I’m here to tell you that although healing from trauma bonding will be one of the biggest challenges you’ll face. It’ll also be the most transformative thing you’ll do; it’ll make you into a warrior.
You know that end scene in Legally Blonde, where Elle ends her speech with “you must always have faith in yourself”? (The one that Trump copied).
That’s what you need right now to get you through this next chapter. Faith that you’re doing the right thing. And faith that you’ll get over this – even if you can’t see that right now.
So with that in mind, here’s what you’re going to do:
First
You’re going to give yourself credit for recognising the need to heal. That takes courage – the kind of courage that warriors are made of 😉.
Next
You’re going to accept that you need to make a change. And thats a lot easier said than done. Because change is uncomfortable but it’s also inevitable if you want to heal.
And I know none of this is your fault. But now it’s become your responsibility to take care of.
Which is a good thing.
Because it means you get to decide how you’re going to heal from your trauma bond.
And if you’re ready to take that next step – which I think you are based on what your Google search lead you to – then keep reading on.
Healing trauma bonding
I’ve figured you already know you’re trauma bonded. So you just want to know how to heal it, right?
Which tells me you’ve made the decision to leave your abuser. And statistically speaking, you might be on your third or fourth attempt of that. So you don’t need me to tell you that this next phase is hard to stick to.
But the fact you keep on trying, tells me you want to do something about it. And if you’re here for the first time after leaving, I know you want to do that too.
What your problem is, is that you just don’t know how to get there. Like you don’t even know where to begin healing from trauma bonding.
But once you start understanding what steps you can take and why they matter – the how will fall into place.
Because the method’s the easy part, it’s the action that’s harder.
And that’s stopping all the negative feelings tied to your trauma bond. So feeling trapped, hopeless and like you can’t live without this person.
That’s the part you’re looking to change. Because when you start feeling better about yourself, that shows signs of healing. It means you’re learning to stand on your own again.
So how do you do that?
You’ve first got to understand how thoughts work.
How your thoughts affect healing your trauma bond
Every thought you think, is like a roadmap for your mind and body to make real. So when you set your mind to something, you unconsciously work towards it. So if you say you’re powerless, you’re making those thoughts become real. Because the job of the mind is to realise your thoughts.
It goes like this:
Thought, feeling, then action.
So you first think a thought, which then brings on a feeling that dictates how you act.
And if you’re fixated on that ex narc of yours – who makes you feel powerless – then you’re going to keep feeling stuck. You’ll feel like you can’t do anything about it because of what you believe to be true.
And that’s because 90% of your thoughts that you think are the same as the day before. So that means your mind follows familiar paths. And it’ll keep repeating the same thoughts, feelings, and actions.
So you can see how your thoughts almost become you. And why negative emotions can feel so overwhelming when they keep coming day after day.
But you can change this. You’ve just got to be aware of what you’re thinking, feeling, and doing around those memories. Only then can you shift how they affect you.
Recognising you’re trauma bonded
Healing from trauma bonding essentially boils down to how tightly your thoughts are entangled with your ex-narc. This complex bond often leads to what I like to call “deluded thinking”.
You know the kind. Where you’re so invested in someone that you can’t see the harm their actions are causing you.
Meaning your hope overrides your ability to see abuse taking place. So you end up idealising the idea of reuniting with them, believing they’ll change, and that this time things will take a different turn.
And this is what happens every time the pain wears off after the discard. You lose connection to it and you fall back into old thinking patterns again. You convince yourself that you’ll feel worthy if you get back with your ex.
And when you believe in your relationship that strongly, it’s hard to persuade you otherwise. But that’s not love – it’s trauma bonding at its finest.
Now if you’re on your fifth round of getting back together again, your trauma bond is likely even stronger than someone on their first attempt. So breaking free from it will feel even more challenging.
But here’s the crucial part:
It’s not impossible.
You’ve just got to believe that things can be different. And realise that what you’re doing now – the back and forth – isn’t doing you any favours.
So speaking from experience, what I’m guessing’s happening to you right now is this:
You believe the relationship has potential because you feel like you’re still in love with your ex. So that’s driving you towards them, rather than away from them, right?
So to change your actions you need to start at square one. And swap out those old thoughts with the new and improved versions – the ones that’ll help you heal.
Remember I said the how will get easier once you know the what and the why? Well, you know that stuff now, you’re aware of what’s happening and why you need to change it.
The moment you’ve awareness, you give yourself power to take control of your thoughts. And once you unlock that ability, you open the door to healing your trauma bond.
How do you change your thoughts?
Raise your hand if:
🙋♀️ You’ve ever caught yourself stuck in a cycle of negativity?
🙋♀️ Self-doubt? Or,
🙋♀️ Feeling like your thoughts are running the show?
You’ve probably raised your hand for all three, am i right?!
So we need to change that, because your thoughts are not helping you heal your trauma bond.
Here’s how you can do that:
Switch your thinking to foster relief instead of regret
The next time you think about your ex, and you find yourself pining after them, try this:
Switch the thought to “I am thankful to not be with them anymore”. Because that’s going to make you feel relief rather than regret. So the action that follows won’t result in you running back to them. You’ll feel glad to be out of that toxic dynamic instead.
And even if you don’t believe it at first. If you can just change your way of thinking, and you keep practicing it over and over again. You’ll eventually reprogram your thoughts to associate with different feelings. You’ll instil different beliefs and you’ll behave differently.
You essentially need to become aware of your thoughts. So aware that you don’t let any thoughts pass you by and you’re always intercepting them. And when that happens, you gain a bit of your control back. Because the moment you catch yourself ruminating, you step in and you decide how that goes.
It means you’re practicing the skill of consciousness. Because you’re not being dictated by your past biological programming. And to make that change takes a lot of practice and effort.
Keep reminding yourself to stay on track
When you first start to change your thoughts, you’ll probably be aware of it for a few times. But then you’ll forget and slip into old patterns. So when you notice this happening, it’s your job to remind yourself of what you’re doing.
Think about when you change the setup in your house. Maybe you put the bin next to the washing machine instead of the fridge. Now when you need to toss something out, your brain still sends you to the fridge like it used to. You’re on autopilot, right? But the bin’s not there anymore, “it’s near the washing machine – remember”?!
So you need to keep reminding yourself of where you’ve moved the bin to. Because the moment you’re unconscious of that thought, you forget it. And your brain just resorts back to what it knows.
So for a while you have to consciously keep reminding yourself, and train your brain to remember that new spot.
The same goes for changing your thought patterns:
You’ve got to keep reminding yourself of your new way to think, feel and act.
And you’re going to keep reminding yourself enough times until you get it – until you become aware of your thoughts.
It does get easier, you just have to practice.
Learning makes new circuits in the brain. So if you’re trying to change an old negative thought (that’s been doing the rounds for years), you need to keep changing it to a positive thought.
And you need to do that every time it enters your mind. You need to keep teaching your brain that new path to take. If you don’t do that enough, you’ll just forget and default to what you know best:
Which is your usual negative thinking.
If you practice this same dance, again and again, you’ll make progress. Because you get good at anything you keep practicing. You’ll notice that in your own life too. Like me, I’m now a blue belt in Jiu Jitsu. But I knew nothing three years ago!
The power of repetition in rewiring your brain
And repeating this process every time you remember, will help you rewire your thoughts.
After a while, you won’t even be conscious of it. Because repetition builds habits. And when you have a habit going, your body’s on autopilot. So, if you can do something without thinking about it, it doesn’t require much effort on your behalf.
Like getting in the car, driving, and suddenly you’ve arrived at your destination. But without even being conscious of what you did to get there.
And when it comes to breaking habits, the biggest one we often need to change is our way of thinking.
Accept that change is uncomfortable
So when your thought patterns are that engraved in you – that you’re not even aware of them – you’re going to be uncomfortable as you try to change that. Because it’s unknown territory, you’ve never done it before.
And you can’t be bad at something you’ve never even learnt. If anything, you’re a beginner. So if you can accept that feeling of discomfort as being part of it, then you’ll open yourself up to learn and grow.
It’s like trying a new hobby. At first, it might feel awkward or strange, but every step you take is a step closer to mastering it. The thought of asking someone to roll in jiu jitsu for the first time felt so weird. But now, it feels normal to me.
So embrace the discomfort. See it as a sign of progress and part of becoming better at something that’s totally new to you.
Share what you’re doing with a friend
Telling a friend can help you to stay accountable. Because now you’ve got someone else you don’t want to let down. So it’s not just a promise to yourself that nobody else knows about – your bezzie knows too.
And she already hates your ex, so she’ll want to help you stay accountable and positive! So tell her your new way of thinking. Let her know you’re happy and relieved your ex is no longer in your life.
That way you’ll be reinforcing your internal thoughts by matching them to your spoken words too. And if you do this enough times, it changes your thoughts to match your new feelings and actions.
You need to sync up your mind and body to work in unison so that they all send the same new message to your brain. And when you have all that working together nicely, you’ll change your biological chemistry to match your new way of thinking.
Try practicing it with an existing habit
The easiest way to instil a new habit is to pair it with an existing one. So for example, when you’re cleaning your teeth, try and remind yourself to not think of your ex. Focus on just cleaning your teeth.
And if you do that twice a day, that’s at least four minutes of trying to change your thoughts. And maybe the next day you try it again and it was easier this time. So then you add on some more minutes.
Every day you try, will be a step closer to changing. So whatever effort you put in, you’ll get out. And the more effort, the faster you’ll get there.
What happens if I mess up?
It’s important that when you mess up, you don’t let it define you. Identify yourself with the outcome you want instead. So instead of thinking you’re useless and never trying again. See yourself as someone who’s improving with every mistake they make.
Because when you try something new for the first time, you can’t be bad at it. You just haven’t learnt it yet – you’re still building that new skill.
So if you fuck up – which most likely you will – it doesn’t matter! Just come back to it again when you remember.
One slip up doesn’t mean all is lost.
Changing your thoughts will still be something you can try again tomorrow. So don’t give up when you mess up; learning anything new will be a frustrating process until your brain gets it.
But one day, you’ll finally go the whole day with positive thoughts and you’ll feel the relief it brings. And it’ll be the confirmation you need to show you what you’re doing’s working.
That’s your turning point because you’ve got your proof now. So you’ll want to keep paying attention to your thoughts. You’ll be like “I did that, I created that change in me”! And when you start to feel better, it’ll just all make sense for you.
Commit for the future you
If you’re not in control of your thoughts, they’ll rule your actions. And when you’re in the midst of a trauma bond, you feel like that. So forcing yourself to change and abide by a new way of thinking can feel very limiting at first.
But in essence, what you’re actually doing is freeing yourself. Because you’re putting in the hard work now as an investment to your future self. And like I said earlier on, when it becomes a habit, you do it automatically.
What you put in, you’ll get out. So giving this a crack for a week won’t work! You need to be committed and self disciplined for the long haul. The benefits’ll come, you just have to keep going – even when you don’t feel like it.
It’s all a mental game, so you’ve got to fix the thoughts before you try to work on anything else. And things like therapy will help get you there faster. But unfortunately, there’s no quick fix, it just takes time and practice.
You control your thoughts
After reading all of that, it does kinda make you want to stop thinking negatively, right? It makes you want to rewrite the story you’ve been telling yourself.
And the mad thing is, is we can change that at any time. Like we’re in complete control of our thoughts. Yet we don’t change them because it’s too hard. It’s so much easier to stay the same and think the same.
We’d rather cling to our suffering than reach for new possibilities because it’s more familiar to us. And that’s what I meant by the method being simple – just change your thinking. It’s practicing to change your thoughts every time you notice it happening – that’s what’s difficult – the action.
And as you progress, remember to celebrate the small wins. Because each step you take away from that toxic bond is a triumph. It’s a testament to your strength and growth.
Lastly, don’t forget that quote from our gal, Elle. Believe in yourself – your resilience, your capacity for healing and your potential. Because you can do this, we all have the ability to change our thoughts. You’ve just got to start.
References used
The D.O.A.C – Ryan Holiday
The D.O.A.C – Joe Dispenza
The D.O.A.C – Marisa Peer