Let’s talk about the stages of healing after narcissistic abuse. Like rebuilding trust – one of the toughest hurdles to overcome.
And you’re here because you want to know how to do that again.
But let’s be real:
Learning to trust again – whether it’s putting your faith in others, or trusting yourself again – is like walking up Mount Everest in flip-flops. And the trail isn’t marked either.
How’s that for challenging, eh?
And what you’ve probably noticed along the way, is how you’ve stopped trusting yourself and your decision-making a long time ago. So you’ve got to relearn how to do that all again.
Because what the narcissist has had you doing is walking on eggshells. You were constantly trying to avoid setting them off. Or dealing with gaslighting, that over time, it did a number on your self-esteem. So you’ve started to doubt your own actions, decisions, and even your feelings.
Throw in their lies, cheating, and manipulation and you’ve got a potent mix for your well-being. So it’s no wonder feeling safe in your body again feels so far fetched.
Well this blog’s your validation boost; we all want to feel “normal”. And I wish I’d had more guidance when I first faced getting over narc abuse. Knowing what stages are ahead in your healing brings you comfort. Because later, when you’re in the midst of it, you’ll know why, it’s taking so long!
Understanding Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissists are emotionally volatile and unpredictable. And if you’re living or have lived with one, you’ll find yourself in a constant state of anxiety and stress. Even after the relationship’s over.
It feels uncomfortable more than it doesn’t. Because you never know what version of them you’re going to get, from one day to the next.
They’ll deny your feelings and experiences. Or try to convince you that you’re overreacting and being irrational. Especially as a woman.
…cue a misogynistic eye roll 🙄.
As time goes on, it wears you down. It diminishes your sense of what’s real and causes you to question yourself. You’ll think things like: “Am I crazy?”, or “Am I overreacting?”.
And you doubting your experiences, is a tell-tale sign that something might not be right.
Narcissists put their needs and desires above everyone else. They’ll be emotionally unavailable. Dismiss your feelings, and show little empathy or concern for your well-being.
You’ll feel: neglected, rejected, and unworthy, further fuelling your belief that you’re doing something wrong.
But you’re not.
They want you to feel that way so they can control you. Because the less confidence you have in yourself, the more you’ll rely on them.
What are the Impacts of Narcissistic Abuse?
Living with a narcissist results in a loss of identity and autonomy.
You don’t even realise how long it’s been since you met up with your friend for a coffee. Or how little you exercise anymore.
Let alone how long it’s been since you’ve done something for yourself.
They belittle your accomplishments. Gaslight you into thinking your thoughts and feelings are invalid. And undermine your confidence, all the fucking time. It grinds you down, slowly and painfully.
Not only that, but you feel powerless to change it. Because they’ve made you believe those things are true.
So it’s tough to feel good about yourself when they’re always putting you down.
In the stages of healing from narcissistic abuse, you’re likely to feel:
Guilty
Narcissists are skilled at manipulating and placing blame on you – for everything.
Are they in a bad mood? Somehow that’ll be your fault.
Shitty day at work? Yeah, that’s your fault too.
They’d rather blame you than ever take accountability.
So when this happens often enough, it leads you to believe that you’re responsible for the issues in your relationship.
You’ll start to feel guilty for things that are out of your control, or that you haven’t done. And find yourself adjusting your behaviour through fear of upsetting them.
It’s just their way of trying to gain control over you and make you feel small. Narcissists love to feel superior to you.
Confused
They’re also masters of gaslighting. It’s their favourite way to confuse you.
They’ll twist the truth and mess with how you see things. Because their goal’s to make you think your memory’s unreliable. And once you believe that, they can control your version of events to their advantage.
So you might doubt your own sanity sometimes. Or find yourself saying sorry for things you didn’t do – anything to avoid another blowup again.
And when this happens a lot, you convince yourself that you’re to blame for the problems in your relationship.
Uncertain
Have you ever felt like you’re walking on eggshells?
Like wondering if you’re going to get a loving, thoughtful person. Or the cold and snappy one today?
I never knew. It was a lottery.
And I found myself adjusting my behaviour. Like I would try and act a certain way to make him feel better. So, I would repress my feelings if I thought they would make him mad, or cause an argument.
I’m sure you know what I’m on about. They just have this ability to make you feel so unsure of yourself and unable to make decisions.
Worthless, hopeless, and depressed
What a trio of delights, huh?
Narcissists have a knack for making you feel small and insignificant. And they do it in the sneakiest of ways. They chip away at your self-worth and confidence, bit by bit.
You start to feel like you can’t make a move without their input. Like they’ve become your go-to for reassurance – even though they’re not exactly the reassuring type!
I mean, if you believed in yourself enough to handle everything on your own, you wouldn’t be clinging to them, right? But here you are, caught in that emotional whirlwind, all thanks to them.
