Have you ever said “yes” to something and instantly felt a pang of regret soon after?
Like mumsy dearest asking you if you’ll host Christmas dinner this year (despite you having two kids under five, a full-time job and zero desire to spend the holidays peeling spuds for 17 people)!
But instead of mulling it over and replying “actually, that doesn’t work for me”, you respond with “absolutely, it would be my plezh!”
It’s only when you notice your stomach sink with heavy dread … that you’re satisfying other people’s expectations above your own. AGAIN! D’oh 🤦♀️
And if you’ve survived narcissistic abuse, you’re at expert levels of ignoring your needs!
Because you’ve spent years overriding them to keep someone else happy. Or to avoid conflict, or to not be “too much”, or “too difficult”.
But here’s the thing – and I say this with all the love in the world:
You’re not responsible for managing other people’s expectations of you.
Where Other People’s Expectations Come From (And Why They Feel So Heavy)
Expectations start early:
Your parents wanted you to be well-behaved.
Your teachers needed you to sit still and follow instructions.
Your mates expected you to wear the latest baby blue eyeshadow.
Or your boyfriend wanted you to love Metallica as much as he did.
So somewhere along your timeline, you learned that meeting other people’s expectations equals safety, approval or love.
And so you got really skilled at reading the room or adjusting your personality. Or making yourself smaller, quieter and more accommodating. Because historically, not meeting someone’s expectations meant consequences like anger, withdrawal, punishment, or abandonment.
Which also meant your nervous system learned that others needs equals your survival.
And with a narcissist, that pattern got dialled up to eleven. Because they didn’t just have expectations – they had demands. And when you didn’t meet them, you got the silent treatment, rageful outbursts or gaslighting that made you doubt yourself.
So of course you learned to prioritise everyone else’s needs over your own – that’s how you protected yourself. It’s what trauma therapists call the “fawn response”, a trauma adaptation that helped you stay safe.
But the abuse is over now. And you’re still carrying the weight of other people’s expectations like it’s your job, when it’s theirs.
How Other People’s Expectations Show up in Real Life
Here’s what living up to other people’s expectations looks like in real life:
- You agree to plans you don’t actually want to do, then spend the entire week dreading them.
- You take on extra shifts at work because your boss “really needs help” – even though you’ve already worked 7 days straight.
- You bite your tongue during family gatherings because speaking your truth would “cause drama”.
- You stay on the phone listening to your friend’s problems when you’re desperate to hang up, have a wee and get to bed.
- You apologise for things that aren’t your fault, just to smooth things over (and because you’re British)!
Did you get a full-house? 🙋♀️
The thing is…these expectations feel normal to you.
They’re woven so tightly into your tapestry that you don’t even realise they’re causing you grief – because you’ve never known life without them.
Signs You’re Living According to Others’ Expectations
But your body always experiences the signs before your brain catches on.
Watch for these somatic cues to help you notice them:
Physical signs:
- Tightness in your chest or throat when someone asks something of you
- Jaw clenching or teeth grinding when you agree to things
- Stomach fluttering or nausea before social events
- Shoulders hunching forward (making yourself smaller)
- Shallow breathing when setting boundaries feels “too risky”
Emotional signs:
- Resentment bubbling up after you’ve said yes
- Feeling drained after spending time with certain people
- Guilt when you prioritise yourself
- Anxiety about disappointing others
- A constant sense that you’re not doing enough
If any of these ring true, you’re probably living your life for someone else’s approval and not your own authenticity.
How to Tell What’s Yours vs What’s Theirs
This is where it gets interesting…
Because after years of people-pleasing, your own expectations can feel entwined with everyone else’s. Like, do you actually want to go back to uni? Or is that your dad’s dream for you that you’ve internalised as your own?
Do you genuinely enjoy hosting dinner parties? Or do you just think that’s what “good friends” are supposed to do?
Here’s a quick body check to help you figure this out:
Think about something you’re “supposed” to do. Notice what happens in your body.
If it’s someone else’s expectation: your body contracts. Your breath gets shallow. You feel heavy, obligated, trapped. There might be a tightness in your throat or a sinking feeling in your gut.
If it’s genuinely yours: your body feels more expansive. Your breath deepens. You feel energised, curious, excited (even if it’s also scary). There’s a lightness and a sense of possibility.
The Consequences of Carrying Other People’s Expectations
Let’s talk about what happens when you keep prioritising everyone else’s needs over your own.
PS: it’s not pretty…
What happens when you keep prioritising others’ needs
You lose yourself
Bit by bit, you stop knowing what you actually want. Because you’ve spent so long performing for others that you’ve forgotten who you are when no one’s watching.
You might look successful on paper – stable job, picket white fence, cute kids. But inside you feel hollow. Like you’re just going through the motions of someone else’s life.
Your resentment builds
Every time you say yes when you mean no, a little bit of resentment gets stored in your body. And it doesn’t just disappear – it accumulates.
Until one day, you snap at your kids over something tiny. Or you break down crying in the Tescos car park. Or you fantasise about running away and never coming back.
That’s what happens when you abandon yourself repeatedly for the sake of keeping others comfortable. Research shows that resentment causes us to ruminate, going over situations again and again in our minds, leading to anxiety, depression, and even physical health problems like trouble sleeping and cardiovascular issues.
Your health suffers
Chronic people-pleasing and suppressing your needs wreaks havoc on your physical health too.
Think: tension headaches, digestive issues, insomnia, autoimmune flares – when the body says no, as Gabor Maté highlights. And when you chronically override your own needs, your nervous system stays stuck in survival mode.
You attract more narcissists
Here’s an uncomfortable truth:
When you’re still living your life according to others’ expectations, you’re a magnet for people who will exploit that. Because narcissists can smell a people-pleaser from a mile away. They know you’ll bend over backwards to avoid conflict. That you’ll sacrifice your own needs to keep them happy.
So if you want to stop attracting toxic people, you need to stop being so available to their nonsense.
And that starts with learning to honour your own expectations.
How to Somatically Identify Your Own Expectations
Right…enough doom and gloom! Let’s talk about how to actually figure out what you want, using your body as the guide.
Because your thinking brain has been trained to prioritise others. It’s full of “shoulds” and “supposed tos” that have nothing to do with your authentic desires.
But your body knows, it’s been trying to tell you all along. You just didn’t understand its language.
Exercise: Body scanning for authentic desires
Here’s a simple practice to start distinguishing between what you genuinely want versus what you think you’re supposed to want.
Step 1: Get comfortable. Sit or lie down somewhere quiet. Close your eyes if that feels safe or leave them open.
Step 2: Think of a decision you’re facing. Maybe it’s to go solo to that wedding in Spring. Or whether to let your ex change the custody schedule (again)! Or whether to go to your friends couples dinner (very Bridget Jones).
Step 3: Imagine saying “yes”. Really picture yourself agreeing to the decision. Like what you’d type in the text message to them, or how you’d plan the phone-call with them. And notice what happens in your body. Does your chest tighten or expand? Does your breathing get shallow or slow? Do your shoulders hunch or drop? See what you can sense into.
Step 4: Now imagine saying “no”. Feel into that possibility. Does your body relax or stiffen? Does your breath deepen or speed up? Do you feel lighter or heavier?
Your body’s response will tell you what you actually want and not what you think you “should” want.
Practice: The “hell yes“VS “should” test
This one’s dead simple but powerful and it’s based on Mark Manson’s “Fuck Yes or No” principle.
When someone asks you to do something, notice your first internal response.
Is it a “hell yes”? Like, your body lights up with genuine excitement or interest. Even if it’s also a bit nerve-wracking, there’s still an underlying pull and openness towards it.
Or is it a “should”? Like, logically you think you’re “supposed to say yes”. But there’s no genuine desire there. Just a general sense of obligation.
So if it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.
And yeah, I know that feels impossible at first. Especially if you’re worried about disappointing people or being seen as selfish.
But here’s the thing:
You teaching people to respect your boundaries is the kindest thing you can do. For them and for you.
Because when you stop saying yes out of obligation, your yeses become genuine. Your relationships become more authentic. And you stop walking around with that constant low-level resentment that’s been eating you alive.
Taking the next step
Look, I get it. Letting go of other people’s expectations isn’t an overnight change.
Because historically, not meeting someone’s expectations meant rejection, abandonment, or punishment. And those consequences never felt nice (they still feel icky now).
But you’re not in that relationship anymore. And you’re not that little girl who had to sacrifice her needs to fit in.
The people who genuinely love you will adjust. They might have some teething problems because they’re used to you being accommodating. But if they truly care about you, they’ll eventually come around to respecting your boundaries.
And the ones who don’t?
Well, that tells you everything you need to know about whether they deserve a place in your life.
So pick one area of your life where you’re going to prioritise your own expectations over someone else’s. Notice what comes up in your body. Practice staying with the discomfort instead of immediately people-pleasing your way out of it.
And if you want a step-by-step guide to make that happen, my Boundary Blueprint gives you everything you need: simple scripts for setting boundaries without feeling like a dick, grounding techniques for when guilt tries to drag you back, and body-based exercises to help see your boundaries through.
Grab your free Boundary Blueprint and learn how to honour your needs without apologising for them.