What’s Future Faking?
Future faking is when your partner makes grand promises. But never actually follows through on them.
It’s manipulative because they’re creating a vision of a perfect future. Whilst also enticing you to hold out for it.
But they won’t ever intend on making it actually happen.
They’re more tricking you with hope. Hoping you’ll wait for the future they’ve described. And hoping you’ll use that as incentive to put up with their bad behaviour in the meantime!
So it’s things like you’re partner suggesting:
“I’m going to take you to this gorgeous cottage, by the beach, you’ll love it. We’ll go next month”.
And then when next month rolls around, it never actually happens. Probably doesn’t even get a mention again.
Because you’re such a good person, you believe people are generally honest. So when someone’s promising you the goods, you don’t doubt them; you take their word for it.
I do that too.
So because we’re natural believers (some call it gullible), we trust people until they give us a reason not to.
So what you and I need to look out for, is how often their future faking words, don’t follow through with their actions!
But I’ll tell you more on that later.
Let’s first look at it’s link to love bombing.
Future Faking and Love Bombing
Future faking – also known as “the soul mate effect” – is closely linked with love bombing (idealisation) in the narcissistic abuse cycle.
It’s when the narcissist promises something they know you want, to get what they want now:
So they’re kinda just telling you whatever you want to hear to get you into a relationship with them. They’re basically mirroring your ideal partner you’ve been waiting for.
So they’ll be encouraging those deep and meaningful chats that get you to reveal the future you want. After all, that gives them the blueprint for what to say to win you over. So while you’re meaning your every word, they’ll just be faking in agreement. They’ll be creating your fantasy future based off of your remarks.
And that’s why it’s so easy to get swept up in it all. You don’t notice that you’re attaching yourself to a fake future. You’re enjoying the chemistry and rarity of meeting such a compatible partner. So you’re not thinking that they’re lying to you – you’re excited. And it’s easy to get carried away with excitement when things move fast.
Speed doesn’t give you time to process. It doesn’t stop and it keeps moving forward so you don’t notice the signs along the way.
Future faking as a tool for distraction
Imagine your partner’s come home late. They didn’t call or message. And they missed the spag bol you served over 2 hours ago.
You’d be a little bit mad, right?
Well, if they turned to you and said they’d make it up to you. They’d take you out for a slap up meal at the Dolce Vita, spoil you rotten. You’d be a little less mad.
And the cold spag bol on the side? It wouldn’t matter any more, it’s leftovers for tomorrow. Perfect.
And the culprit who walked in late? Well they’ve charmed your socks off now. So it’s no biggie anymore!
But that’s because they’ve distracted you with the art of future faking! They’ve diverted your focus away from their poor time management. You’re now thinking about the Dolce Vita menu. The outfit you’ll wear, the dessert you’ll pick – the generosity of them!
And meanwhile, they’re bad behaviour gets swept under the rug again, it’s no longer a concern.
So you’ve got to pay attention to what happens before they engage in future talk. Pick up on the clues that reveal what’s happening.
Narcissistic Mirroring
Narcissists lack a sense of self, so they have to fake intimacy to try and connect with you.
Watch how they observe you, learn about your likes, dislikes, dreams and then mimic them back to you. They’re trying to become the person you want them to be by mirroring your desires.
Imagine you love running; they’ll be lacing up their trainers to join you.
You decide to go meat-free; poof, they’re suddenly vegan.
Dreaming of a big family? They want that too.
They do this because they can’t regulate their own self-esteem. So they rely heavily on what others think about them.
By mirroring your ideal partner, they want to create the sense that you’ve just met the best damn thing that ever happened to you. So when someone ticks all your boxes, it’s easy for you to gush over them! And that right there is exactly what they’re looking for: someone to inflate their ego.
When Does Future Faking Happen?
Future faking usually happens when they’re love bombing you (or hoovering you back in). They’re looking to snap you up and make you theirs as quickly as possible.
And it’ll start out with small things, like promising to take you on a fancy date or away for the weekend.
Then as the relationship progresses, the promises’ll get bigger. So that’s when they’ll vamp it up a bit. Like suggesting buying a house, or getting engaged, or starting a family. But remember, they’ll only suggest things they know you’ve mentioned. Because that’s the appeal for you – you’re futures are in line with each others.
So they’ll say whatever they need to get you committed to them. But they’ll have no intention to make their promises come true.
It’s all fake, fake, fake!
You’ll also see future faking used as a hoovering tactic. They know just what to say to reel you back in again. So it’ll follow when you’ve felt like you’ve had enough and want to leave the relationship.