What are the Long-Term Effects of Narcissistic Abuse?
After a relationship with a narcissist, you’ll feel like you don’t even know who you are anymore.
Your confidence and mental health take an absolute beating.
Low self-esteem and self-worth
You’ll have a deep-seated belief that you’re not good enough.
You’ve been devalued. Constantly belittled, mocked, insulted, shouted at, and maybe even attacked physically. And if you’ve been living like that for a long time, those behaviours won’t make you feel good about yourself.
And overcoming how they made you feel, will feel like a mammoth task. Because it’s daunting when you realise how little self worth you’ve been left with.
Because if you were to think of your self-esteem as your savings account. And someone had been quietly stealing your money from it for a while. So much so that your bank account’s now on zero. The task of bringing your balance back up to – say $10,000 – feels like a long way away.
Especially if you’re struggling with the cosi livs. (Cost of living for my American friends), (and probably everyone reading this cos not even my partner understands me when I shorten words)!
So I get you, I know how hard it is to replenish your self-esteem. But I also know it’s not impossible; it just takes work and consistency. You’ve got to be committed to change. And little by little, you’ll get there.
Remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day!
Depression and anxiety
Anxiety comes from living in a constant state of fear, worry and nervousness. So, even after you’re out of your toxic relationship, your body won’t feel like it is. It’s learnt to adjust to feeling on edge all the time.
You’ll probably lose interest in the things that used to bring you joy. Because you’re so used to putting the narcissist’s needs ahead of yours, that you won’t know yourself anymore.
You’ll feel a sense of gloom for the future as you know how much work you need to do to feel “normal” again. You’ve got to fall out of love with your ex, heal your trauma bond, work on yourself, exercise, eat healthy and sleep well. It’s a lot.
But I promise you, it’ll be worth it – and I can vouch for that!
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) or Complex PTSD
Exposure to threatening, intimidating or controlling behaviour can cause PTSD or C-PTSD. So you don’t need to go to war to get it!
Having a relationship with a narcissist means you’re in a constant state of anxiety-produced hyper-arousal. Try saying that after a few drinks 😅.
Basically, our brains remember behaviour that caused us pain.
And when something triggers that pain, your brain acts accordingly. It’s trying to protect you and stop you from experiencing the same outcome as last time.
So your brain provokes an emotional response to get you out of there – that’s your fight or flight kicking in. And when you don’t know your triggers, those responses are hard to control. Because they feel like they come out of nowhere.
Stages of Healing After Narcissistic Abuse
You’ve probably been told for a while that everything was your fault, or that you were the problem.
But that’s how narcissistic abuse works.
It’s real, hurtful and damaging in so many ways. And you need those feelings validated so you can start to understand what you went through.
Narcissists have patterns of behaviour. And if you look into your experiences, you’ll relate to the recurring themes and tactics they used to manipulate and control you.
Understanding these patterns is a crucial step towards breaking free from their influence.
Because once you’re aware of their narcissistic behaviours, you’ll spot the red flags you missed (or even ignored).
They blame you for everything that goes wrong in the relationship. Which leads to feelings of guilt, shame, and self-blame. But, recognising that their behaviour is a result of their personality – and not because of you – is a good first step to take in healing.
Stages of Healing After Narcissistic Abuse: Recognising the Abuse
Acknowledging the abuse can help to shift the blame away from yourself. It helps you realise that it wasn’t your fault when you can recognise the behaviours that made you feel that way.
It’s a bitter pill to swallow, especially if you still have feelings for the person who abused you.
It’s hard to imagine that someone would treat you this way – when they also claimed to have loved you. But it happens; people who love you can also abuse you. Two things can be true at the same time.
And narcissists, unfortunately, only love what they can get from you.
Understand the narcissistic abuse cycle
The cycle helps you see the patterns, so it makes you aware of your experiences. And when you look back on your relationship, you start connecting the dots and realising the manipulation at play.
It helps you see how you got here and why you need to heal.
Learn about trauma bonding
So it’s not unlikely for you to keep re-healing. And what I mean by that is:
You might’ve separated from your ex narcissist a few times already.
So you might feel like you’ve already tried to heal and it’s not working because you still keep going back!
But the reason you’re going back is not because of that.
It’s because you’re trauma bonded.
And that’s something that takes a lot of effort and awareness to fix. Break ups with narcissists are different. And for them, you’ll need something stronger! You’ll need a combination of tools (see below) to help you heal from trauma bonding.
Stages of Healing After Narcissistic Abuse: Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries after narcissistic abuse, for yourself and for others, is one of the most important things you can do to start trusting yourself again.
So, what does that mean?
Well, it’s all about getting comfy with saying “no” when you don’t want to do something. Standing up for yourself, your wants and needs. You’re showing people how you want to be treated.
