How To Spot The Cheating Patterns of a Narcissist: 9 Signs to Look Out For

You can figure out the cheating patterns of a narcissist if you’ve lived it. Because when you look back on your relationship, the signs were all there. It’s just that they overpowered your intuition with their cunning manipulation.

And that’s not your fault.

There’s a lot of hidden control which makes it impossible to spot their patterns. And unfortunately, cheating and narcissism tend to go hand in hand. So your chances of being with a narcissist AND them cheating on you, are pretty high.

They’re excellent liars after all. So even if you have your suspicions, they’ll only gaslight your doubts away.

Why Narcissistic Cheating’s Different

That was the case for me; everything in my body was telling me something wasn’t right. Yet, when I confronted any situation that made me feel uncomfortable, my ex gaslighted me. She’d disregard it or even worse – laugh at me for suspecting it.

Narcissist’s are different from your average cheater. Because they thrive on power and control in relationships. So if they’re not getting what they need from your relationship, you can bet they’ll get it from someone else.

Guilt and remorse are not emotions that narcissists feel. So they base their attitudes towards infidelity on a warped moral compass. And people are just commodities to them.

Of course, there’s no blanket manual for how each narcissist will behave. And not every narcissist will cheat. But they’ve a higher tendency to cheat – especially if you’re not meeting their needs.

Why Do Narcissists Cheat?

The Need for Supply

To understand why a narcissist cheats, you need to see why they need a supply. 

At their core, a narcissist is damn right insecure. So they need your attention and admiration to solidify their sense of self. They basically inflate their ego through the eyes of how others see them.

Narcissists need affirmation from external sources because they can’t regulate this themselves. So cheating becomes a means to secure that. And they do that without remorse. Because they see it as a way to get their needs met whilst also maintaining control over you.

Ego Inflation

Everybody enjoys a little ego boost from time to time. But for narcissists, they’re on a mission to keep their confidence alive. They lean on other people to pump up their self-esteem because they struggle to do it themselves.

And for them, cheating’s like their secret weapon for feeling even more superior. They get a kick out of conquering new partners and soaking up admiration from a bunch of them. It’s their way of shouting to the world, “I’m the ultimate catch!” And they expect everyone around them to keep chanting their praises.

But here’s the bummer:

They’ll never be fulfilled. So anyone who ends up in a relationship with one is already fighting a losing battle.

No Self-Control

You know, narcissists cheat because they often struggle with self-control. When someone showers them with attention and strokes their ego, they can’t resist the temptation. In their minds, it’s totally justified because they’re getting what they want.

I’ve been there myself, looking back, it’s crystal clear. Whenever we were out, or she was on social media, if someone showed interest in my ex, she’d play along. It was pretty baffling because instead of respecting our relationship by shutting it down, she used it against me. Ever been in a situation where you express your concerns? But you’re told you’re just being paranoid or controlling? It’s frustrating, right?

Well, when your partner not only dismisses your worries. But flips the script and makes it your problem, that’s classic gaslighting. A good partner should listen to your concerns. They should reassure you and work with you to make sure you don’t feel that way again. If they keep pushing your boundaries, it’s a clear sign that they don’t care about your feelings.

Self-importance

When you mix up:

a lack of self-control,
a sky-high ego, and
an overall feeling of entitlement – you’ve got the perfect combo for someone who might cheat.

See, once their finished with their love bombing, the narcissist’s on the hunt for fresh attention.

In their world, they think they deserve it all. Anything that gives them a good feeling and pumps up their ego is A-okay in their book. And sadly, you don’t even factor into the equation. It’s all about them.

For the Thrill of it

Narcissists sometimes like to see how far they can push it. They get off on seeing how far you would go for them, or how much you can handle before you break.

It’s all part of their manipulation. By this stage, they’ve already figured out that you’re willing to put up with their shitty behaviour. So they’ll go a little further each time crossing your boundaries more and more.

Sneaking around behind their partner’s back is thrilling to them. It’s another way to prove to themselves how desirable they are to others and give their ego a boost. Plus, it gives them some ammunition to use against you if you’re not meeting their every need.

Lack of Empathy

Narcissists, you know, they’ve got quite a reputation for being not-so-great partners. One big reason is that they often lack genuine empathy; they can’t tune in to other people’s feelings and emotions.

So, when it comes to cheating on their partner, they’re surprisingly okay with it. Guilt and remorse don’t seem to be in their emotional toolkit.

Now, if you’ve got a niggling feeling that something’s off. But your partner comes home professing their undying love for you. That’s super confusing, and you don’t know what to believe: your gut instinct, or them.

