Have you ever questioned, can a narcissist love?
Or even wondered if they actually love you?
Because if you’ve had a relationship with a narcissist (or you’re with one now), you’ve probably realised something feels off.
Here’s why…
A narcissist sees love as transactional, a ‘what’s in it for me’ kinda love.
Like: do you make them look good? Are you exciting enough to keep them interested? And do you admire them and constantly validate their ego?
So it’s a love with strings attached. And a love that leaves you feeling empty and confused.
Not the twin flames version you have in mind.
So if you’ve got questions like ‘can a narcissist love you longterm?’ Then below is your Q&A for everything you wanted to know about being in love with a narcissist.
*Spoiler alert* – there’s no happy ending with a narc. And you’ll understand why as you read on…
Can a narcissist love in the same way as someone who’s not narcissistic?
For a narcissist, love’s more about getting their own needs and desires met, rather than fostering an emotional connection.
So love for them is about what they get from you and what you do for them. And how that makes them feel, rather than something they feel towards you.
Relationships supply them with what they need. Because they get validation and admiration through your looks, your wealth, your status, or your time.
So people are like commodities for them —you only exist to serve them.
Whereas real love is a balanced partnership between two people and you know where you stand with each other. Love isn’t used as a tool to get what you want.
The hard thing about falling in love with a narcissist – especially at the beginning – is believing you both want the same thing.
But the difference is ‘you’re in love and they’re in power’ (Dr Ramani Durvasula).
Can a narcissist love you genuinely, or is it always manipulation?
A narcissist will tell you they love you, because they genuinely think they do. But they see it as more of a tool to get the things they need to serve themselves.
Which means their capacity to love genuinely is hindered by their selfish needs. They’re too focused on themselves and their need for control to maintain a balanced relationship.
But the tricky thing with narcissists, is they know what love’s supposed to like. So they can seem like the most loving and caring person. But they only act that way to fulfil their own needs.
Which is of course manipulative. It’s saying love’s conditional and you’ll only receive it if you do what they want.
So, they’re essentially training you to love them the way they want to be loved. And when you don’t do it their way, that’s when you’ll start to see signs of their behaviour changing.
Genuine love requires empathy, selflessness, and a willingness to support and understand a partner’s needs and feelings. And narcissists struggle with all those things because of their deep-rooted need for validation and their sheer lack of empathy.
So while they believe they’re capable of love, their relationships lack the depth and reciprocity of true, genuine love.
Can a narcissist love you longterm?
Narcissistic people are always on the lookout for new and exciting experiences. Which is why they tend to get bored in relationships.
They’re great for short term romances. But anything thing past a few months and they’ll be quick to lose interest.
So they like the thrill of meeting someone new and living in the honeymoon phase. And as soon as they’ve locked you down, that’s when they get bored.
Because for them, the fun parts over now – they’ve got you and don’t need to work for it anymore.
It’s like hearing a new song and loving it so much you just have to listen to it all the time. But after a while, it feels same-y and you get bored of it. So you need something new again.
And new for narcissists looks like holidays, time with friends, hobbies. But it can also mean new lovers too.
So their ‘love’ lacks the depth and selflessness for it to last long. Because as soon as things reach a domesticated level – and you’re discussing whose turn it is to do the laundry – then they don’t wanna know.
How can you love a narcissist to make it work long-term?
To make a relationship last with a narcissist, you have to sacrifice yourself. In other words, you need to focus entirely on their needs without expecting anything back.
But you also need to be accepting that because of who they are, they’ll always put their needs first. Even if it means they have to manipulate, cheat, steal, lie, minimise or badmouth you to get what they want (Kim Saeed).
And despite all that, you could invest everything you’ve got and years of your life with no guarantee they’ll stay with you.
So really, the question becomes more about you. And how much you’re prepared to give up to make it work with a narcissist.
Because being with a narcissist means tolerating abuse as well as the knock on effects it causes. Like anxiety, rumination, helplessness, regret and loss of trust. And that’s just the mental impact.
It can also lead to physical problems too, like chronic pain, sleep and gut problems. So you’re not exactly signing up for a healthy relationship, more a wealth of issues instead.
Can a narcissist love me enough to change?
No. Period.
Let me explain…
Narcissists are incapable of change —especially diagnosed ones. They’ve got a disorder which means it disrupts their ability to be able to change.