If something doesn’t sit right with you, don’t hesitate to question it and set a boundary. That feeling of discomfort can help you recognise you need to do something about it.
This boundary-setting biz puts you back in the driver’s seat. It’ll help you feel more in control and trust your instincts again.
Now, if you’re scratching your head wondering what your boundaries even are – don’t sweat it. There are some fantastic tools out there. Including therapy, which can help you to reassert yourself in healthy and effective ways again.
No contact
Stopping contact is the best boundary you can have with a narcissist. It sends a clear message that you won’t tolerate them treating you badly. And because of their deceptive ways, you need strict measures like blocking their number. Because if you let them hoover you back in, they’ll regain control over you.
Stages of Healing After Narcissistic Abuse: Processing the Trauma
Treat yourself with kindness, understanding, and empathy. Like you would your friends.
It’s easy to be hard on yourself after being in a narcissistic relationship. I certainly thought I should’ve known better, or spotted the signs earlier.
But it’s important to remember that you’re not to blame for what happened and that healing takes time.
Be kind and compassionate with yourself as you work through the healing process. It’s not linear. You’ll probably slip up and have bad days.
We all do and it’s normal.
Forgiveness
The narcissist made you feel responsible for so long that you believed everything was your fault. Throw in some casual victim shaming and it’s hard to not blame yourself.
You know the old question:
“Why didn’t you just leave if it was so bad?”
And look, I felt stupid too for not leaving sooner. But it’s not on us to beat ourselves up for falling for their manipulative ways. The onus should be on the narcissist – why did they have to abuse us?
Forgiveness didn’t come easy for me. Both forgiving my ex and myself.
So for me, it looked like accepting the relationship for what it was and choosing to move on with my life. I didn’t have to forgive him to move forward. It wasn’t about that; it was about me and my happiness.
It’s not about excusing the behaviour of the narcissist either. But rather about letting go of the anger and resentment that can hold you back from moving forward.
It can be difficult to forgive someone who’s hurt you. And you don’t have to.
But holding on to the anger and resentment that surrounds them, will only prolong the healing process. And it will only cause you more emotional pain holding onto it.
So that’s what you need to let go of. Accept your past and try to focus on healing it.
Body work
Your nervous system is at the core of everything you go through in life, and your body’s like a map of all those experiences. Which is why going through narcissistic abuse leaves you feeling anxious, angry, or on edge.
And when you don’t know how to release all of that built-up energy and stress, you turn to other unhealthy coping methods. Like comfort eating, boozing, or even lashing out at your parents. You’re looking for external ways to feel better because you don’t know how to self soothe your difficult and uncomfortable emotions.
So you need to learn ways to restore the balance again. Which in sciencey language is called regulating your nervous system.
In other words, you can develop the skills to take you out of reliving your past experiences. And re-focus your attention on feeling calmer, safer and more in love with life again.
So if talk therapy feels too triggering or expensive for you right now, you can turn to DIY programs instead. And I love what Caroline Strawson offers. Because being a survivor herself, she knows what works to make you feel better again.
Her program regulate – which runs for 10 weeks and works out at less than $12 a week – will kickstart your healing. And give you the tools to develop resiliency and manage your stress better. So you can stop feeling lost and ashamed, and more like you’re bubbly old self again.
*A wee disclosure: there are affiliate links on this page. That just means if you click on a link – and follow through with buying it – i’ll make a commission. Don’t worry, you won’t pay any extra and sometimes you might even get a cheeky discount! Click here for more info.
And the beauty of learning these skills is you’ll have them with you through life. So you’ll always know what to do when you’re faced with challenges. You won’t be able to stop them, but you’ll have a way to cope with your overwhelm.
So the next time you meet a narcissist, you’ll notice the warning signs. Because you’ll be more in tune with how your body works and how it’s telling you “this is a bad idea”!
Stages of Healing After Narcissistic Abuse: Rebuilding Your Self-Esteem
Practise self-care
Taking care of yourself is essential to the stages of healing after narcissistic abuse.
This includes things like getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising, and engaging in activities that you enjoy.
Practising self-care will help you to feel better physically and emotionally. Which in turn, makes it easier for you to start trusting yourself again.
There’s no one rule for all, you need to find what works for you.
What makes you feel good about yourself?
I know for me it’s jiu-jitsu, for my friend Laura it’s surfing.
Is there something that brings you joy and peace that you could make a little more time for?
This could be anything from taking a class, to volunteering, to spending time with loved ones. What did you used to like before?
Therapy
When you lack self esteem, you sometimes need guidance for getting it back. And therapists can teach you some tools to help change your thoughts surrounding your trauma.
If you don’t know where to start, they will. They’ll be able to understand your brain more than you will. But make sure you get someone experienced in narcissistic abuse.
