If you’re weighing up low contact vs no contact, my money’s on your ex being a narcissist!
Why?
Because toxic people thrive on pushing your boundaries—even after your relationship’s over.
So that’s why you’re thinking about these strategies now…
You’ve reached the point of no return…
Where you’ve finally realised this person is causing you more harm than good.
And you want to better protect yourself. Great stuff 👏
You just don’t know which one to choose…
So to help you make that decision, I’m going to explain what they are, their pros and cons and how they differ from one another.
And then you can make the best choice for you.
What Does Low Contact vs No Contact Mean?
You’ve probably heard a lot about going no contact and not so much about low contact. Yet both need to be considered when you’re separating from a narcissist. So choosing between low contact vs no contact, is about deciding which boundary works best for you and your situation.
But that’s not to say you can’t use these boundaries for other narcs, like parents, or family members, or even friends. It’s just my experience lies within the context of a romantic relationship. So that’s how I’ll be writing about it.
What is low contact?
As its name suggests, low contact means limiting your contact with your narcissist. So they’re still in your life, but you decide how often and how deeply you interact with them.
The main principle of it is to keep contact to the bear minimum, so the least amount of communication as possible. For example, you might have a boundary where you only respond to them on the weekends.
When you do engage with the narcissist stick to these rules:
- Keep things light and brief
- Disengaged and not too emotional
- Don’t take the bait and fight back
- No need to over-explain and defend yourself, and
- Try not to take their words personally
Pros and Cons of Low Contact
I always write a pros and cons list when I need to make a big decision because it helps me see things more clearly. And it makes the decision making process feel more manageable and less emotional. So here’s the pros and cons of going low contact:
Pros
✅ Allows communication for practical matters, such as co-parenting.
✅ Lets you create some distance, despite still having them in your life.
✅ Can help you practice setting and enforcing boundaries.
✅ Feels less daunting and final than cutting all contact.
Cons
❌ You have to stay guarded to keep your boundaries in place.
❌ Gives them more of a chance to manipulate or trigger you.
❌ Can slow down the healing process due to continued contact.
❌ You may feel drained by even limited exposure to the narcissist.
What is no contact?
No contact is exactly that—completely removing all traces of them from your life. So zero communication forevs!
We’re talking no calls, no texts, no emails and absolutely no sneaky cyber stalking! And of course, no “accidental bump-ins” at their local cafe, or asking your mates about them.
The rules for no contact are simple, but a lot harder to stick to.
Because cutting someone out of your life permanently, is overwhelming and conflicting. So it can come with a lot more resistance.
If you want a to go no contact with your narcissist, follow these exact steps.
Pros and Cons of No Contact
Just like above, I’ve laid out the pros and cons of no contact too. Because once you see the facts laid out in front of you, you can’t deny them. So this is going to help you narrow it down further and pick the strategy that best aligns with your wellbeing.
Pros
✅ Creates a clean break, allowing you to focus fully on your healing.
✅ Removes chances for manipulation, guilt-tripping, or further abuse.
✅ Helps you regain control over your life and emotional space.
✅ Encourages faster healing and freedom from them.
Cons
❌ Can be difficult to stick to and needs a lot of discipline and commitment.
❌ Not feasible when you have kids.
❌ Triggers feelings of guilt and loss.
❌ Doesn’t stop urges to contact them
Understanding the Similarities Between Low Contact vs No Contact
Let’s start with the ways these boundaries are similar…
Both low contact and no contact are strategies to protect you from further harm when you’re dealing with a narcissist. And they’re intentional and deliberate, because you’re the one putting them into place.
They’re ways to minimise a narcissist’s ability to manipulate, control, or drain your energy by putting the power into your hands. Because you’re the one deciding how they’re allowed to contact you.
They’re firm boundaries that put your mental and physical health first. So you can distance yourself enough to heal without their influence.
Both methods create safety for you, based on your wants and needs.
Understanding the Differences Between Low Contact vs No Contact
As you’ve probably gathered, the key difference between them is the level of interaction you decide to keep with your narcissist.