But of course, narcissism exists on a spectrum, so the extent to which they harm others can vary too.
And so when you think of narcissism, try and view it as more of a personality style (Dr Ramani Durvasula), with some being more narcissistic than others.
The main issue with personalities is that they’re not easy to change. Like if I think of myself and how anxious I am, I’ve been working on reducing that for YEARS.
And yes, I’ve got better. But I’m still very much a worrier! Maybe to a lesser degree, but it still exists within me. And that’s with me having the awareness I need to do something about it. As well as making the effort to change.
Narcissists on the other hand, won’t change, they’re very rigid and set in their ways. But they’re also not even aware they need to because they don’t self-reflect, like you and I would.
So they’re not blowing up at people and regretting it later. Because they don’t overthink their actions and judge themselves – they make others the problem instead.
Like ‘I wasn’t aggressive, they’re just overly sensitive and dramatic’.
Narcissists also don’t care enough about other people. To them we’re just sources of supply who help them feel better about themselves. And because they’re very insecure, they heavily rely on our validation to lift them up.
So it’s not about them loving you enough to want to change, it’s more that they can’t.
Can a narcissist love if they seek therapy and work on themselves?
I’m going to reference Lee Hammock (@mentalhealness) here, who’s a self-aware diagnosed narcissist, and who’s also been in therapy for over six years now.
And despite all his effort and therapeutic support, he shows no signs of change. He even tells people to not take hope from his channel!
He is however, aware of his bad traits, he’s just not able to stop them. Because the moment he feels any tension or pressure, he reverts straight back to his ways.
He’s also still with his longterm wife. But I’ve never heard her talk about her experiences in the relationship. He’s at least making the effort to manage his disorder, but it’s hard to comment on his wife’s happiness.
All I can say is, if you’ve been with someone for many years and see no signs of improvement. As well as no attempts to get help, that’s proof enough they’re not making any effort to better the relationship.
So it’s more down to whether the relationship is sustainable for your mental health to survive it.
Accept instead of hoping for change
Hoping they’ll change is keeping you stuck because you’re living in a fantasy. Your mind is focused on wishful thinking, ‘things’ll get better someday’.
While you’re investing so much energy into hoping they’ll change, you’re actually losing the ability to change yourself.
Because you’re holding out for a future that doesn’t exist with this person. And that takes up a lot of mental real estate.
When what you could be doing is working on acceptance, instead of living in service of them (Dr Ramani Durvasula).
So that means looking at how you begin to accept that they’re not going to change. Seeing their patterns of behaviour and proving to yourself that your relationship’s unhealthy.
Because if you can accept your relationship for what it is, that they’ll never change. That they’ll just keep repeating their bad behaviour over and over again.
And you can see that there’s no possibility of things being different, then there’s nothing there to keep you, right?
Of course, accepting that isn’t easy! But you can get there by continually showing proof to yourself that they’re not changing.
Document what’s happening
Make the signs visible so you can see what’s going on in your relationship.
So write it down, journal your thoughts and make the links to the abuse cycle on paper. Because the more proof you see, the harder it’ll be for you to deny the truth.
And overtime you’ll have a list which’ll make it more real. And the more details you have, the better you’ll get at dismantling their abuse.
Because for example, if you think they’ll change and you document that hope, that belief, and they carry on disappointing you.
When you come back to it later, and you see the evidence of things turning sour, you’re helping to break down your hope too.
And when there’s no hope left, there’s nothing fuelling the relationship to work anymore.
Can a narcissist love in a way that feels real to their partner?
They sure can, but it’s likely to be love bombing instead. Which means it won’t last.
Narcissists are great in the beginning:
Charming? ✔️Tick
Attentive? ✔️ Tick
Make you feel special? ✔️ Tick
Like you’ve met your soulmate? ✔️ Tick
But anything after a few weeks to maybe a few months (if you’re lucky), you’ll start to see their mask slip.
So it’s really a case of spending enough time together to truly understand their intentions.
And it’s usually when you’ve settled into a relationship with them – when you’re completely invested – that they’ll change their behaviour.
Because now they’ve got you and it’s harder for you to part ways. So what feels real to you, is actually supply for them.
Can a narcissist love or is it love bombing?
