9 Hard Truths You Need To Know Before Healing From A Narcissist

I can’t think of any worse pain than the heartbreak of healing from a narcissist. It’s a very isolating trauma that isn’t fixed by a night of gossip and red wine with the girlies!

You’re in such an emotional state that you think you’re having an actual nervous breakdown. And with that comes the complete and utter abandonment of yourself. 

You’ve stopped looking after yourself.

You haven’t seen your friends in ages.

And you’ve not had a sensible meal in days – just the odd ciggy here and there. (Whilst you silently contemplate how many you’d need to smoke to get cancer 🤔)!

And truth be told, at this point, you wouldn’t even care if you did. Because it would be a far bigger distraction than the aching pain you feel in your heart right now.

And if one more person tells you that ‘there’s plenty more fish in the sea’. You swear you’ll smack ‘em in the face!

Sound familiar?

I can tell you firsthand that healing from a narcissist isn’t your typical breakup scenario. It’s a whole different ball game—one that requires more than a bubble bath and scented candles to fix.

You need to prepare yourself mentally for what’s in store. 

And that’s what this blog is all about, it’s hitting you with the unfiltered truth from someone who’s lived it. The stuff I wished someone had told me when I was curled up on the sofa in the foetal position!

And don’t worry, I’m not going to tell you to go for a run – you can dive into these truths without leaving your bed!

Brace yourself though, because this first ones a biggie…

1️⃣ Accept they don’t want you

I’m going to make a big assumption here and assume you’ve been discarded. And what that tells me is they don’t want to be with you anymore. 

It’s a harsh truth, but you need to let that sink in and hit you where it hurts. Because that painful reality helps you realise you’re pining after someone who doesn’t want you.

It’s like what @juwontrepreneur says:

‘Imagine being bitten by a snake and instead of trying to help yourself heal and recover from the poison, you’re trying to catch the snake to find out the reason it bit you and prove to it that you didn’t deserve that’.

And that says more about you than it does them. It’s showing that your ex narcissist determines how you feel about yourself. And you think if they want you back again, then you’ll get your self worth back too.

And that’s part of the reason why you’re struggling to let go of them:

You think they’ll fix your negative feelings about yourself.

But they can’t do that, only you can.

And I know none of this is your fault; it’s their abuse that’s lead you here. And I’m so, so sorry that you’re feeling shit about yourself because of them. But let that pain be the catalyst to reclaim your self worth.

Try and understand it, and how you got here. Because it’ll help you to stop blaming yourself. Read about the narcissistic abuse cycle and trauma bonding and start making sense of your experiences. 

Because once you’ve made the links, you can work towards accepting what happened to you.

2️⃣ Your needs are more important than theirs

I think you know you have to cut yourself off from them, but you’re not ready to do it yet. You’d rather be back in the arms of your damaging lover, despite the insanity they’ve driven you to.

I get it, I’ve been in the exact same position as you. And the light bulb moment for me, was realising that my wellbeing was far more important than the need to get back with him.

Which brings me to my next point: stop thinking you’re meant to be with them. 

Tell yourself the truth

It’s not helpful to lie to yourself because you’re ignoring the reality of your situation. You’re idealising who you thought they were instead.

And when it comes to healing from a narcissist, you can’t ignore the facts of who they really are. Because that’s your whole reason why you need to separate from them.

So you need to admit their mistreatment of you, until your brain associates your ex to pain, and not just pleasure. Because once it gets enough of those signs, then you can begin to detach from them (Dr. Vanessa Abernathy).

Make a list ✍️

Write down every rotten thing they did to you. And couple it with how they made you feel as well. These are your reminders when you find yourself missing them.

Because as time passes by, and you start healing, you begin to lose connection to the pain you once felt. And you almost begin glamorising them again because your brain tries to forget those painful memories.

But missing them isn’t a sign to go back to them

It’s very normal to miss toxic partners because they weren’t bad all the time. You miss them because they were a big part of your life.

And feeling that emptiness inside, is a reminder that it’s all gone: the love, the memories, the inside jokes.

But just because you miss them, it doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to go back to them. It’s just your brain trying to soothe you.

And you need to remember that because the bad stuff still happened too.

So you need to fight those feelings and keep pushing forward with your healing.

You’re the most important person in your life. And focusing on your relationship with yourself is a far better investment, than trying to make a relationship work with them. So look after you instead.

3️⃣ Don’t date too soon after your breakup

This is something I broke and instantly regretted after I did! I was totally not ready for the very forward date I went on. But I desperately needed to feel wanted again.

And that was my problem:

My self esteem rested entirely on another person.

And I had to be the one in charge of that.

So ignore the saying ‘the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else’! Because when you’re healing from a narcissist, standards are not so easy to reestablish.

Boundaries first, dating second

You need to do the work and learn what healthy love looks like first. So you don’t fall back into old patterns and more chaos again.