But they also have different:
– Purposes
Low contact is to minimise conflict while keeping necessary communication; no contact removes their influence entirely.
– Boundaries
Low contact enforces strict, but limited boundaries; no contact enforces complete boundaries.
– Triggers
Low contact risks being triggered by the narcissist; no contact allows a clean break from them.
– Applicability
Low contact is for situations where separation isn’t possible (e.g., co-parenting); no contact is for cases where ties can be completely cut.
– Support needs
Low contact often needs support for managing ongoing interactions; no contact needs support for grief and sticking to it.
– Healing paces
Healing may be slower with low contact due to ongoing exposure; no contact can accelerate recovery.
When to Consider Low Contact
Sometimes you don’t have a choice of low contact vs no contact…
If you share kids with your narcissist, it’s unlikely no contact’s an option for you. (Unless they’re imprisoned you might get away with it)!
So you’re probably looking at reducing your contact with them instead. And like I mentioned before, low contact is about giving them the bare bones.
So this would be keeping your communication to just about the kids. Basically anything thats absolutely necessary to talk to them about, like doctor’s appointments, or school meetings.
Which means…
You don’t need to keep them on your social media.
Remember, you’re trying to streamline the communication between you. So you need to think of ways you’re okay with them contacting you.
Ways to communicate when you’re going low contact
These are some suggestions you could try to help minimise your contact with them. You don’t have to do them all, just pick which one aligns with you the most:
- Only written communication
- Have a separate number, or email just for them
- Put rules in place for yourself, like only answering their calls between certain hours
- Use parenting communication apps, like Talking Parents, and
- Have only one way they can contact you
Low contact with parallel parenting
Parallel parenting is a method of co-parenting, but it’s usually reserved for high conflict situations, like messy divorces. Because traditional co-parenting is a lot harder to manage when you’re with an antagonistic person! And sometimes you need a stricter approach to reduce the chances of conflict between you.
So what parallel parenting suggests is each parent deals with their child(ren) separately and on their terms [OurFamilyWizard]. So you’re not expected to collaborate on your parenting together.
And rather you approach caring for your kids in the best way you see fit. Leaving the responsibilities to the parent who’s in charge at that time.
So you’re not getting involved and communicating on parenting together. The care of your kids is all handled individually, with the least amount of communication possible; often just through written word.
Low contact with co-parenting
Co-parenting is a more lax approach than parallel parenting. You work together and communicate your shared responsibilities. So there’s more input with each other, like making joint decisions [WebMD].
You’re also more aligned on what you want for your children and try to keep things consistent for them in both homes. And you’re not trying to avoid one another at school events!
So this way of parenting requires mutual respect and open communication from both of you.
Why You Need Extra Support With Low Contact
Let’s be honest…
Keeping in contact with your narcissist—even when it’s the bear minimum—is always going to come with its challenges.
They’ll still find ways to push your boundaries, create unnecessary drama, or try to undermine your parenting decisions. Which really tests your capacity to stay calm and model the safe parent your kids need.
That’s why having the right tools and guidance is so important…
Narcissistic trauma recovery program (NTRP)
This CPD-accredited program, offers cutting-edge mind and body healing practices to help you through this transition.
With its bonus masterclass—parenting with a narcissist—you’ll also gain over two hours of expert guidance, directly from Caroline Strawson’s lived experience.
Because at the end of the day, all you want is to protect your kids and to support them.
But it’s not always easy to figure it out on your own.
This self-paced healing program gives you the tools to release your trauma bond. And helps you with the practical stuff too, like the logistics of parenting with a narcissist.
You can’t have mum running on empty, she’s got to look after herself first!
You also get access to a private Facebook community, full of other survivors who get you and will make you feel less alone. And everyone is there, ready to give you support when you need it—Caroline too!
And in case you’re wondering…
“I’m not separated from the narcissist yet. Can I still join the programme?”
YES. One of the most important steps in your healing is understanding WHY you’re with a narcissist (or why you keep finding your way back to them). So this program helps you recognise their behaviour, but also reframe your mindset. So you can start making better, more informed choices for yourself and your kids.
