After a narcissistic relationship, you’re left feeling like you’ve lost a part of yourself, or even all of yourself.
So when it comes to healing, it feels like feeling “normal” again is light years away.
Which can kinda leave you paralysed and doing nothing at all for a while.
Well, at least until you’ve had enough of your suffering.
That was the case for me…
I hit rock bottom and then started doing something about it.
You see…
You eventually reach this point where you realise, you have to let go and move on. Because otherwise you’re just staying stuck and letting your ex control your life still.
And we don’t want that.
You’ve wasted enough of your time and energy on them already.
So instead of putting that energy into them, put it into you.
Start living for you again and try these healing techniques below.
Because I promise you, when you remove your focus from them and focus more on you, you’ll start to feel better.
Just like I did.
And the only difference between you and I, is I started sooner. So I’ve got that hindsight you need and the tools that got me there quicker.
And lucky for you, they’re written out below…
How to Move on After a Narcissistic Relationship
You’ve probably been told countless times that healing after narcissistic abuse isn’t linear and no one can tell you how long it’s going to take. Blah, blah, blah!
But if you put consistent effort into it and you’re disciplined, you will get results like I did.
Of course, this also depends on how much damage was done, your access to support and how many toxic relationships you’ve previously had. All these factors are going to determine your success with healing too.
But I do know, if you chuck everything you have into this process. As well as do the right combination of things together —you will get there faster.
Below is a list of recommendations that I’ve either done, other survivors tell you to do, or I’ve researched about.
So choose the approaches that you can commit to and don’t give up. Results aren’t immediate and will compound over time, as long as you keep showing up for yourself.
You Need to Tackle the Mind AND the Body When Recovering From a Narcissistic Relationship
You need to do both. Because your mind needs to have insight and awareness of what happened to you. And your body – your nervous system – needs to process the unresolved stress and emotion attached to it.
Talk therapy 🗣️
Talking about your relationship with someone who gets you, gives you the validation you so desperately need after a narcissistic relationship.
And when you look for a therapist or a coach, make sure they’ve experienced it themselves.
It’s like getting advice from a fitness trainer, you want to make sure they’ve had your struggles and overcome them. Because someone who’s just read all the books on how to be a fitness trainer, will lack the insight you need to get into shape.
So the same goes for therapists and coaches. You want to know this person is equipped to handle your experiences and has the empathy you need to move forward.
I’ve sadly heard too many stories of survivors getting support from the wrong therapists and feeling even worse afterwards. Which understandably puts you off reaching out for help again.
Because that first step is hard enough as it is. So to then finally get there and realise it was a mistake, can be really off putting. And also make you feel helpless and stuck.
So it’s perfectly ok, to ring around, or email several options before you settle on giving one a go. And make use of free consultation calls, so you can get a good feel before you commit.
*Warning*
Sometimes talking about your toxic relationship can feel like you’re reliving your trauma. Because you’re going over heavy stuff and that can be triggering for you.
So, if thats you and you can’t bear the thought of explaining the details of what you’ve been through, Then there are other avenues you can try first…
Body work (somatic work} 🫀🫁
Trauma isn’t just a head problem. It lives in your body, deep in your nervous system. And talking about it, doesn’t always solve everything.
You can still experience physical symptoms and stress, like feeling unsafe —which is completely normal. But it does need to be addressed and worked through.
And thats what somatic work can help you with. So if you can’t talk about the event itself, you can instead explain the effects its had on you. For example:
“It’s left me feeling scared and like I don’t trust anyone. I have this sense to want to run away when I start feeling uncomfortable. Like I can feel my heart beating really fast and I have to get out of there”.
So you see, you’re just describing your feelings —not what actually happened to you. And that approach can feel more gentle and less intimidating. Rather than sitting there and rehashing all the painful details over and over again.
And what a somatic practitioner will do with you, is they’ll help you to build your capacity to deal with these hard feelings. They’ll hold space for you to process them and teach you practical ways to do that.
CBT is great, but doing it without anything else, won’t get you to the finishing line. It can kinda wear off after a while and you can start to feel bad again [Dr Russell Kennedy].
But when you combine it with body work, you’re tackling your trauma from both angles —the mind and the body—for lasting healing. Unfortunately, you can’t just think your way out of trauma, you have to feel it as well.
