Sitting with your legs crossed in silence doesn’t work for everybody.
Especially when you’re mentally running through your to-do list. Whilst hanging the washing … and … reheating your coffee for the third time that morning!
The thing is, when you’ve been through narcissistic trauma, your nervous system gets rewired to stay alert for danger. Which is why your mind can feel busy and like you’ve no time to stop.
So you need nervous system reset exercises that actually fit your lifestyle and can be done when you’re already doing other things. And ones that don’t lead to guilt or carving extra time out into your already busy schedge!
These simple techniques won’t send you into analysis paralysis because there’s only 3 to remember! And you can easily slot them into your day to give you a boost of calm and clarity.
But before we do that, let me talk you through the different nervous system states. And why these exercises are so effective at shifting you out of stress.
Your Nervous System Has Three Main States
Picture your nervous system like a ladder running between three floors of a house.
You climb the bars up in the same order you’d go back down them. And you can’t get to level 1 or 3 without passing through 2. This is how your nervous system fluctuates between its three states:
Level 1: Rest and digest (parasympathetic)🧘🏽♀️
At the bottom of your nervous system is your calm and safe state.
This is when your heart rate’s normal, you can think clearly, and you’re attuned to your body’s needs. You can also make decisions without panicking and you’re not on edge scanning for threats.
Level 2: Fight or flight (sympathetic)😰
This is the centre of your nervous system where all the action takes place.
That’s when you can feel your heart pounding, your mind buzzing and you’re gearing up to fight or escape. You’re antsy and everything feels urgent because your mind just won’t stop.
Level 3: Freeze/fawn (dorsal vagal)
At the top of your nervous system is your freeze state. So when fight or flight doesn’t work your system gets overwhelmed and shuts down – it’s your body’s last-ditch attempt to protect you.
Here you’ll feel numb, disconnected, or like you’re watching your life on autopilot.
How Narcissistic Abuse Affects Your Nervous System
When you’ve been through narcissistic abuse, your nervous system learns that people aren’t safe. So it’s like you get stuck on the second and third floors of your house because it feels safer to be further away from the entrance.
It’s less dangerous for you if you’re either hypervigilant and anxious, or completely disconnected from your feelings.
So even though you live in a very safe neighbourhood, you’re not taking any chances just in case you might be wrong.
Which is why you might feel exhausted but can’t relax, or why any unpredictability can throw you all out of whack.
Why Nervous System Reset Exercises Help
The below exercises work because they speak your nervous system’s language – sensations.
You learn to communicate signals of safety to your brain, so that it can update its predictions from panic to chill!
But the key is to practice these techniques before you really need them. Because it’s easier to apply them when you’re not in crisis mode!
Most people only think about nervous system work when they’re already overwhelmed.
But that’s like learning to swim when you’re already drowning – not ideal!
Research shows that regular nervous system practices rewire your stress response over time, making you more resilient [Dr. Peter Levine].
So when you practice these exercises daily – even when you feel fine – you’re training your system to stay in that calm and clear state more often.
Think of it like going to the gym but for your nervous system. The more you practice shifting into calm states, the easier it becomes to access that state when you actually need it.
Now that you understand why your system gets stuck and how these exercises help, let’s get into the practical stuff…
3 Nervous System Reset Exercises
1. Spend time with kids
I’ve just come back from a wholesome week at my cousins family home; she’s got two kids, aged 7 and 3, and I utterly adore them!
I don’t have kids myself nor do I want them (personal preference and that). So that means when I’m around any, I’ve way more energy and time to give them.
I’ll join in with their pillow fights, I’ll read them a bed time story and I’m happy to listen to them stream off every fact they know about mosquitoes!
What I noticed about this last week was how present I’ve been.
I haven’t been in my head worrying about the next email I need to write, or how many things I’ve still not finished yet! Instead, I’m tuned into the little person that’s looking up at me with their bright blue eyes, desperate for me to watch them swim across the pool again!
It’s been the best free therapy I’ve had in weeks!