Stages of Healing After Narcissistic Abuse: Support and Community
The effects of narcissistic abuse are isolating. And it’s difficult for you to communicate the complex dynamics of your relationship to just anyone.
I struggled to talk to my friends about it. I thought they would think “jeez, get over it already”.
But if you have a few close people you can open up to, it’ll be invaluable to you.
Being around those who care about you and support you, can also help you to trust again. They can help you to see what healthy relationships should look like.
And if you can connect with other women who’ve experienced what you have – even better. Because when you hear a reassuring voice say: “me too”, it helps relate your experience. It decreases your shame because you’re not alone anymore.
And you can even share healing tips. They might have suggestions for things you haven’t even thought of. It’s comforting to see someone overcome trauma and thrive, it gives you hope again.
That’s basically why I created Sallt Sisters. You need a space to bring women together and lift each other back up again.
It’s like that feeling of instant camaraderie when someone says they love the same band as you. You feel like you just get each other.
It’s an instant connection and means “I understand you”. And that’s comforting when you’ve felt lonely for a long time.
Stages of Healing After Narcissistic Abuse: Rebuilding Trust
How to start trusting yourself again
This is what shook me the most after my relationship. I could no longer trust myself, the decisions I was making, or the choices I’d made.
After all, I was unknowingly in a relationship with a narcissist. So you do feel like you’ve let yourself down. That you’re a bad judge of character. And you’re also worried it could happen again.
All very natural thoughts. And they’ll take a while for you to un-think them too.
Below’s what you can do to help rebuild your trust:
Identify your strengths
Narcissists try to undermine your self-esteem. But you’ve strengths and qualities that make you unique. You’re not at all what they were trying to make out.
Make a list of your positive attributes and accomplishments and remind yourself of them regularly.
Be proud of yourself, of who you are and what you’ve achieved to get here.
Challenge negative self-talk
The inner critic that developed during the relationship can continue to dampen your self-esteem. You can learn to recognise when negative self-talk arises. And you can challenge it with self-compassion, positive affirmations, or a reality check.
Ask yourself, “where’s this coming from?” Because more often than not, it’s something we’ve been told over and over again by someone with less than pure intentions.
Take back control. Give yourself the reassurance you want to hear from someone else.
Why therapy can also help
I know I harp on about therapy being helpful – and here it is for the third time in this list! But I really can’t emphasise it enough!
Yes, it’s terrifying. And a little bit weird at first. But you need to trust the process and the professional.
When you’ve been with a narcissist, you get very used to dealing with problems alone. Much of the relationship is spent in your head, deep in your thoughts. And rationalising everything away.
So your brain gets used to thinking a certain way. And it’s too complex for you to understand the harm they’ve had on you. It’s heavy shit to go through.
And even though I don’t doubt you’ve got some great, supportive friends. If they haven’t had a toxic relationship, they really won’t get it.
You need someone who knows how to work through feelings of guilt, shame, and self-doubt. And therapists do just that. They’ll help you see it wasn’t all in your head and you weren’t crazy.
Cos let’s face it, your best friend just wants to staple things to their head! And although that’s nice, it doesn’t help you process what’s going on in your mind!
You’ve been conditioned to put the needs of the narcissist before your own. So you need some practical tools for learning to trust yourself again. You also need coping strategies for dealing with triggers and negative emotions that may arise as you heal.
Because they will. And they’ll catch you off guard if you’re not prepared for them.
Identifying my triggers and learning how to deal with them was massive for me. It helped hugely in my recovery. And whilst it wasn’t easy, it made life much easier when I knew what to expect. I learnt to be confident in my needs.
Moving Forward
As we wrap up the stages of healing after narcissistic abuse, I want to leave you with a sense of hope.
Recovery from narcissistic abuse is a journey filled with ups and downs, moments of doubt, but also moments of growth. It’s not a one-size-fits-all approach; it’ll be unique to you.
And while you’re not responsible for their abusive behaviour. You are responsible for how you heal from it. So you can choose your path to recovery, and that’s empowering.
Expect to face the stages I’ve discussed, but don’t worry too much about the order. It’s normal to work on one aspect of healing and then move on to another.
You might start with boundaries and later tackle self care, or vice versa. What matters is that you’re moving forward, step by step, and reclaiming your life.
Healing’s personal and it won’t be linear. But arming yourself with the knowledge of what to expect, helps make it a little less daunting.
There are countless survivors who’ve faced similar relationships and emerged stronger. And in time you will too.
Make sure you get the support you need to help you get there. But also, don’t be afraid to pay for help either. Take each day as it comes and be kind to yourself.
Ultimately, your healing is an opportunity for growth and self-discovery. And with each step forward, you’ll start to reclaim a piece of yourself back.
Your story is one of triumph over adversity, and the best chapters are yet to come, you’ll see.
Further reading:
9 Hard Truths You Need To Know Before Healing From A Narcissist
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