This all might sound a bit woo-woo to you because it’s not mainstream yet. But there’s a lot of supporting research and success with somatic-led approaches.
Try them out
If you haven’t explored it yet, perhaps you feel a bit stuck, like you’re not making much progress with your healing. Then why not ease yourself into this with a self taught program you can do at home, that combines both cognitive and somatic techniques.
It’s inexpensive (unlike most coaching and therapy), and perfect because you’re not committed to a schedule. You can fit it in around your personal life and not get charged for last minute cancellations!
So if it feels too daunting to speak to someone directly, start with this. And learn the ropes, feel more confident in yourself and start gaining the skills to heal your trauma.
*A wee disclosure: there are affiliate links on this page. That just means if you click on a link – and follow through with buying it – i’ll make a commission. Don’t worry, you won’t pay any extra and sometimes you might even get a cheeky discount! Click here for more info.
Journal About Your Narcissistic Relationship 📝
Journalling is a great place to be honest with yourself. Writing the truth down can also feel easier than admitting it to yourself. It gives you the space to slow down to think and process your words.
Like if you miss them but hate them at the same time, it doesn’t matter, no one’s going to judge your written words. They’re for you and a way to process your complex feelings.
Because the act of writing is cathartic (hence this blog). It helps you develop awareness of your trauma and really hone in on what’s bothering you.
Research has even shown that when you understand what’s going on with your emotions. And you can describe what you’re feeling, it gets much easier to handle them.
Why journalling helps with PTSD
When you have PTSD, the logical part of your brain becomes harder to access, especially when you’re triggered.
Here’s a bit of science to help explain what happens:
PTSD often affects the communication between the emotional and logical parts of your brain. Specifically, the amygdala (the part of your brain responsible for threat detection) becomes overactive. While the prefrontal cortex (the logical, reasoning part of the brain), has reduced activity.
So when you’re triggered, the amygdala goes into overdrive, sending your brain into “fight, flight or freeze” mode. This then makes it hard to think rationally, or logically in the moment because the brain is prioritising survival instead.
The hippocampus (responsible for memory and distinguishing between past and present experiences), can also shrink due to trauma. Which also makes it harder for you to realise that you’re safe now and that the traumatic event isn’t happening again.
As a result, the emotional response can overpower the logical thinking process, making it difficult to assess situations calmly or rationally.
So healing from PTSD often involves retraining the brain to rebuild the connection between the emotional and logical sides, helping you to regain control over your reactions.
Journaling helps to engage your logic
You start by writing down your irrational thoughts, giving them space and validating the emotions behind them.
Then, you follow up with rational responses, almost like having an internal debate where the logical side argues back.
Here’s an example of how you can do this journaling exercise
Step 1
Write down your irrational thoughts, like so:
“I feel like I’ll never be able to trust anyone again. Every relationship is just going to end up the same way. And I’m not capable of finding someone who treats me well.”
Step 2
Validate the emotions behind them:
“It’s understandable that I feel this way. I’ve been hurt and betrayed, and it’s natural to be afraid of being vulnerable again. My fears are trying to protect me from getting hurt.”
Step 3
Follow up with rational responses:
“Not every relationship is going to be like the last one. Just because I had a bad experience doesn’t mean I’m destined to repeat it. I’m learning more about myself and what to watch out for in a healthy relationship. I’m capable of making different choices now.”
Step 4
Reflect on how both sides can work together:
“It’s okay to feel scared, but I also need to remind myself that I’m stronger now and more aware of red flags. I can take my time and set boundaries. It’s possible to find someone trustworthy, and I don’t have to rush the process.”
Over time, this practice helps both sides work together. You’ll strengthen the connection between your emotional and logical sides. Through repetition, the emotional brain starts to trust and work with the logical brain again, supporting each other in a more balanced way.
Practice Mindfulness After a Narcissistic Abuse 🧘🏽♀️
Mindfulness is about creating a capacity to witness your experiences. So it’s the practice of being with your experience, rather than being in it.
And this is best practiced before you get into a state of anxiety. So you’ve already taught your nervous system the tools it needs to relax.
Thats what meditation’s all about…
Helping you detach enough to become the observer of your thoughts.
