I’m going to tell you why it’s so hard to heal from narcissistic abuse.
Because I know this is a burning question for my fellow survivors.
Especially those who are six months into healing and feeling like they’ve not made an inch of progress.
I know where you’re at right now:
You’re torn between moving on and holding on. You know, just in case they actually change.
And despite them treating you terribly, you still kinda hope they’ll want you back.
Which you keep fantasising about too…
Hoping they’ll beg you back, ask for forgiveness and tell you how much their life’s fallen apart without you.
But it’s exactly that…
A fantasy.
That won’t come true in the way you need it to.
Because by now, you’ve seen how this works and you’ve got the t-shirt.
You’re just desperate to feel “normal” again. And in the past, you got used to turning to them for comfort —thanks trauma bond!
But the solution to your pain isn’t the source of it. Going back to them is just a short cut to re-entering the misery you finally got away from.
The real healing lies within you. It’s the deep work you’ve already started…
It just doesn’t heal overnight. And takes time, patience, belief and a whole lot of unlearning.
So if it feels slow, that’s because it is—but that doesn’t mean you’re not moving forward.
You’re just overcoming the below struggles…
Understanding Why it’s So Hard to Heal From Narcissistic Abuse
You’re not just getting over finding out they’re an abuser. You’re also getting over the damage of their abusing.
Which might’ve lasted weeks, months or years.
And if you add in the recurring re-traumatisation that still happens after you break up—like hoovering, or post-separation abuse—then that’s a lot of harm you have to undo.
So you’re not just processing a break up, you’re also processing trauma.
Reasons Why Narcissistic Abuse Makes it So Hard to Heal
Healing from narcissistic abuse isn’t your typical breakup recovery.
So the Sex and the City rule of, “it takes half the total time you went out with someone to get over them”—doesn’t apply to your situation.
Instead you’re dealing with confusion, self-doubt and repercussions of your trauma bond! FUN!
NOT!
But until you understand why you’re dealing with this whole host of emotions, you’re going to keep blaming yourself. And feeling like there’s something wrong with you.
So I’m going to break it down for you and give you some key reasons for why it’s so hard to heal from narcissistic abuse.
1. Trauma Bonding
This is like the collateral damage for being in a relationship with a narcissist.
Because of the hot and cold dynamic, the power imbalance and the shifting between abusive and loving behaviour, you bond to your abuser.
How it works
A relationship with a narcissist always kicks off with the most unforgettable start (love bombing):
Fireworks, soulmates and a whole lotta “I’m so lucky to have met you” spiels.
So it’s totally normal to feel a strong connection when someone showers you with attention and acts super sweet. And this positive experience then sets the benchmark for your expectations of them, right?
But…
When that same person starts mixing in some not-so-nice behaviour, or puts you down, those earlier lovey-dovey moments really mess with your head.
And that benchmark sort of becomes a goalpost to try and get back to. And why you find yourself thinking, “But they were so amazing at first! If I just try harder, maybe they’ll go back to being that wonderful person I fell for.”
The confusion of intermittent reinforcement
The thing is, those bursts of kindness are what make it super confusing to see the relationship clearly. It’s how they make you doubt your experiences of the bad stuff. And why you believe they’ve the potential to become their “loving version” again.
The positive moments are like decoys that take your attention away from the icky stuff. And they’re what keep you hopeful and break the relationship up, so it doesn’t always feel negative.
So it’s their nice side you get attached to —not their abuse. It’s the same principle that makes gambling so addictive – you never know when you’ll hit the jackpot, so you keep on playing.
After the relationship ends
The abuse won’t even be obvious to you, which is why it feels so hard to heal from it. Because you don’t even realise it’s narcissistic abuse until you’re away from them (like I did 🙋♀️).
So it’s only when you’re struggling to stay away from them. And you feel like you can’t live without them, that you start to question things.
You’ll also favour thinking about the good times because it’s how your brain knows to soothe you. It’s like with any other breakup, you naturally only remember the good times when you don’t want things to be over.
Except it feels way more intense with trauma bonding, because of how extreme the highs were. So there was a lot more of those feel-good chemicals released too.
The battle between your logic and emotion
That’s why, even though logically you might know the relationship was toxic, emotionally you’re still drawn to it. Your brain is literally wired to crave that intense emotional crack. Making it so much harder for you to stay away from them and heal.
And this is what leads you to think maybe it wasn’t that bad. Or maybe you made a mistake. Because being with them was actually a lot better than the pain you’re feeling right now.
All these doubts creep in and add to your confusion, making the loss of them feel unbearable.
And typically what happens in the cycle, when you’re at your lowest point (the discard), they hoover you back in again. So your brain chemistry is literally addicted to the pattern of the corresponding chemicals that come with their hot and cold behaviour.
Which is why you’re in the habit of returning to them for comfort, despite all their devaluing and discarding they’ve put you through.
So you’re not only up against your emotions, but your biology too.
Gaslighting and manipulation
Raise your hand if you felt these things after finding out you were with a narcissist:
- Stupid that you didn’t see it?