The problem with love and love bombing is they can look the same in the beginning. But the intent behind them is different. And again, it’s only with time you’ll notice the difference.
Love bombing is an explosion of affection, adoration and an excessive amount of attention. It’s the kind of love that feels both exhilarating and too good to be true – because it is.
But it’s actually a manufactured connection, crafted by the narcissist’s projected fantasy. So they can lure you into a relationship with them as quickly as possible.
Which is why it can feel rushed and like it’s moving at an uncomfortable pace. But because it feels so good, you tend to brush past any signs of red flags.
You’d rather hold onto the connection because it feels like you’ve met your dream match.
But once you’re hooked, the narcissist starts to reveal their true self. And the initial admiration is replaced with manipulation and control, so they can fulfil their selfish needs.
But because the abuse is so gradual and subtle, it can take a while to pick up on the patterns.
And before you know it, you’re conditioned to their cycle, hoping for their love bombing to return. But you’re now also entirely dependent on their approval and validation.
Further reading:
If you’re interested in learning the key differences between love bombing vs genuine interest, read this blog here.
Can a narcissist love or is it trauma bonding?
Honestly, it’s more about trauma bonding than real love. Because of how narcissists run the relationship, you get attached by their intermittent reinforcement.
In other words…
Because the relationship isn’t bad all the time – and can actually feel pretty amazing at times – you spend a lot of the relationship waiting for things to come.
So it feels like an on and off again relationship with the promise of things’ll get better. Like they’ll change, or you’ll go away on holiday together.
Again, it’s to do with the flow of the cycle: the good, then the bad, then the real ugly stuff. Followed up with the good again, and so on and so forth.
So it creates a lot of hope and drives you to keep making the relationship work. But it also creates a lot of fear. Like the worry that if you leave, all your hard work will go to waste and someone else will get the prize.
But there’s never a reward with narcissists. Because newsflash —they don’t change.
Their “love” is just a way to get you to hang on. The intense highs and lows only mess with your emotions and make you reliant on them.
It’s more about control and manipulation than genuine, healthy love. So, what you’re feeling is likely a result of this toxic cycle, not true love.
If a narcissist can love, then it won’t feel:
- Fast and uncomfortable
- Like you’re the only one compromising
- Too much, like it’s really intense
- (Or) not enough, like you’re always waiting to hear from them
- Confusing and controlling
- Like you’re not wanted
- Inconsistent and unbalanced
- Dishonest and unreliable.
Can a narcissist fall in love again after they discard you?
The hard thing about narcissistic relationships is how quickly they move on after. And also how much they parade their new partner and happiness EVERYWHERE!
This is why you need to block them; nobody wants that rubbed in their face!
But don’t buy into their lies. Because they’re just in a new cycle starting their love bombing phase. So of course, it’s going to look perfect from the outside.
But narcissists don’t suddenly change; they’re still the same self-absorbed person, looking to get their needs met.
So they’re not building a healthy and loving relationship. And rather, manipulating someone new that’s unaware of who they really are yet.
They’ll never feel bad or guilty for their abusive behaviour. Which also means they’ll never get to a point where they “get it” and empathise with your feelings.
So for that reason – despite what you might think – they won’t be happier with their new partner. Although they’ll certainly make it look like they’re living their best life (Kim Saeed).
Their new partner is just confirmation of how shallow their feelings are. And soon enough, the cycle will repeat, the initial charm will wear off, and the narcissist will show their true colours.
And unfortunately, their new partner will be left to deal with the same emotional abuse you experienced.
So, can a narcissist love you the way you want to be loved?
No, they can only love to their capacity. So a love that doesn’t respect you, isn’t equal and is all about them.
And even if it feels like love at times, it’ll never be enough to outweigh the trauma they cause you.
Ultimately this blog may be a wake up call for you to learn to love yourself better. Because the more you know yourself and your needs, the higher your standards will be.
And the less chance you’ll let another person treat you badly again. Because the second you feel unwanted, you’ll know you deserve better.
You see…
One of the reasons you want to go back to your narcissist is your lack of self worth. And you believe that if they take you back, it’ll somehow prove that you’re worthy again.
But the only person you need to prove you’re worthy to is yourself.
So don’t chase someone who doesn’t want to be with you. And instead, work on fixing the parts of you that need someone else’s approval.