Click here to learn more about the narcissistic trauma recovery program. And take your first step away from rock bottom and towards your stronger, more joyful self.
*A wee disclosure: there are affiliate links on this page. That just means if you click on a link – and follow through with buying it – i’ll make a commission. Don’t worry, you won’t pay any extra and sometimes you might even get a cheeky discount! Click here for more info.
When to Consider No Contact
This option is mainly reserved for those who have no need to stay in contact with their abuser. So if you don’t share kids together, you really need to assess why you would want to keep them in your life.
This decision isn’t made lightly. But it’s the best choice when you’ve got someone who’s harming you. Especially if you’ve already tried low contact and gotten nowhere with it.
So if they’re still managing to affect you—like your mood is either enhanced, or ruined by what they do on a daily basis—then their influence is making it impossible for you to move forward.
The most effective way to stop the narcissistic abuse cycle is to remove yourself from it. Because they can’t suck you in when you’re not there. So see it as a tactic to prevent hoovering.
And if you want to heal your trauma bond, this will create the distance you need to start working on yourself. It’s a lot harder to heal when you stay connected to them. Because the push and pull dynamic is keeping your bond alive.
Can You Still Heal With Low Contact?
Reading the above, probably got you thinking, “great, I’m screwed if I share kids with them because they’ll always have to be in my life!”
But I don’t want you to feel disheartened because of that. Both approaches are still hard and will require a lot of effort from you.
It’s just that low contact means you’re going to have to see and deal with them, whilst you’re still healing.
So it’s not impossible. But it does mean you need to be firm with holding boundaries for yourself.
And really enforcing how much access the narcissist has to your thoughts and emotions. So keeping communication strictly practical—like about the kids, or shared responsibilities—is key.
Get Support
Navigating either of these boundaries is going to be emotionally challenging. So it’s wise to invest in some extra support, whilst you reap back your confidence and self esteem.
Especially if your narcissist is trying to manipulate, or guilt-trip you back. Their pleas—as you know—are really difficult to ignore and not fall for. So if you have someone on hand, like a therapist, they can be a safe person to turn to for help. Because they know the complexities of leaving a narcissist and why it’s not as clean cut as a “regular breakup”.
You need to have the right people supporting you, who understand narcissistic abuse. You don’t want to risk hearing the wrong advice whilst you’re still vulnerable.
Somatic trauma informed coaching
Having a somatic coach, especially alongside therapy, will help you heal quicker. Because therapy alone, doesn’t get you to the finishing line. The more work you put into your healing, the more you’ll get out of it.
I did and still do so many things to help me heal: talk therapy, breath work, jiu jitsu, weight training, yoga, coaching, mindfulness and somatic practices (just to name a few)!
And these things have all contributed to processing the trauma that was stuck in my body. But until you recognise the effects narcissistic abuse has had on you, you won’t be able to address the root cause.
And that’s exactly what I can support you with. So you can better understand why you’re showing up the way you are. And finally process your feelings through.
Making the Decision
Deciding between low contact vs no contact is a deeply personal choice. And it’s important to approach this decision from a place of empowerment, rather than pressure.
If you feel pushed into a choice you’re not ready for, it can leave you feeling disempowered and stuck. Which makes it more likely for you to revert to old patterns.
True, lasting change comes from within…
When you make decisions based on your own needs and boundaries—rather than external force, or guilt—you’re much more likely to stick with them and move forward confidently.
So start small:
– Begin by choosing yourself in the relationship—say no to things that drain you, or when you find yourself people-pleasing.
– Stop making yourself so available to them, especially if they don’t do it in return.
– And practice setting small boundaries with yourself and consistently holding them, like deciding not to respond to their messages immediately. Or committing to ending conversations when they become disrespectful.
And as you do these things, you’ll begin to rebuild your self-esteem and reconnect with your worth.
Over time, and with the right support, you’ll see the relationship for what it truly is. And the decision to go low contact or no contact, will naturally align with your newfound strength and self-respect.