Why this works
Children naturally exist in their rest and digest state — the calm and regulated level 1 of your house.
They’re present, so curious and emotionally expressive without overthinking everything. And when you engage with them, your nervous system starts to mirror theirs through something called “co-regulation”.
In other words: their calm energy rubs off on you.
Play and laughter activate your parasympathetic nervous system (the rest and digest mode) and release oxytocin – your body’s natural anti-anxiety hormone. Plus, being fully present with kids requires you to drop into your body and out of that busy head of yours.
I know what you’re probably thinking, mums:
“Easier said than done when I’m constantly managing tantrums and bedtime battles!”
And I can just waltz in and out of that if I can’t be arsed with their kicking and screaming!
So I hear you and I see how hard you all have it; I don’t deny that for a second – you’re all fucking amazing!
But when your kids are on top form, making your sides split from laughing so much…
Or impressing you with their fascination for the tiniest details we often take for granted – you can use your kids as your nervous system reset button.
When you’re feeling triggered, overwhelmed, or stuck in hypervigilance, intentionally join in with your children’s interests.
Not the distracted, phone-in-hand kind of engagement where you’re half-listening, half-prepping dinner. Full-attention engagement.
Like this:
Put your phone in another room and ask your kids to show you something they’re excited about. Let them lead the activity – kids are natural nervous system regulators when we’re not trying to control everything.
Whilst they play, sit on the floor next to them and ask to join in. Build the Duplo tower. Listen to their elaborate story about why the chairs have balloons tied to them! And get curious about their imaginative world.
When you feel your system getting activated (maybe after a stressful phone call), find your kids and hug them tight. Their love and enthusiasm will pull you back into the present moment and out of your stress response.
The beauty of this exercise is you’re not adding another thing to your to-do list. You’re just being more intentional with the time you’re already spending with them.
And if you’re like me – childless – make sure you spend the odd weekend with your friend’s kids. You’ll come away feeling uplifted, grateful for peace and quiet (jokes)! And memories that make you smile and warm your heart.
2. Add a Shakti mat to your nightly routine
This is for my numb folks – my level three’s who struggle to feel anything at all.
Maybe you’ve been disassociated a while. Or you’re so used to pleasing everyone else that you’ve forgotten how to put your needs first.
Queue the spiky little acupressure mat – the Shakti mat.
The modern day, less painful looking version of an Indian bed of nails. It’s seeped in ancient spiritual and healing traditions that promote you getting back into your body.
Why you’ve gone numb in the first place
When you’ve been through narcissistic abuse, your nervous system sometimes decides the safest option is to just … switch off.
If you’re exhausted, you can’t fight or flee, so your body goes into shutdown mode to conserve energy. That’s why you end up feeling cut off from your emotions, your body and even from reality itself.
The simplest way to understand this is to think of a possum playing dead. It’s frozen, motionless and appears to be dead and that makes their predators lose interest.
And if you think about the grey rock method – where you don’t react or show your emotions – narcissists eventually lose interest too.
So your system uses freeze mode to protect you and keep you safe from feeling anything too intensely. Which worked brilliantly when you needed to survive their chaos, but now it’s keeping you from fully living your life.
The problem is, when you’re stuck in shutdown, you can’t just think your way back into feeling. You need something that reaches your nervous system directly through your body.
Enter the acupressure mat
Lying down on thousands of tiny spikes, might sound bonkers to you right now!
But what if going through a bit of pain first, was the answer to feeling more connected to yourself?
The initial discomfort (and yes, it’s really spiky to begin with), forces your system to wake up and pay attention.
You literally can’t dissociate when you’re lying on something that demands your full presence. Your brain and body have to come online to process the sensation.
The magic follows after about 5 to 10 minutes of “oh fuck”! And the prickliness melts into this gooey, warm and tingly sensation.
Remember how I said your nervous system is like a ladder?
Well, when you’re in shutdown (level 3), you can’t just jump straight back down to calm (level 1). You need to mobilise some energy first – get your system activated enough to feel something.