Don’t make the same mistake I did and think that dating will help speed up getting over them – it doesn’t. In fact it just leaves you more vulnerable to dating another toxic person.

Because when you lack self worth, your standards are lower too. And you’re more willing to accept bad behaviour. As anything feels better than the discomfort of loneliness.

Which is why it’s so important to set your standards and figure out your boundaries first, before you enter a new relationship. You need those things to make you feel confident when faced with uncomfortable situations. And building all that back up takes time.

So don’t rush to meet someone new when you’re in the throes of it all. Because it won’t immediately stop your feelings for your ex, it’ll just prolong them.

Love is’t only romantic

Whilst you’re repairing your heart, look for love in other places instead. Like in your friendships, family, other areas of your life – or even from yourself.

Love doesn’t only exist in romantic settings. Some of my greatest loves have been my best friends. And I’d be lost without them.

During the darkest time in my life, I took a holiday with my best friend. And she loved me through it all: the tears, the chain-smoking and all the nonstop obsessing!

And I’ll never forget her reassuring words she said to me:

“I promise you’ll find things to smile about everyday”.

And I did, I laughed everyday, thanks to her love and support.

Your friends can give you that softness you crave; partners aren’t your only soulmates.

4️⃣ You’ll lose friends

Nobody prepares you for the bleak reality of having to cut ties with friends who are still around your toxic ex.

And it’s brutal. I still think about those losses almost five years later.

But the truth is, when you’re healing from a narcissist, you can’t afford reminders of your old life around you anymore.

It’s like when someone recovering from addiction has to stop hanging out with friends who still use. They can’t stay on the path to recovery if they’re constantly surrounded by what they’re trying to leave behind.

And so, when they get out of rehab, they have to find friends who are separate to their old lifestyle. 

But nobody gets why you need to do the same when breaking free from a narcissist.

Sometimes it’s easier to walk away

I even lost a friend of ten years. I just found it too hard to keep her in my life because she was dating my ex’s best friend. 

And I didn’t go about it the best way.

But you’re so drained from explaining yourself and justifying your pain, that it feels easier to just stop it all together. 

So I distanced myself from everyone still linked to my ex. And from the outside – when you don’t understand the complexities of narcissistic abuse – this choice might seem drastic and harsh.

But it’s not. It’s to protect yourself from further harm. 

It’s validating when you hear stories from others who had to do the same. Like my friend who had to cut ties with her work friends because they reminded her too much of that traumatic period in her life.

And of course you feel guilty and you never want to hurt anyone. But by keeping those friendships, you end up hurting yourself more.

5️⃣ Get comfortable being alone

You need time to find out who you are again. And being alone, can help you figure that out.

At first it’s going to feel terrifying and tragic. Then you’ll feel grief and sadness. But your discomfort will start to shift a little. And then you’ll feel more liberated and finally, you’ll feel happy again.

Healing from a narcissist is a process and nobody can tell you how long it’ll take – that’s the hard part. But eventually, you’ll find yourself moving on. And you’ll remember you were a whole person before you met your ex.

You’ve experienced something that’s weakened you. But in time you’ll harden again, and you’ll reap back strength within you that you didn’t even know you had. You’ll lose your cocoon and breakout into a big, fabulous butterfly 🦋!

And you do that by falling back in love with yourself. You figure out your likes and dislikes, how you enjoy to spend your free time. What your favourite music is without their influence and where you like to take yourself out to.

Find out everything and get comfortable being alone – it’s the single greatest thing you can do for yourself. Because when you’re confident and at peace in your own company, you won’t feel scared to be alone.

6️⃣ You’ll feel angry 😡

It’s part of the process and one of the stages of grief. So you need to let it out. And it’s ok to be angry; that asshole disrespected you in a big way. 

It’s a lot easier to hate someone and get over them. Because the moment my love turned into hate, I didn’t want to be anywhere near my ex. I was angry now. Angry at the betrayal, angry at the time I wasted on him. And angry for how much he hurt me.

So your anger can be fuel for change; it can stop you from going back to them. Because why would you want to be with someone who’s made you feel this resentful? 

You just need to find a healthy way to release it. A Maori healer once told me to go out to the lake and scream into the water. He said I needed to release the tension that I was holding in my neck (which is probably the reason why I also had neck pain).

But at the risk of looking like a madwoman, I opted to do jiu jitsu instead! Although, I won’t forget his methods in times of need because I do think a good scream could help!

So find your thing that helps you release anger – and let me know if you try the above!

7️⃣ Blocking 🚫 your ex is a must

You need to block them because let’s face it, you probably cant stop looking at their profile. Or, you’re secretly hoping they’ll look at yours and get back in touch. Either way, it’s unhealthy to leave that door open.

So blocking is like your protective shield. It’s to help safeguard your heart and sanity.

