The silent treatment by a narcissist feels like relentless mental torture. It leaves you trapped in a sea of uncertainty, treading water until it ends.
It’s a savage punishment that the longer it continues, the more frustrated you get. And with no end in sight, the pain just lingers.
If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of the silent treatment, you know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s a feeling that’s hard to shake and the damage stays with you long after the relationship’s over.
The psychologist, Kipling D. Williams, found that the brain responds to being ignored in the same way as it does to physical pain.
So for instance, if you break your leg, you’ll remember the pain you felt long after. And if you’re given the silent treatment, it’s no different. Because the flashbacks of that experience remind you of the emotional distress.
So the silent treatment from a narcissist equally messes with your head. Because when you remember the abuse, you also remember how it felt.
It might of been temporary but it’s effects on your mental wellbeing are long lasting.
What’s the Silent Treatment?
The silent treatment by a narcissist ignores all contact with you. So they’ll temporarily freeze you out, both physically and emotionally. And they won’t respond to your efforts to reach out. It’s no different to ghosting, banishing, or giving you the dreaded cold shoulder.
It’s a discreet way of punishing and manipulating you. But it packs a punch because you fill their silence with all kinds of worries. After all, when someone wont communicate with you, you do nothing but speculate why.
If narcissists feel pressured by your demands, or sensitive to your criticism, you can bet they’ll unleash their silent rage on you. And they’ll go out of their way to avoid you, ignoring any of your attempts to reconnect. It’s a silent but powerful tool for control over you.
And brace yourself, because silent treatment can last anywhere from hours to months. It all depends on what they need from you. So they’ll ignore you until they get the outcome they’re after. Yep, some of them really are that evil!
My ex was like that, too. He’d disappear, leaving me completely in the dark, worrying all night about him. I’d call him like crazy and send a barrage of texts, desperately hoping for a response and just a sign that he was okay. But that treatment never stopped until – you guessed it – I apologised.
And that’s because narcissist’s use the silent treatment as a way to make you feel guilty too. When you don’t know why someone’s ignoring you, it makes you feel like you’ve done something wrong.
What Does the Silent Treatment From a Narcissist Feel Like?
We’ve evolved to be social creatures. So feeling isolated’s stressful because you “stay in a low level of fight or flight”. And the body needs balance to feel safe.
So the silent treatment throws your whole nervous system out of whack. And if you’ve been through it, you know how awful it can make you feel. You’ve no clue why they won’t talk to you and you’re racking your brain to figure it out. This coupled with your anxiety and paranoia is not a good mix for your mental health.
You know how it is, picking your phone up every minute in case they’ve messaged. Cancelling your plans in case they turn up, or asking after them. You name it, your life’s just put on pause waiting for them to determine the outcome. And without saying a word, they’ve created all this doubt in your mind. But you don’t know how to end that misery apart from working harder to win back their affection.
And here’s the thing with the silent treatment:
You’ve zero control over it.
Because you can’t force someone to talk to you if they don’t want to.
But the worst part’s how hidden this abuse is. It’s not obvious like physical harm nor is it traditionally recognised as abusive. So the narcissist gets away with it more easily. It’s like Karen Young says, the silent treatment’s literally ‘a way to inflict pain without visible bruising’.
And when it’s disguised between bursts of happiness, you don’t notice it. But neither do others because it’s invisible and you can’t see it happening.
The Silent Treatment Also Makes you Feel:
😩 Helpless
🤬 Angry
😵💫 Crazy
😔 Powerless
😣 Frustrated
😤 Reactive (like ignoring them back)
🥺 Guilty
😰 Punished
😢 Sad
😫 Distressed
😳 Anxious
🥴 No appetite
🥱 Unable to sleep
🤯 Confused
😥 Worthless
🫥 Insignificant
Why do Narcissists use the Silent Treatment?
Here’s what’s likely going on in a narcissist’s mind when they dish out that silent treatment:
Control
It gives them a sense of power because the silent treatment by a narcissist creates worry and insecurity. That’s how their control works; they’re making you wonder what you did wrong – even when you’re not at fault.
Avoiding Responsibility
They hate owning up to their actions, so ignoring you helps them dodge any blame or criticism.
Withholding
By not communicating with you, they hold back affection and attention . So it’s like a punishment for not meeting their expectations.
Seeking Supply
They thrive on attention and validation from others. So, they might be trying to get you to chase after them to feed their ego.
Testing Your Loyalty
Like boundary testing to see what they can get away with. They want to see how much you’ll put up with and how far they can push you.
They Could Also be Cheating
Narcissists are sneaky fuckers. And if yours is anything like mine was, the silence created opportunities. In other words, it gave him time to cheat. So whilst you’re driving yourself insane, they’re out and about with their other supply(s).
They’ve got a constant need for adoration. So they’re not sitting about sulking when they’re giving you the silent treatment. No, no, no, they’re off either finding a new supply or they’re getting it from another one.
And I’m not saying all narcissists cheat. But a lot of them do, and mine was no different. So if thinking the worst helps motivate you to cut them off, then do. Disappearing can be a classic sign of cheating. And if they’re ignoring you often, that’s a lot of affairs they could be having!
So the next time they ghost you, take it as an opportunity to focus on yourself and your own happiness. You deserve better, someone who treats you with the love and respect. Keep your head held high and trust that better things are coming your way.
The Silent Treatment and the Devalue and Discard Stages
The silent treatment is a major player in the narcissistic abuse cycle, showing up in the devaluing or discarding phases. And it’s in those stages where narcissist’s suddenly switch from charming to downright cruel.
It’s proper confusing because up until that point, they’ve been super sweet. And their change in behaviour makes you blind to the red flags as you’re a bit thrown by it all. You don’t even notice you’ve started rationalising their bad behaviour away.
Don’t worry, it’s easy to get sucked up into this system – trust me, I’ve been there too. But I’m going to try and break it down for you so you can look out for it.
My ex would dish out the silent treatment like it was an Olympic sport. And it left me emotionally wrecked. We’d go through these wild cycles where it was magic to begin with. And then he’d catch me off guard by lagging his communication, slowly distancing himself. But right at the cusp of my breaking point, he’d swoop back in again, showering me with love.
It was honestly the most off balance relationship I’ve ever had. But that’s key to spotting their abuse at play. Because all you can go off is how you feel when their behaviour is all over the shop.
They’re trying to confuse your judgement with the chopping and changing of good and bad. And that’s how their abuse goes undetected – you’re not suspicious when they’re spoiling you and treating you like a queen.
It’s tricky because as soon as they’re nice as pie again, you also excuse the “bad patch”. You think, “Hey, maybe I was overreacting?”
How do you Outsmart the Silent Treatment by a Narcissist?
There’s something you could do to test whether there’s a pattern in your relationship. Because next time you notice a change in their mood, call them out on it. Demand better treatment and see if it ends in punishing behaviour like the silent treatment. Sneaky, right?
I mean it won’t feel nice to go through the ignoring stage again. But you’ll be aware of it this time as you triggered the outcome. And when the good times roll back around again, you’ll be a little more clued up on what’s going on.
You’ll see their hoovering at play and how they’re trying to win you over again. Things like future faking will become obvious to you. You’ll see those sweet promises are just a coverup. They’re all part of keeping you hooked so you won’t leave them.
When you begin to notice the cycle at work, your relationship will become predictable. You’ll see how it goes from good to bad, to much worse. And then loops back round again. But you’ll also see how you’re not at fault and this is just how the narcissist controls you. Learning how they work will stop you holding out for hope for things to change. Because you’ll have the awareness that they won’t.
And then you can move towards acceptance – which is a lot easier than making a narcissist feel remorse!
The Difference Between Space and the Silent Treatment
Space from someone can be healthy. It’s sometimes needed as a pause to recollect your thoughts. But what differentiates space from silent treatment is the intent behind it.
So they both look the same from the outside which is why nobody around you ever picks up on the abuse. But the intention of silent treatment by a narcissist is to cause you pain and anxiety. They want you to fear the worst but also work your hardest to win them back.
Whereas space is agreed time apart to mull over the relationship. And both of you are aware of the circumstances. So the need for space is communicated and doesn’t leave the other person suffering.
Deliberately avoiding all contact highlights the narcissist’s behaviour. It shows they don’t want to resolve things and would rather leave you confused and anxious. It’s a passive-aggressive technique used to communicate a narcissist’s disapproval of you.
Ignoring you helps them gain superiority over you because they control the communication between you. The uncertainty of how long it’ll last helps narcissists achieve their desired outcome. They cannot communicate how they feel, but their silence still generates a message.
Space is:
- Clear lines of communication: “I think we need some space from each other to think”.
- Asking for time apart: “Can we have some space to think about what we want”?
- Telling you they need space to gather their thoughts: “I need some time to mull over and come back to you”.
- Explaining the reason for having space: “I need space to think about what you said”.
Silent Treatment is:
- Ignoring you out of the blue.
- Avoiding all contact with you.
- No explanation for the time apart.
- No healthy communication.
- Disappearing without telling you.
- Pretending everything is ok when they come back — zero responsibility for their actions.
- Expecting you to close the distance and chase after them.
What Happens When you Give a Narcissist the Silent Treatment?
Not much to be honest! I’ve tried it many times myself. And ignoring a narcissist back, doesn’t resolve the issue. It actually makes things worse. You think your silent retaliation will get them to talk. But if you’ve ever tried it yourself, you’ll notice it makes no difference.
I remember my ex stonewalling me after I confronted him about some suspicious text messages. (I wasn’t even snooping, they just popped up on his Mac as I was using it). As you probably expected, he didn’t have a lot to say and he just gave me one worded answers.
So I thought, “fuck you, I’m turning my phone off. Let’s see you grovel now when you can’t get through to me”. Anyway, two days later, I reconnected my phone. And despite him being in the wrong, I didn’t have a single message or missed call. Ouch, right?!
He hadn’t even noticed my silent protest. Which kinda forced my hand to reach out to him. Because I was beginning to lose my mind with no contact. I was desperate to end my anxiety and distress; I had to know my fate.
(Gosh it really makes you feel pathetic chasing someones attention – and reliving the tale telling you)!
Anyway, long story short, the more I pushed for answers, the more he resisted. And it all came to a crash when he finally dumped me —by text! So, playing them at their own game doesn’t make much difference; they still hold all the control.
Of course, it could go the other way, where they think they’re going to lose you. And because they don’t like feeling out of control, you might get a spell of love bombing thrown in. Something to peak your interest again. But that’s not genuine, it’s just highlighting their games at play.
When Should you Walk Away?
At times, the best thing you can do is take care of yourself. If you’ve made an effort to communicate with your partner – and they still won’t respond – it’s a clear sign that something’s not right. Begging for communication isn’t a healthy way to go about it.
If you’ve already experienced the silent treatment by a narcissist, don’t be surprised if it keeps on happening. They love to repeat their tactics, but remember, you don’t have to.
You’ve got the power to make it stop. So the next time they make you feel invisible, don’t play along. They need your reaction to keep the cycle working. So rather than chasing them, honour your boundaries.
Don’t engage and let them go off. And hey, if they decide to ghost you and never come back, they’re doing you a favour. Because the hardest part is making the decision to leave. So if they decide that for you, embrace it as a blessing in disguise.
Moving Forward
Talking about your experience with the silent treatment can bring up some serious shame, especially when you’ve come a long way in your healing journey. It’s hard to believe what you put up with, right?
But raising awareness is more important than anything else. Abuse isn’t just physical; it messes with your mind too. And the silent treatment by a narcissist is abusive and controlling.
So let’s get one thing straight – it’s NOT normal behaviour in a healthy relationship. Healthy connections thrive on open communication, not avoidance and disappearing acts.
Dealing with the effects of the silent treatment can seriously impact your mental health, especially if you’ve been through it multiple times.
It’s like a wound that takes time to heal. When you find yourself with new partners, those old scars might resurface. You might get triggered if they don’t reply to a message, or if you can’t reach them.
Because when someone has subjected you to the silent treatment enough times, you become expectant of it.
But guess what?
You can work through it!
Take your time to undo those old thought patterns and learn to trust again. Communication is key to healing and growth. When you’re ready, be open and honest about what you went through. Help your new partner understand your needs and what makes you feel secure.
Remember, it’s a process, and it’s okay to still be figuring it all out. Listening and reading others’ experiences can be super helpful in making sense of your own. So I hope my experiences helps you make sense of yours.
Still dealing with the silent treatment? Want a strategy to overcome it and feel stronger?