And the spikes do that by activating nerve pathways that send signals to key areas of your brain to move you out of freeze and into sympathetic (level 2).
Once you can feel something – even if it’s discomfort – you’re back in your body and can work with your nervous system again.
When you’re numb, you sometimes need something stronger than gentle breathing exercises to pull you back into feeling. Which is what the Shakti mat can do:
It applies pressure to your skin to release stuck energy and tension in your body through thousands of targeted points.
How to use it
I use mine when I’m already in bed watching a series with Toby. Because I always watch something after dinner anyway, and I might as well maximise my downtime with some self-care.
So when you’re watching TV, dedicate 20-minutes of that time to lying on a mat either on the floor, sofa or your bed.
Gently lie your back down onto the mat and keep your focus on the breath to distract you from the initial intensity.
If you’re a cold water swimmer, you’ll already be used to doing this – the breath is a great tool for slowing you down.
Your mind will probably want to escape and you’ll think about getting off it, but stay with it. This is a mind over matter situation where you need to bypass the pain to access the benefits.
After about 5-minutes, you’ll notice the sensation shifting from sharp to warm. That’s your nervous system moving from shutdown back into connection. You’re literally training your body to feel safe in its own skin again.
Plus, the Shakti is brilliant for sleep as it produces warm, relaxing sensations that help you unwind and get you ready to fall asleep.
Much better than scrolling on your phone because it helps your nervous system slow down instead of getting more wired.
Make your nightly routine of watching TV work harder for your healing.
For those who say they don’t have time to watch TV…
Shakti does an on-the-move back and belly band – a wearable mat that you can use while sitting, standing, driving or doing the dishes.
Told you I had exercises for you to do that will fit in with your day 😉 So there’s really no excuse to not implement one of them!
FYI, my affiliate link gives you 10% off any Shakti product AND it also stacks with any other offers. So that means if they’re still running their 20% off promo with their code RELAX, you can combine it with my code ‘LAURA10’ for even more discount! (UK stores only but Shakti ships internationally).
*A wee disclosure: there are affiliate links on this page. That just means if you click on a link – and follow through with buying it – i’ll make a commission. Don’t worry, you won’t pay any extra and sometimes you might even get a cheeky discount! Click here for more info.
Click here for a guide on how I set my Shakti mat up for managing occasional neck pain.
3. Slow down
The third nervous system reset exercise I recommend, is to go about your daily activities with the intention of slowing down.
For example, when you’re brushing your teeth for 4-minutes a day (hopefully you’re brushing them for 2 minutes, twice a day), use that time to practice tuning in to what you’re doing.
Notice the sensations of the toothbrush against your teeth and tongue and watch yourself doing it.
Your mind will naturally wander – that’s ok, that’s what it’s designed to do. But as soon as you notice yourself drift off into planning your day, bring your focus back to cleaning your teeth.
Why your brain gets stuck on repeat (and traditional meditation feels impossible)
There’s this thing called your Default Mode Network (DMN), which is basically the brain network that’s active when you’re not focused on anything specific.
Kinda like a screensaver that kicks in when you’re deep in thought and not attuned to what you’re doing.
In a healthy brain, the DMN is like the gentle ticking of a background clock.
But when you’ve been through narcissistic abuse, it gets louder. And dominates your thoughts with traumatic memories, rehearsing old arguments, or worrying about the future.
Research from Dr. Ruth Lanius shows that trauma survivors have hyperactive DMNs that get trapped in negative rumination cycles.
Which is why when someone tells you to “sit quietly and mediate”, it feels beyond impossible because your brain goes into overdrive as soon as you try to sit in silence.
So it’s not that you’re shit at meditating and more that trauma has rewired your brain to stay vigilant – even when you’re just chilling!
How slowing down rewires your brain and nervous system
When you deliberately slow down, you’re giving your brain something specific to focus on. And you’re also interrupting your mental head talk and sending safety signals to your brain simultaneously.
You’re teaching your hijacked DMN to focus on present-moment sensations, instead of worst-case scenarios. Whilst also activating your vagus nerve – the main highway that controls your rest and digest response (level 1).