Because I promise you, there’s nothing you’ll see on their profiles that’ll make you feel any better. So you need to practice self-restraint to help you move on from them.

And by blocking them, you’re closing that door. You’re sending a clear message that you want to be left alone. Whether they obey that or not, you can’t control. But you can at least try to put in measures that stop you from being tempted.

8️⃣ You have to forgive yourself

It’s almost ingrained in you to believe the breakup was your fault. Not only has your narcissist been blaming you for all the problems in your relationship. But you’ve also got people asking you ‘why didn’t you just leave?’. 

So it’s no wonder you feel like everything’s your fault. And it’s why you need to forgive yourself first and not worry about forgiving them. It’s your way of saying, ‘you don’t hold power over me anymore’.

So your forgiveness might look like accepting the relationship for what it was. And choosing to move on with your life. You’re letting go of your emotions that are keeping you stuck there, rather than excusing their behaviour.

You don’t owe forgiveness to someone who’s repeatedly violated your trust, your sense of who you are and your reality. But you do owe it to yourself. 

9️⃣ You’ll never be the same person again

When you’re healing from a narcissist, it’s very likely you’ll say these words:

‘I just want to be me again’.

You want to go back to normal, back to how you were before you met them.

But the truth is: 

This experience will change you forever. And you won’t be that same person again.

Because when you’re recovering from narcissistic abuse, it’s not about going back to who you were. It’s about growing instead.

This experience is life changing and it makes you stronger and wiser. It opens your eyes to the cruelty that can exist in this world and taints your view of love forever. Because you’ll never be so trusting again.

And that’s not a bad thing. You’ll be more selective, you won’t rush things and you’ll be more reserved. And they’re all great boundaries to have.

So yes, you won’t be the same person again; you’ll be an even better version instead. 

Moving forward with your healing from a narcissist

It’s difficult to pull yourself out of a neggy time – especially when you can’t see the end in sight. So in your breaks between crying, try these couple tips below:

Escapism

My go to’s are always Sex and the City, Scrubs and The OC. Maybe it’s the nostalgia of a simpler time in my life. But there’s something comforting about rewatching old shows you used to love.

And comedies like Scrubs, just get you out of your head for a bit. It’s important to find some laughter when you’re feeling melancholic. Even if it’s only a slight distraction, it’s still a fraction of your day that’s not dominated by thoughts of your ex.

Sex and the City (the early seasons) also shows you the lives of four happy and confident single women. And it’s good to be reminded of that in at a time where feeling alone feels daunting.

So find something that hits the spot and gets you out of your head.

Start a gratitude diary

I immediately started one the day after my ex discarded me. And even though all I wanted to write was ‘he ruined my life’, I didn’t let myself! 

So at the end of every day, in the midst of my breakup, I wrote down three things that I was grateful for. And that ranged from having the support of my family, to listening to a relatable podcast.

And even though you’ll be clutching at straws somedays, make yourself do it. Because it’ll eventually become a habit that’ll positively impact your mood. 

I’m going to be honest, it’s pretty hard to feel grateful in a time where you feel like you have nothing left.

(Sorry if you’re not British, you won’t get this meme – but if you do, it’s perfect 😂)!!

So I’m going to borrow the words of Dolly Alderton’s friend to help:

‘No one should have the power to ruin your life by breaking up with you.’

And it’s true. Your happiness shouldn’t be determined by one whole person. Because your life is your own, and it’s full of many parts. And this is just one of them. And it won’t dictate the rest of your life.

So find a practice like a gratitude diary, to help remind you of all the other good you still have. And use it as a means to start telling yourself a different story.

Journal

Journalling helps you to process all your emotions and thoughts. Somehow the act of getting it out of your head and onto paper works. And it’s a powerful way to begin your healing.

There’s no rules, so just give yourself permission to be messy! Start or end your day with it and gain awareness around what you’re dealing with.

Now it’s down to you

The most difficult thing about healing from a narcissist, is the very thing you need to do to get yourself through it, is to care for yourself. And yet, it’s in those times where you completely neglect yourself.

Your ex has made you feel so unworthy of love, that you’ve stopped loving yourself in the process.

And I know you don’t want to feel that way anymore – it’s why you’re searching the internet for answers. So you’re ready to make a change because you know your destructive ways aren’t moving you forward.

The problem is, is that you know healing’s going to take a long time. You’re overwhelmed by how much work you’ve got to do. But the sooner you start, the sooner you can work through it. And realising these truths will help you see why you’ve been struggling so much.

So be compassionate and patient with yourself, you’ve been through a terrible time. And what you’re feeling is completely normal.

But don’t forget you’re not alone in this, there’s plenty of support out there – including me. So read through all the blogs you need, get familiar with narcissistic abuse. And book a session with me here if you’re feeling stuck and want extra guidance.

Further reading: