Narcissistic projection is like a mirror…
In the sense of a narcissist reflecting who they really are. But whilst they insist it’s you.
So you feeling blamed for everything that goes wrong in your relationship, is usually a sign of this behaviour.
What’s Narcissistic Projection?
Have you ever had someone accuse you of exactly what they were doing?
Like when your ex called you “controlling”, but they were the one checking your phone?
Or when they said you were “always lying”, but they were the one hiding things?
That’s narcissistic projection in action.
It’s when narcissists take their own toxic behaviours, feelings, or traits and transfer them directly onto you.
Because they can’t deal with their own flaws, which is why they point the finger at you instead.
So their jealousy becomes “why are YOU so jealous?”
Their cheating becomes “I bet YOU’RE the one cheating!”
The tricky part is, they actually believe it.
In their mind, they’re not the problem—you are. And they’ll argue until they’re blue in the face that you’re guilty of exactly what they’re doing.
So it also allows narcissists to avoid taking responsibility for their own behaviour. And control and manipulate you, instead. Which is why you feel pretty shit, confused, guilty and helpless.
So the next time someone’s aggressively accusing you of something, that feels oddly familiar… pay attention. They might be telling you exactly who they are, while insisting it’s you.
Understanding Narcissistic Projection in Relationships
A relationship with a narcissist isn’t a normal relationship. Instead of feeling supported and loved, you’ll feel like you’re always having to prove yourself. To be worthy of them and their time.
You’ll be belittled and disregarded. Your wins won’t be celebrated, and you’ll be made to feel small and insignificant by the person who claims to love you.
The main reason narcissists use projection is to protect their own self-image and boost their ego. Their ever-so-important ego.
You’ll quickly learn if you’re in a relationship with one, their ego comes before anything else.
It’s all about control. They need and want to have power over you.
By pushing their negative qualities onto you, they can maintain a sense of superiority and grandiosity. It’s a way for them to avoid facing their own shortcomings and maintain a positive view of themselves. Whilst making you look like the bad guy!
Types of Narcissistic Projection
Just as narcissists exist on different spectrums, their projections can take different forms too. These are the main types you might come across:
Blaming Narcissistic Projection
They’ll blame you for their own mistakes.
I’ll give you an example from my friend Laura:
Her ex, always craved attention and validation from others. So on nights out, she’d be overly familiar with people. Like literally grinding on anyone she could get her pussy on! And then she’d disappear with them for hours.
Any guesses for what happened when Laura confronted her about her inappropriate and upsetting behaviour?!
“Well you wouldn’t dance with me! You’re just being jealous!”
Of course—it was all Laura’s fault! There was no apology and no responsibility taken for her actions either. So in their eyes, you’re always the problem, and it’s never them, or the things they say or do!
Shaming Narcissistic Projection
Shaming projection is when a narcissist criticises, or puts you down to make themselves feel better.
Let’s say you have a new hobby you want to try, and you share this with your partner. It’s something you’re passionate about and excited about.
The response you’ll likely get from a narcissist is an eye roll, or some kind of condescending comment, like:
“Your hobbies are all you care about”, “I don’t think you’d be any good at it”, “it’s a waste of time and money”.
Instead of getting support, the narcissist takes control and attempts to undermine your confidence.
They thrive off criticism, insults and guilt-tripping—a tactic to ultimately get you to do what they want.
Denial Narcissistic Projection
Denial projection involves denying their own negative qualities or actions, and projecting them onto you. They refuse to acknowledge their own faults and instead, blame you for their problems.
It’s a relatively common form of projection, that sounds like this: “nope, that didn’t happen”, and “stop making things up”.
Back to Laura again…
She found out her ex had been cheating on her. But not directly from her ex—from the cheatee her ex had been shacking up with!
Laura hates admitting this part, but she still got back together with her ex—despite her gut instincts telling her otherwise.
Because as you’ve probably guessed, her ex fed her such a great performance of “honesty”. And denied all knowledge of her betrayal, convincing Laura that they were both just making up lies about her!
Victim-blaming Narcissistic Projection
Narcissists use victim-blaming projection to shift the blame onto you. They’ll accuse you of causing the problem, or claim you’re overreacting.
Again, going back to Laura (unfortunately, she’s just got better examples of projection than I do)!
When she kept finding out her ex had cheated, it became so glaringly obvious that denial just wasn’t going to cut it anymore.
So she had to change her projection tactics up a bit. Which is why Laura became the scapegoat of her actions…
She cheated because Laura was depressed and neglected her needs too much. So it was her fault she had to look for intimacy elsewhere. Or it was the cheatee’s fault for leading her on.
So it was never “I’m sorry”, and rather, “this is your fault”.