It’s like crying wolf. Where they’ll spin this elaborate tale of change and improvement. They’ll promise to work on themselves, to be better, to give you everything you’ve ever wanted. And it’s so convincing! You’ll be hopeful that maybe, just maybe, this time things’ll be different
But alas, it’s just another ploy to get you to stay! Because once they’ve pulled you back in, the old patterns resurface. And you’re left feeling deceived and hurt again. It’s a vicious cycle that’ll keep going if you don’t notice it.
How Does Future Faking Feel?
Let’s be honest, when you think you’ve met the one, it feels pretty fantastic!
And that’s the thing with narcissists – they can paint the perfect picture when you first meet them. You’re none the wiser. And head over heels in love with the fantasy they’re selling you.
But that’s what it is – a mere fantasy. And you can test that out with time.
What I mean is, you won’t know right in the beginning whether they’re a narcissist or not. But in time, they do leave clues.
So it’s noticing things like the pace of the relationship and how quickly they rush intimacy with you. Because when things move fast, you don’t pick up on the red flags, they just pass you by instead.
And with future faking, they’re using it as a means to get you excited about things to come. So you’re busy paying attention to the future more than anything. And when that happens, it’s your job to pick up on what they’re saying versus what they’re actually doing.
So you need to slow it down and move at a comfortable pace. Because then you’ll have a chance to catch your breath and really see what’s going on. And I know that’s hard when you like someone – especially because we’re not taught to pick apart good behaviour!
Spot the cycle at work
But you need to notice the different stages of the cycle. Because if that’s what your relationship’s becoming, you need to see the transition happen. It’ll go from honeymoon to gradual devaluing. And that’s your sign to get out.
The minute you notice a bit of friction – like they’re annoyed at you for wanting a night with your friends – that’s the stuff you’re looking out for. Any sign of them treating you differently when you don’t do what they want.
Because for them, once they know they “have you” i.e. you’re in a relationship with them, then they’ll begin their control. So they’ll be trying to isolate you, ignore your texts, belittle you – anything to put you down. They’re gradually trying to cut you off from your network and make you reliant on them.
So look for feelings of euphoria that slowly lessen once you’re in a relationship with them.
What to Expect Future Faking to Feel Like
You’ll feel like you’ve found someone special, a keeper. And it’ll be unlike any other connection you’ve ever had. It’s because of those strong feelings, you take it as a sign that they’re “the one” for you. Because it feels so magnetic, instant and effortless, you don’t doubt their intentions.
My ex would always tell me how perfect we were for each other. She’d highlight how rare and lucky our connection was. And I believed it, even though we hadn’t been together very long.
It was a whirlwind romance – like they all are. We went from first dates, to quickly spending every night together – and that was within weeks of dating. I felt like she was the best thing to have ever happened to me.
Looking back, there were moments where I thought things were a little off. But it was easy to ignore when everything just passed me by so quickly.
But here’s the big lesson I learnt:
Her future ideals never matched her actions.
So she’d have casual hook ups, but say she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. But her cheating and then reeling me in again, didn’t exactly reflect what she said she wanted.
It took me a while to grasp that her words were just empty without genuine intention to follow through. So if I can give you any advice, it’s to spot the difference between what they’re telling you versus what they’re actually doing to you.
What Does Future Faking Sound Like?
Future faking in romantic relationships:
Everyone puts their best foot forward when meeting someone new. So it’s hard to tell whether someones being genuine with you or future faking. But here’s the thing:
The level of commitment should match how long you’ve actually been together for.
For instance, if you’re dating someone who’s dropping hints about marriage very early on – that could be a warning sign. It’s showing signs of speeding the relationship up by getting you committed for the long haul.
You might also catch them saying these things too:
- “I’ve never met anyone like you”.
- “We’re soulmates”.
- “You’re the most perfect person I’ve ever met”!
- “I want to marry you”.
- “I want to have babies with you”.
- “Let’s buy a house together”.
Future faking in the workplace:
Bosses, or people in higher power, can also future fake. But it’s more work related, like promising you a promotion in a few months, or if you complete a task. So they’ll keep dangling a carrot to get you to do stuff, but they’ll keep moving the goalpost every time you reach it. So nothing ever comes of it, they’re just getting you to work harder by making you think you’ll get something out of it.
Narcissists have to make you believe that things’ll get better. Otherwise, you wouldn’t stick around. So watch for the opportunities they offer you and whether they actually give them to you.
Future faking in famillies:
Family dynamics can be complicated – especially if you’ve got narcissistic parents, grandparents or siblings.
They might future fake financial security or emotional support. But only if you agree to what they want. Again, it’s encouraging you to do things for them, in the hope they’ll give you what they promised.
So you’ve just got to be weary of their intentions matching their actions. Cos they could just be using you for supply.
How to Recognise Future Faking?
Slow down – don’t let them sweep you up
Make sure your relationship moves at a pace you’re comfortable with. So don’t feel pressured to do things if you think it’s too soon. And don’t agree to anything you’re not happy with.
Stay grounded and don’t put your relationship on a pedestal. What I mean by that is, falling in love isn’t always magical – despite what the romcoms are saying. Healthy love tends to be a slow burner. It gradually builds and feels safe for both partners. So there’s mutual respect and communication – something narcissistic relationships lack!
Don’t get me wrong, I know how easy it is to get swept up in it all when you really fancy someone. But if it’s genuine, they’ll stick around. And if you ask to slow it down and you’re met with resistance – then you’ve probably dodged a BIG bullet.
Trust actions, not words
I don’t know how many times i’ve already sprinkled this rule in. But it’s that important, it’s got it’s own little heading now!
So if they’re promising you something, take note and see if they follow through with it. You could even journal about your new relationships. It’s a great way for you to look back on things if you’re working on trusting yourself again. Because a partner might be telling you what you want to hear. And if you have a record of it, you’ll know if they’re not following through. You’ll be able to validate any concerns you have.
So the next time they’re making plans to take a trip with you, write down how excited you are about it. And when the time comes, see if it happens. You’ll soon tell if they were just chatting shit!
Hold them accountable
Don’t let it slide if they’re not following through on their promises – call them out on it. Occasionally, things will pop up and prevent plans from happening. But if you notice it happening all the time, question them.
Next time they cancel taking you away, or on a date, ask to see the booking they had. Depending on how they react could reveal a lot. If they’re angry and accuse you of not trusting them, this could be a deflection. They could be trying to avoid you getting the truth out of them. And if they’re lying, that won’t look good for them. So a big reaction kinda indicates a big red flag!
Equally, if they show you the booking without a fuss, then you know their words hold meaning. If someone can give you an apology that’s in the form of changed behaviour, you’ll know they’re genuine. So don’t be afraid to pry a bit deeper, it can give you a lot of answers.
Trust your gut
When it comes to relationships, you’re the one in control of your comfort zone. So it’s on you to make sure your needs are met. And you shouldn’t be bending over backwards to please someone else. Your happiness matters too and it’s just as important as your partners.
If something feels off, it’s your instincts trying to warn you about it. And you need to tune into what it’s trying to tell you. Lean into the discomfort and see where it’s coming from. Give it space to breathe and let it come to the surface.
It’s better to do that, than to do what I did and ignore it. Had I dug a little deeper, I might’ve spared myself years of heartache and mistreatment. Learn from my mistakes and don’t ignore your gut; let it guide you instead.
Confide in someone you trust
Think there might be something wrong? Then open up to someone you can trust. It’s easier to see what’s going on in a relationship when you have an outside perspective. When you’re not clouded by love, you can see things as they are.
And your loved ones are the ones who know you the best. They also want the best for you. So if you have someone who’ll tell you the truth and not what you just want to hear – open up to them about your doubts.
Tell them why you feel uncomfortable. Let them know what’s going on because they’ll want to help you. Narcissistic abuse is complex and not everyone’s experienced to comment on it. But if you have the language to communicate what you thinks happening, they can help support you with it.
If you feel safe to, it’s also ok to say to your partner that you’re uncomfortable with the pace of things. How they react to you will tell you a lot. If its calm, that’s a good sign. But if they have a massive overreaction, it kinda indicates a deeper problem! So tread carefully, and don’t be afraid to assert your boundaries.
Final Thoughts on Future Faking
Future faking won’t be easy to gauge. And it’ll be hard to tell whether your connection is genuine or fake – especially in the beginning.
It’s not to say that you won’t meet someone new and have an instant connection; that’s also possible. So what you need to pay attention to is how frequent the behaviours happen. Whether they’re problematic or not, will only be clear if it’s consistent.
So make sure you’re aware of the red flags. If they make future promises, it doesn’t automatically mean they’re fake. Only time will reveal that. So do what you need to do to help spot their lies. Write down their promises and wait for them to come true. And if they don’t, don’t be afraid to follow your intuition and hold them accountable.
Any resistance, like gaslighting, aggression or silent treatment, are all signs of narcissism. So pay attention to their reactions as well.
It’s not easy, but if you take it slow, you’ll have time to think clearly.
What to do if you think you’re being future faked:
✅ Pry for some solid details, like can you see the trip they’ve planned.
✅ Ask them to involve you in the planning, or see if they want help arranging things.
✅ Keep note of how often they make excuses or try to twist the truth.
✅ Fact check anything you don’t believe.
✅ Be open with the future faker if you’re uncomfortable with something.
✅ If you’re worried they’re a narcissist, consider leaving the relationship.
Do you think you’ve experienced future faking or narcissistic abuse?
What signs did you notice? Comment below so we can all help each other learn from them 👯♀️
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