The slower pace in your actions helps prove to your brain that you’re safe – it’s evidence.
Because if you were in immediate danger, you’d be getting the fuck out of it as quickly as possible! You wouldn’t have time to mindfully walk if a dog was chasing you!
So present awareness practices help you to focus on what’s in front of you, by redirecting your brain’s attention away from destructive thought loops.
Simple ways to practice this:
Walk without rushing!🚶🏽♀️
Next time you’re walking anywhere – to the car, up the stairs, to the kitchen – try deliberately slowing your pace down by about 20%.
So you can actually feel and notice your feet touching the ground, the rhythm of your steps and the swing of your arms. I know this sounds tricky when you’ve got a million and one things to do, but hear me out:
When you rush everywhere, you’re teaching your nervous system that life is one big emergency.
So your body then releases stress hormones to match the urgency you’re creating with your movements. But when you slow your walking, you’re literally rewiring your system to recognise safety.
Eat without stuffing your face (or scrolling your phone)! 🤢
I’m talking about actually tasting your food instead of shovelling it in like someone’s about to steal it!
This one takes a bit of practice – you’re talking to an ex-speedy eater here – so I know how hard it is to slow down!
But I’ve had to because it was adding to my stomach aches! And now my family even joke and call me “John”…
AKA my very formal grandpa (RIP), who to this day is the slowest eater I’ve ever come across! Like painfully slow; he’d still be nibbling away whilst we were packing the plates into the dishwasher and getting ready to go home!
Pick one meal a day, like your morning marmite toast and coffee, and chew it without any distractions.
Notice the texture, temperature, and flavours and eat slower than feels normal at first. You’re training your nervous system to stay in connection with your body.
Take a pause ⏸️
Before you respond to someone, reply to a text, or start your next task, let your breath be your first step. So take one natural in and out breath and then go back to what you were doing.
This micro-pause interrupts the automatic rush from one thing to the next. It gives your nervous system a moment to reset, instead of carrying stress from one activity into the next.
It also creates space for you to notice your feelings and reflect on your responses before reacting.
Speak slower 🐌
Notice how fast you talk when you’re explaining something or telling a story.
Most of us speed up our speech when we’re activated. Like we’re racing to get all the words out before someone interrupts us or stops listening – we just want to be seen and heard!
So try intentionally slowing your speech by about 10%. And leave tiny pauses between sentences to leave space to breathe between your words.
This works because your voice is directly connected to your vagus nerve. So when you slow your chat, you’re also calming your nervous system.
The bottom line
Here’s what I want you to take away:
Healing your nervous system doesn’t have to be complicated.
You just need to learn to speak its language of sensation and safety.
So the above nervous system reset techniques give you 3 (7 if you include the ways to slow down) practical ways to have that conversation every single day.
They’re simple approaches to combine with what you’re already doing – you’re just adding in intention.
Because as you hopefully understand by now, too much too soon can overwhelm your system and lead you to freeze and do nothing at all.
Somatic work is all about building resiliency a piece at a time and at a pace your nervous system can cope with.
So if it feels too much, that’s a sign you need to pay close attention to by honouring your needs and pulling back.
You don’t have to rush from the top floor all the way down to the ground floor in one go.
These exercises help you move between levels gradually, building your capacity to feel safe in your own skin again.
Pick one nervous system exercise to start today
Your nervous system has been working overtime to protect you and it’s kept you alive through some toxic relationships.
But now they’re gone (so long, suckers)! So it’s time to teach it that you’re safe to rest, feel and lead your life again.
You don’t need to master all three exercises at once.
Just pick the one that feels most doable right now and start there.
Maybe it’s slowing down when you walk to the car or lying on a spiky mat watching Netflix. Or maybe it’s being fully present the next time a child wants to show you their latest shit scribbly mess masterpiece!
The more you practice moments of connection and calm, the more natural they’ll become.
You’ve already survived the hardest part. Now you get to learn how to feel fully alive again.
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