So that you create enough space and time to intervene with the choices you have to manage your stress.
And that doesn’t mean you have to be sat on the floor with your legs crossed chanting OMMM!
You can just brush your teeth and practice bringing your mind back to what you’re doing. This isn’t easy —trust me! Even though it’s only two minutes, it’s challenging enough!
So start small and try and focus on the here and now with little tasks you do on the daily. And invite your mind to take a break from the ruminating.
Distancing Techniques to try After a Narcissistic Relationship 🧠
Another mind technique is to try and think about your toxic relationship from a third person perspective [Rhonda Freeman]. Especially when you’re revisiting heavy emotional stuff.
I know it sounds a bit weird, but bear with me!
Instead of thinking “I feel so hurt”, try something like: “[Your name] feels really hurt right now”. You’re trying to depersonalise the situation by creating a bit of distance from what happened.
This little switch-up in how you talk to yourself can do wonders. You’ll find it easier to be kind to yourself and you might even notice your emotions aren’t running the show as much.
Plus, it helps your brain tap into its logical side and observe the memories more than relive them.
The best part?
The more you practice this, the more natural it’ll feel. And your brain will start to build these new pathways that are more self-compassionate too.
Do More Small Meaningful Actions 🤳🏼
One of the worst things after a narcissistic relationship is its cost to your mental health.
It’s that helpless feeling of “no matter what I do, it’s not going to make a difference”.
And so to diminish that feeling of ‘what’s the point’? You have to find small and meaningful actions that you can take everyday that help counteract that.
And that can be anything:
Like, looking after your children, knowing you’re impacting them to become their own independent and compassionate people.
Or maybe you get your kicks from helping out in your community, mowing your elderly neighbours lawn.
Or sending a text to someone you haven’t spoken to in a while, letting them know you’re thinking of them.
For me it was turning my abusive experience into something that mattered. I had to find a way to turn my pain into a positive.
So that’s why you’ll always catch me researching and learning about narc abuse.
Because helping other women navigate it, gives me meaning and makes me feel like I’m making a difference.
When you’ve been starved from connection and love in your relationship, you need to get it from other sources.
Connecting with people around you will make you feel happier, more important and like you belong somewhere. And these things will help build you back up again.
And not forgetting your basics, like:
Sleep 🛌
Making sure you’re getting enough of it and not going to bed too late. So maybe you set a daily reminder to get to bed on time every night.
Diet 🍓🥑
Eating a well balanced diet so you can nourish yourself from the inside out.
If you eat shit, you’ll feel like shit!
Junk food’s great and we need it sometimes. But eating it all the time, won’t do you any good.
And doing the opposite – not eating at all – is also bad for you.
I’m guilty of this 🙋♀️
I don’t comfort eat and instead, I feel sick when I’m depressed. And I really have to force myself to eat. So I make the effort to eat something light and easy, like soup and bread!
Exercise 🏋🏿♀️
Like doing sports you love, running, hiking, weights, yoga or dance.
Confession:
I sometimes hate exercising and don’t want to do it.
But I make myself do it because of the outcomes I get. I feel better, like I’ve achieved something for myself. Because when you’re struggling, doing just one thing can make a difference. So make sure you prioritise moving your body every day.
Even if you have a five minute walk around the block, it’ll do you the world of good.
In fact, you’re creating a type of EMDR therapy by walking. Because when you’re not on your phone, and you’re walking and moving your eyes across the landscape, you’re doing EMDR.
Hobbies 🎨⛸️
Rediscover any interests you’ve abandoned or find new ones. For me it was jiu jitsu, I like to play fight! And it also helped me to mimic defending myself. I felt more powerful knowing some self defence.
This was also true for Mary Turner Thomson. Who became a black belt in Tae Kwon Doe after her INSANE relationship with a psychopath. You can read her book here.
Socialising 👯♀️
Make new friends, or repair old friendships you might’ve neglected.
Socialising is connection and a reminder that you’re not alone; it rebuilds your sense of belonging.
And having a laugh with your friends always boosts your mood! Good friends support you and lift you up when you need it.
Also, other people’s lives and problems can sometimes be a good distraction from your own. It temporarily takes your mind off things. Even just meeting someone for coffee, can make a big difference to your day.
