predictions – prepping for the next argument, or disappearing act, or bout of silent treatment.
So I trained as a somatic trauma informed coach, because I had to understand why traditional tools and advice hadn’t worked for me.
I get why you can’t just “move on” from the relationship
And why your friends and family telling you “to get out there”, doesn’t help you either.
Healing needs more than insight, you also need new experiences that teach your nervous system different predictions. Because the biggest issue with narcissistic abuse is it trains your brain to constantly predict threat, even when you’re okay. And you’re not aware of that until the damage takes over your life.
So until you’ve hit rock bottom, or you’re depressed enough, or anxious enough—that’s when you wake up to the impact of it.
And what’s worse is you don’t even know where to begin healing. Because everyone’s telling you their different approaches; it’s confusing, overwhelming and you don’t know who to listen to.
Which is why I coach you to listen to your own body’s wisdom. And not your ex’s voice, and certainly not your girlfriend’s terrible “just get laid” advice!
Because you don’t need more advice. You need a new experience.
One that rewires your nervous system and rebuilds self-trust – so your ex’s hoovering attempts look pathetic, instead of irresistible!
Learn how to start doing that in my one-on-one coaching sessions. You can book a free 30-min consult with me here.
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