How to Spot the Signs of Narcissistic Projection
Think you might be dealing with narcissistic projection, but aren’t quite sure yet? I get it – when someone’s constantly pointing fingers at you, it’s easy to start doubting yourself.
But narcissists tend to follow a pretty predictable pattern of behaviours. Here’s what you’re looking out for:
- Blame – pointing fingers at others and never owning up to their mistakes. It’s their go-to move to avoid taking responsibility. So don’t expect them to own up to their actions—like ever! They’ll dodge all accountability, shifting blame onto anyone but themselves.
- No self-awareness – blind to their own flaws that they’ll dismiss any suggestion of imperfection. And act like they have it all figured out.
- Can’t handle criticism – not even the slightest critique! They’ll fire it right back at ya instead, making it seem like you’re the one with the problem.
- Twist reality – narcissists love to bend facts and manipulate situations. They’ll mess with your mind, making you doubt what you know to be true.
- Up and down – one minute they put you on a pedestal, showering you with compliments. The next, they tear you down, making you question your worth. Which is all part of their game to keep you guessing and walking on eggshells.
- Lack of empathy – narcissists struggle to step into your shoes and see your side of the story. They’re too busy obsessing over their own needs and desires, that yours don’t matter.
- Manipulation – in the form of guilt trips, mind games and emotional blackmail. They’ll do whatever it takes to control and manipulate you.
- Arrogance – narcissists see themselves as the centre of the universe. They believe they’re special, superior, and entitled to special treatment.
- A rollercoaster of emotions – brace yourself for wild mood swings. When their ego is threatened, they can go from charming and charismatic, to explosive anger. Basically just picture a big adult toddler who’ll have a strop when things don’t go their way!
What’s the Point of Narcissistic Projection?
Narcissistic projection is the ultimate psychological defence mechanism.
For narcissists, facing their own insecurities or bad behaviour, feels impossible. So instead of dealing with uncomfortable truths about themselves, they instinctively flip it onto you.
Are they feeling guilty about lying? Now you’re the dishonest one.
Are they feeling insecure about their success? They’ll accuse you of being jealous of their achievements.
So while you’re busy defending yourself against their accusations, or questioning your own behaviour, you’re distracted from seeing what they’re actually doing.
Most narcissists aren’t even consciously aware they’re doing this. It’s such a deeply ingrained survival mechanism that it happens automatically, like a reflex. And this is why they do it:
To avoid responsibility
Projection lets narcissists do a masterful dodge, avoiding any responsibility for their own flaws. They have an array of blame-shifting tactics to call upon when their delicate egos need protecting!
Despite what you might see on the outside, at their core, narcissists actually have very little self-esteem. So pushing imperfections onto you, helps them avoid thinking about their own (kinda like creating a decoy).
To perfect their image
They’re desperate to hide any hint of vulnerability. So projection helps them sweep their own weaknesses under the rug, while they pose as flawless human beings.
Again, it’s all about maintaining their image and projecting how they want to be seen. They see themselves as better than most people. So in their eyes, if they were to show weakness, their whole carefully crafted image would crumble too.
To manipulate you
By constantly accusing you of their own toxic traits, they keep you busy defending yourself instead of seeing through their game.
The more time you spend proving you’re not what they say you are, the less energy you have to recognise their manipulation. It’s their way of keeping you confused, defensive and under their control.
I remember one of the first stories my ex shared with me. It was about his ex fiancé and how badly she hurt him by cheating on him with someone they knew. I thought, “this poor guy, what a terrible betrayal he’s been through”.
And naturally, I assumed he’d never do that to me because, look how hurt he is. He’s just looking for a healthy and trusting girlfriend, which I was damn sure to prove I was!
Notice what he did there?
He sucked me in with a pity story, so that I would never believe he was capable of cheating. Which gave him the perfect cover because, why would I suspect he’d behave that way, when he knew how awful it felt?
To gaslight you
Narcissistic gaslighting messes with your sense of reality. The more they insist that you’re the one with the problem, the more you start to question your own judgment.
Soon you’re second-guessing everything: “maybe I’m too sensitive? Maybe I’m the jealous one?” And this mental gymnastics leaves you feeling confused and uncertain, making you more likely to accept their version of events.
It’s a slow burn that turns your own mind against you, making you doubt what you know to be true.
To steal the spotlight
Even when you’re the one hurting, they’ll find a way to make it all about them.
So if you try to address their harmful behaviour, you can bet they’ll become the victim—and you the villain. They’ll twist your pain into a story about how much they’re suffering.
Watch how quickly your “I feel hurt when you…” turns into their dramatic monologue about how difficult you are, how much they put up with, or how unfair you’re being.
It’s like emotional hijacking – they steal your moment of genuine hurt and turn it into their own pity party. Because they can’t stand when the attention is on anyone’s suffering but their own.
To avoid shame
Beneath the surface, narcissists harbour deep shame and vulnerability. But you’ll never see that.
Instead of facing it like grown-ups, they project those uncomfortable feelings onto you.
They’re unable to see themselves as less than. So they use the projection card to completely avoid their own emotions.
Has your partner ever made you feel bad about the way you look? Or picked on your weight or eating habits? The likelihood is, that that’s actually what they feel about themselves. It’s just easier for them to make you feel bad about it, so they don’t have to.
I know thats fucked up and hard to wrap your head around. But just remember, that their sense of reality is entirely different to how you, or I view things. So you’re not going to be able to adopt their way of thinking. So it’s better to just accept that their behaviour’s not a reflection of you. And instead, detach from their opinions and focus on your own.
The Impact of Narcissistic Projection
When narcissists project their own flaws, fears, and bad behaviours onto you, the effects ripple through your entire being, leaving lasting imprints in these ways:
Self-doubt and diminished self-esteem
You might start noticing that your once-solid confidence begins to melt away. Because the narcissist’s projections plant seeds of doubt in your mind and make you second-guess even your most basic truths.
Did you really cause that argument?
Are you actually the selfish one?
Maybe you’re being too sensitive?
Before you know it, you’re walking on eggshells, overthinking every action, and viewing yourself through their warped lens. And the worst part is…
This isn’t just a temporary dip in your confidence—the narcissist’s constant projections chip away at your self-esteem. Until you barely recognise the strong, capable person you once were.
Emotional and psychological damage
You’ll feel confused, devalued and emotionally drained. And the longer you’re with them, the harder it is to overcome.
I felt all over the place emotionally. And I didn’t even understand, or recognise how I was feeling coming out of the relationship. To be honest, I didn’t trust what I was feeling until I was validated by a therapist.
Because when you’ve been repeatedly told that your feelings and needs are wrong, you have to relearn how to trust your emotions again. And that takes time and a lot of therapy and support! [See below for how to deal with the effects].
Isolation
The narcissist will isolate you by making you doubt your relationships with others, or by creating a dependency on them.
Like making untrue comments about your friendships, that your friends are using you. Guilt tripping you for spending time with them, or even intruding on your time with them. You might hear remarks like: “but I’ll be all alone”, or “can I not come with you?”
So this type of behaviour makes you doubt your support system and how you should spend your time. But because it happens so gradually, it makes it super hard for you to notice what’s happening, or even ask for an outside perspective.
Which is also, exactly what they’re hoping for—they want to be dictating your reality without any outsider influence. Narcissists are basically reducing your chances of you hearing anything negative about them, or your relationship. So they can control you further and make you solely reliant on them.
Walking on eggshells
To avoid triggering your partner’s projections or wrath, you find yourself constantly walking on eggshells, carefully monitoring your words and actions. And adjusting your behaviour to anticipate what kind of mood they’ll be in. Which is emotionally exhausting and creates a constant state of anxiety and stress.
Loss of identity and autonomy
You might wake up one day and struggle to recognise who you are anymore. The constant barrage of projections doesn’t just cloud your judgment – it slowly erases the boundaries between their issues and your reality.
You start to drift away from the things you once loved, the opinions you held dear, and even the simple choices that used to be automatically yours to make. Should you really wear that outfit? Is that actually your favourite restaurant, or were you just trying to avoid conflict?
The narcissist’s projections distort your self-image and gradually grind down your ability to make decisions without second-guessing yourself. Until even the smallest acts of independence feel like massive hurdles to overcome.
Dependency
Have you ever found yourself thinking: “I swear we’ve argued about this exact same thing before?!”
Thats because relationships with narcissists follow a cycle. And it’ll just keep on repeating, with you completely unaware because the abuse is subtle. So that’s why you just think it’s the same argument again, rather than realising its projection or gaslighting.
It’s one of those things that until you learn about it, it’s impossible to spot it happening to you. And even then, you’ll still struggle to spot it because of how confusing it all is and because you don’t trust your account of events. AND because the relationship isn’t always bad either—thanks to their love bombing techniques.
Cycles of narcissistic projection create this toxic imbalance, making you increasingly dependent on their approval and validation. So much so, that you’re not able to give it to yourself anymore—because they’ve manipulated you to become that way.
So your dependency makes it difficult for you to break free (that’s the trauma bond at work)—which is exactly what they want!
How to Deal with Narcissistic Projection
You’ve probably been made aware that narcissists don’t change; their rigid personalities are resistant to it. And that’s a difficult truth to accept, as well as believe.
So if you’re still having to deal with one, you’re going to have to take practical steps to protect yourself instead…
Recognise the patterns
Keep informed—which you’re clearly doing right now. Because it’s going to help you understand how they work and make you realise that it’s not you. The more you understand about narcissistic abuse, the more you can look after yourself.
After all, knowledge is power 💪🏽
Validate your feelings
You’ve been brainwashed against your own beliefs. So learning to trust your instincts and feelings is going to take work.
You need to create a better mind and body connection to recognise your authentic feelings and reactions. Because your body’s signals are always communicating something to you. It’s just that you’ve gotten out of touch with the messages it’s sending to you, because of the narcissist’s constant meddling.
Self-healing programs like this, mean you can practice learning techniques to combat that in the privacy of your own home, and without the fear of judgement. And this will give you a foundation to build on in therapy.
*A wee disclosure: there are affiliate links on this page. That just means if you click on a link – and follow through with buying it – i’ll make a commission. Don’t worry, you won’t pay any extra and sometimes you might even get a cheeky discount! Click here for more info.
Set and enforce boundaries
Setting boundaries means prioritising your feelings over the narcissists. And learning how to limit your interactions with them. Strategies like low contact vs no contact need to be considered, so you can be less affected by their behaviour and actions.
Practice self-care
You’ve probably got so used to putting them ahead of you, that you’ve neglected your self-care in the process. Which means you need to find small, achievable ways to re-introduce it back in to your life.
So find your independence outside of the relationship by looking for activities that bring you joy. Like meeting a friend for a coffee, or joining a book club—find something that makes you feel part of a community.
As well as nourishing yourself with the basics like getting enough sleep and exercise. Look for things to boost your self-esteem, so you can become less reliant on your partner.
Maintain perspective
Remember that narcissistic projection reflects the narcissist’s insecurities and their need to protect their fragile ego—it’s not your reality!
So their behaviour isn’t a reflection of your worth or character. And you need to stay grounded in that reality and not let their projections define who you are.
Writing things down can help you keep a grip on your life, because then you can come back to it later when they question you, or say otherwise.
Detach emotionally
Narcissists thrive on attention and emotional reactions, so they need you to react to gauge what their next move is going to be.
But if you keep a promise to yourself, like “I’m not going to take their bait and engage with them”, you’re giving yourself an element of control back.
Because you can’t control them, but you can work on controlling how you behave towards them. So practicing strategies like grey rocking, help you to take steps to emotionally detach from them.
Focus on personal growth
“I never want to deal with that ever again!”
… is the first thought you have when you finally learn what narcissistic abuse is! And the only way to work towards preventing it happening again, is owning what lead you there in the first place.
Because if you can build up your sense of self-worth, you won’t go looking for it in relationships. You won’t let someone determine how you feel about yourself because you’ll be that self assured.
And this isn’t easy work, ladies! I’m still working on it now—6 years on! But I’ve got a damn good grasp of my self-worth now. Enough that I’ve found a healthy and loving long-term relationship, with someone I deserve and who equally deserves me too.
And you’ll get there too. But you have to put in the reps. I’ve taken courses, self-healing programs, I’ve had therapy, gone back to therapy! I’ve had business coaching, I’ve done body healing, I’ve jiu-jtisued, I weight train—I’m constantly working on myself to better myself.
So I’m not going to bullshit you and make it look easy. I’ve only got to where I am today because I’ve invested in myself and my growth. And trust me, if you do that too, it’ll be the best investment you ever make.
Why You Need Support After Dealing with Narcissistic Projection
Narcissistic abuse is a tough ordeal to go through—it’s the most challenging thing I’ve ever had to overcome.
So it’s ok to ask for support, because you fucking need it!!! You’ve survived a mental olympics! And unfortunately, your girlfriends’ support isn’t enough to cut it. If they’ve been through it, sure, they’ll understand what you’re going through. But not to the extent where you’ll be able to safely process all your complex emotions.
And as you know, talking and talking about it, just feeds the virus, rather than eliminating it. Which is why I adopt a somatic approach to coaching.
We work together, with your body, to explore ways you can release the effects of the trauma. Because narcissistic abuse has left its marks on not just your brain, but your body too.
So you need to tackle it from both ends: therapy for your mind, and somatic coaching for your body. And that’s the only way I’ve learnt to speed up healing. There are no other short cuts, my friend!
So if you’re ready to take that next step and invest in your personal development, then hit me up here first. And I’ll be in touch!
The sooner you start the work to heal, the closer you’ll get back to who you were before the relationship—only a better and stronger version than before, you’ll see 😉