4 Post-Narcissistic Relationship Rules to Follow
After a narcissistic relationship you need to keep yourself grounded and on the right track. So the below guidelines are to help you avoid setbacks and stay focused on your recovery. They’re there to protect you and be realistic about the past, so you can keep progressing with healing.
They’re basically all the mistakes I made with my healing, that you don’t need to make yourself! Trust me —they’ll only hinder your progress.
1. Don’t be afraid of everyone
Just because you’ve been wronged by one person (or maybe several😔), it doesn’t mean everyone is bad, or out to get you.
It’s like being bitten by a dog and then generalising that “all dogs are scary and dangerous”. Which could then lead to phobic like behaviours —avoiding all dogs (people) because they could bite you [Arielle Schwartz].
But the more you avoid dogs (people), the more it’ll reinforce that belief. And so it becomes this self-fulfilling prophecy.
And to get out of that cycle, you need to gradually reintroduce dogs (people) into your life. So you can challenge that bad experience, and eventually update your beliefs.
Meaning…
Be cautious, take your time, and focus on healing first. Give yourself the best chance to meet healthy people by doing the inner work.
While there’s no guarantee you won’t meet another narcissist, you can strengthen your ability to recognise narcissistic behaviour. That way, when you let new people into your life, you’ll be more discerning and better protected.
There are plenty of survivors who’ve had great loves after a narcissistic relationship —including me! So don’t be discouraged by one bad egg! Because the reality of dating another narcissist is statistically quite slim.
2. Avoid overwhelm
It’s easy to get caught up googling everything there is to know about narcissism. But doing it too much won’t help you, it’ll make you feel worse because you’ll keep getting triggered.
The same goes for retelling your story after a narcissistic relationship. Going over the gory details means reliving them in your mind and body too.
Because your brain can’t distinguish between a memory and what’s happening right now.
So if you keep re-telling your story, you’ll keep putting your body and mind through the traumatic experience. And you’ll stay in that activated state, rather than shifting your focus towards healing.
I’m not saying don’t ever talk about it again —that’s not healthy either. But avoid who you tell and how often you keep talking about it.
Perhaps you make a rule for yourself to only talk about it in therapy and not to your friends who don’t understand anyway. Just be mindful of your limits and don’t exploit them.
3. Abstain and don’t date straight after your narcissistic relationship
I know thats no fun! But you won’t enjoy getting into another unhealthy relationship if you’re not healed yet.
You’re most likely to date toxic people when you’re vulnerable and desperate. And you need to give yourself time to build up your judgement again. Along with your self esteem and everything else the narcissist damaged.
So if you know that having sex isn’t meaningless for you, and you tend to catch feelings quickly Then you need to do right by yourself and refrain from having sex with new people.
Because you’re not doing yourself any favours putting yourself in unsafe situations when you’re not ready yet. Self worth doesn’t come from external validation, it exists within the self.
4. It’s ok to remember the good times
But make sure you look back with a critical eye and see it as part of the whole. Don’t just romanticise the good times and forget all the bad stuff that came with it too; all of it played a part in the narcissistic abuse cycle.
So be honest with yourself. Because their loving behaviour, AKA love bombing, was manipulation too. It might’ve felt good in the moment. But it wasn’t genuine love. And you need to remind yourself of that when you miss them or start doubting your decision to move on.
The good times were just a tactic to keep you hooked, a way to control and confuse you. It’s important to remember that real love doesn’t come with conditions or manipulation.
So, when those memories resurface, acknowledge them. But don’t let them distort the reality of what you went through.
Final thoughts
Healing after a narcissistic relationship doesn’t have to be this painful, lifelong struggle it’s made out to be. With the right tools and support, the process is actually a lot easier and quicker than you might think.
While what happened to you wasn’t your fault, healing is your responsibility. And as soon as you start to direct your attention away from your narcissist, and on to you and your needs, you’ll make real progress.
So start by exploring the tools that resonate with you. Pick one that feels right and give it a try. If it doesn’t work for you, move on to another—you’re in control of what works best for your healing.
Ultimately, it’s not just about what you do, but why you’re doing it. Because when you understand the education behind how these things will help you, you’ll feel more motivated to do them. And then that’s how you’ll guide yourself through the healing process and back to you again.