- That you didn’t leave sooner?
- And ashamed you “let it happen”?
Me too. But it’s not because you’re stupid, you were manipulated.
Stupid’s cutting up chilis and then touching your eyes after!
You can’t be stupid for being manipulated. Because manipulation is invisible mind control —you can’t outsmart something you didn’t even know was happening to you!
Think about it:
When you’re in the thick of it, you have no idea you’re being played. That’s the whole point!
It’s not like they give you a heads up to say, “Hey, I’m about to gaslight you, here’s how it’s going to work.” And then you agree to it —that would be stupid haha!
Narcissistic gaslighting is subtle. It’s gradual. It’s that whole frog in the boiling water analogy —turn up the heat slowly enough, and you won’t notice until it’s too late.
Narcissists are pros at making you doubt your reality. They twist things carefully enough, that by the time you start to feel something’s off, you’re already knee-deep under their control.
So don’t beat yourself up for not seeing it sooner. The fact that you didn’t know it was happening is exactly why it worked. And why uncovering the reality of what happened feels so disorientating to you.
You’re exposing their lies which is undoubtedly going to make you question your judgment about everything you believed.
Guilt
And because of how gaslighting works—constantly blamed for all the problems in your relationship—you feel at fault all the time too. So you feel responsible for the abuse as well.
And afterwards, that impact doesn’t just go away. You’ve been trained to feel guilty for setting boundaries. So when you set a firm boundary, like blocking your narcissist, that can feel alien to you.
You think you’re being mean and unfair to them because you’re so used to doing what they want. And when you don’t, it makes you feel like you’re doing something wrong.
Self-doubt
So you might find yourself constantly second-guessing your decisions, your perceptions, and even your own worth.
“Was it really that bad?” “Am I just overreacting?” “Maybe if I’d done things differently…”
These questions swirl in your mind, chipping away at your self-confidence. The manipulation you went through has trained you to doubt your own reality, making it hard to trust your feelings or memories.
This self-doubt can paralyse you, making even small decisions feel overwhelming. You’re treading carefully, always afraid of making the wrong move, or misinterpreting a situation.
Cognitive dissonance
One of the side effects of gaslighting:
When the narcissist’s behaviour doesn’t align with your expectations of love or “normal” relationships.
So this is what creates the confusion and mental conflict you’re feeling —the cognitive dissonance.
And rationalising or avoiding arguments with them about things that matter to you, is how you coped with the strain of it.
But it also leaves you questioning your judgment and memories of events. You’re trying to decipher what was manipulation, what was real and your part in it. Which makes it difficult to trust yourself during the healing process, because you only have your perception to go off.
Perception of love
Narcissists skew your understanding of what love’s supposed to be, making it hard to know what healthy love looks like.
Because now…
“Everything good you’ve ever believed about human beings is contradicted. Every thought you’ve had about loyalty, experience, and truthfulness is denied. Every trope you’ve heard about marriage, love, and partnership is hammered into silence. Every idea you’ve had about human connection is trashed by the narcissist’s behavior…every promise he or she made to you, every moment you spent together, everything you ever believed about your relationship and connection—has been strafed or burned to the ground”.
[Psychology Today].
So you see…
Your whole idea of love has been spat back into your face! And what you thought was true love is now a betrayal and lies upon lies.
So no wonder your whole world’s collapsed, darling, mine did too.
Trust issues
Here’s how gaslighting usually goes down:
- The gaslighter questions your mental state, or memory.
- You start to doubt yourself and your perception of reality.
- This self-doubt makes you act a bit off because, well, you’re freaked out that you might be losing it.
- The gaslighter then points to this “off” behaviour as “proof” that you’re unstable.
- So you start to believe them because, hey, you’re acting weird (but only because they made you doubt yourself in the first place)!
It’s a vicious cycle that gives the gaslighter more and more control. They can then rewrite your narrative, deny things happened, or claim things happened that didn’t. And over time, their stories become the “official” version of events.
So that’s why when you’re away from the relationship, you’re left wondering if anything was real, or if it was all just a big lie. And that’s what results in you not being able to trust your feelings.
Which is why gaslighting is so effective because you tend to value their take on things more than your own opinion.
3. Loss of Identity
Narcissists erode your sense of self by controlling your thoughts, actions, and beliefs. And that leaves you feeling lost and unsure of who you are after the abuse ends.
Especially if you’re an empath, an HSP (highly sensitive person), or a people pleaser, you almost feel it’s your duty to put others first. And because of that, you’re easier to control as you’ll sacrifice your own needs in order to help them.
So when you’re being manipulated, it’s like you merge their needs as your own. And you end up devoting your entire self to serving them, and neglect your needs in the process [Kim Saeed].
Your identity gets so enmeshed in your narcissist and the relationship, that you don’t even know who you are without them anymore.
So you have to break your ties to them, before you can strengthen the relationship you have with yourself.
Self-esteem
The narcissists devaluing behaviour, like criticism, silent treatment and belittling really erode your self-esteem.
So I’m not surprised if you fear being alone and worry that no one else would want you. Because when you lack self-esteem, it’s difficult to feel empowered and take control of your life. And put boundaries in place to protect you.
Fear and anxiety
The constant stress from being in a toxic relationship, like the fear of abandonment or punishment. Over time, it makes you feel less and less safe, even after the abuse ends.
Because your nervous system is still on high alert and has become dyseregulated. (You can regulate it again with self-help programs like this).
And if you add to that the other worries like financial, or social issues, then there’s more problems to resolve. So the problems are bigger than just heartbreak.
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4. Isolation
The way that narcissistic abuse works is to try and isolate you from your support network. So that’s cutting you off from your friends and family. Which makes it easier for them to control you, because you’ve got no one to step in and advise you.
And if your relationships broke down, or you had to distance yourself from them (because of no contact). Then you’re often alone when you start healing and have no one to turn to.
Shame
It’s not just feeling bad about what happened —it’s feeling bad about who you are.
You might catch yourself thinking, “How could I’ve let this happen to me?” or “I should’ve known better.”
This shame runs deep, making you feel somehow defective or unworthy. It’s as if the narcissist’s criticisms and put-downs have seeped into your very core, colouring how you see yourself.
So you might feel embarrassed about staying in the relationship, about the things you put up with, or about still having feelings for your abuser.
This shame can isolate you, making it hard to reach out for help or share your experiences. It whispers that you’re alone in this, that no one else would understand.
5.Long-term effects
Complex PTSD often gets missed as you don’t typically think a relationship can have such damaging impacts. But it can and it did for me.
It’s the reason for your constant flashbacks, ruminating, hyper vigilance or lack of sleep.
Because when you’re exposed to abuse for a long time —and you’re not even aware of it—it’s A LOT for your mental health to digest.
Especially if it goes unnoticed, or ignored for a long time, it gets harder to fix. But it’s not impossible to heal; I don’t suffer with those effects anymore and you don’t have to either.
Getting over betrayal
Narcissistic abuse is one of the biggest betrayals you can face. Because if your situation was like mine, you were with a partner who you believed loved you.
And in your head, that meant you could trust them.
But then you found out they did some really horrible things without you even knowing. And that might’ve involved cheating, as well as a heap of emotional abuse.
So when you’ve had that much faith in your partner. And they crush that reality with the worst possible truth, it breaks the very soul of your being.
Judgement
And it also questions your judgement of people. Because you blame yourself, “how did I not know?”
This self-doubt doesn’t just stop with your ex though. It spills over into every relationship, making you second-guess your ability to read people.
You might find yourself overly suspicious of kindness, wondering if it’s genuine, or love bombing. Or you might go the other way: ignoring red flags because you’re afraid of being “too paranoid”.
It feels like you’ve lost your ability to judge people. Because you’re not even sure if you can trust your own instincts anymore.
This shaken confidence in your judgement can leave you feeling vulnerable and unsure in social situations, making it that much harder to form new, healthy connections.
Grief and anger
Grief is about loss. The loss of what you believed to be true, what you hoped was true.
But also the loss of the life you’d planned for. The realisation that it was all just a ploy to get you stay.
So it’s digesting all that future faking as exactly that:
False promises that helped you wait out the bad stuff, so it would all become “worth it” in the end.
And now knowing it wasn’t worth it, is crushing. It feels like a complete waste of your time and energy to have built your whole life around, “it’ll get better one day”.
Which also ties into the heavy anger you’re probably feeling too. The unjustness of it all because none of it was fair.
So I don’t blame you for wishing bad things to happen to your ex, I felt the exact same way. And it’s ok to be angry, you should be and need to be. But in healthy ways, not setting your ex’s car on fire, that won’t help you in the long run!
6. Lack of Closure
Last one (unless I’ve missed something then please let me know in the comments)!
Civil breakups do not exist with narcissists. They may suddenly leave, start the abuse cycle again, or keep you in limbo. Which definitely complicates the process of getting over them.
Because closure is something you have to give to yourself. And you sure as hell shouldn’t be waiting for them to give you it! Lucky for you, I wrote a whole blog on how to do that here.
Final words
You hanging in there ok?
I know it’s a lot to take in, but when you know all of these reasons, you’ll start giving yourself a break. You’ll have more patience and understanding for yourself.
So the next time you get frustrated at your little progress and you ask ‘why is it so hard to heal from narcissistic abuse?!’ You’ve got six reasons why! (Loads more if you count them all separately)!
And when you finally get why you’re feeling a certain way, or why you’re struggling to move on, things start to make sense.
Knowledge is power! It helps you see that what you’re going through is a normal response to trauma. It’s not because you’re weak or stupid —it’s because you’re human.
And once you can understand the mechanics of what happened to you, I hope you have more compassion for yourself, because she needs it.
So yeah, healing from narcissistic abuse is damn hard. But understanding the science behind it? That’s laying the foundations for your recovery.
And if you want to build on that and get one-on-one support, you can sign up here.
If you want to know how to move on after a narcissistic relationship, read this blog next ⏭️