For most of us, if we were unfaithful, we’d be squirming with guilt or feeling the need to come clean. But for narcissists, that guilt thing? Not even on their radar. They sort of feel entitled to whatever they want.

You might believe them for a moment, but deep down, your gut’s shouting a different story. That’s what they call “cognitive dissonance”. A mental tug-of-war where you’re trying to wrap your head around how someone who claims to love you, can also make you feel insecure. So you try to minimise that feeling by making excuses, both to others and yourself.

The Patterns of a Cheating Narcissist – The 9 Signs to Look Out For

The Cheating Patterns of a Narcissist – 1️⃣ Use of Social Media

Social media’s become the ultimate tool for narcissists to receive instant gratification. With it being so readily available, they can start receiving the attention they crave in just a few clicks.

Flirting with strangers on social media can be one of the first tell-tale signs. It shows hints of them looking for new supplies.

And if you question any behaviour that makes you uncomfortable. You can bet they’ll tell you to not worry about it, and that “they’re just friends or colleagues”.

Don’t believe them.

Because in my case, they were never “just friends”.

The timing of her “new friend” or “colleague”, always seemed to align with her discarding me not long after. That’s no coinky dink!

As soon as those new interactions began, she’d distance herself from me. And she’d get colder and colder before chucking me.

So if you want to learn from my mistakes, don’t take their word for it. If you’re suspicious your partner’s cheating, don’t ignore it. Dig a little deeper.

The Cheating Patterns of a Narcissist – 2️⃣ Sob Stories of Past Lovers

The cheating patterns of a narcissist often kickstart with a little sob story. You know the one about how they’ve had such a rough time in relationships? Hurtful cheating ex partners, that kind of thing.

It’s a clever tactic to earn your sympathy right from the get go. Because they’re seeking reassurance that you’re not going to do the same to them. But once they’ve got that reassurance, they know they’ve got a foot in the door of your trust.

They paint this picture of themselves as vulnerable. And naturally, we feel compelled to offer them the reassurance they crave. They’re playing the sympathy card, and we start expecting them to treat us with respect in return.

But here’s the kicker: Those early conversations can come back to haunt you if you ever call them out. They’ll throw it right back at you. They’ll say things like they’d “never do such a thing”, making you feel guilty for even suggesting it.

Meanwhile, they’re carrying on with their affair like it’s no biggie!

The Cheating Patterns of a Narcissist – 3️⃣ Changes in Behaviour

Another narcissistic cheating pattern is when they start acting busy and like they’ve no time for you. Or they’re always swamped with something else. It’s a real head-scratcher! Because it’s the total opposite of their love bombing behaviour in the beginning of the relationship.

They’re now picking fights more often. And it feels like there are problems popping up everywhere between you two. Plus, they get all mysterious about where they are and what they’re up to.

You might also notice them getting sneaky with their phone or laptop. Like they’ve got all private with keeping their devices out of sight. Or they’re changing passwords you once knew.

Their spending habits might go haywire too. You’ll spot weird charges on their bank card that don’t add up. Or they start hanging out at places they’ve never even mentioned before.

The Cheating Patterns of a Narcissist – 4️⃣ Changes in Appearance

If a new supply’s on the scene. Or the narcissist’s actively seeking one, you’ll notice they start making more effort with how they look. For example, they start going to the gym more, buying new outfits, or getting fresh haircuts. 

Narcissists can also begin to look like parts of their personalities are changing. It can happen if they’re trying to mirror someone else’s needs and wants that may not align with yours.

Changes in routine can also be a sign. Like, are they not coming home after work, or staying away more at the weekends?

It’s more noticeable if this changes suddenly because it shows they’re up to no good.

You have to trust your gut in this situation; if something feels off, you’re not being paranoid. You’re more than likely right.

The Cheating Patterns of a Narcissist – 5️⃣ Lies and Deceit

Let’s talk about another cheating pattern you might notice in narcissists. They start weaving a web of lies, mainly because they believe they can get away with it. You see, their lack of self-control, empathy, and impulse control, makes it hard for them to resist temptation when it comes their way.

Throughout your relationship, they’ve been feeding you a line. Because after all, they’re all about putting their best foot forward. They either mirror your needs, or tell you what you want to hear to keep up that image.

But as time goes on, it gets tougher for them to keep up the act. So the lies get even wilder. Sometimes it’s to cover up their shady behaviour. And other times, it’s an attempt to keep you as their go-to source of attention.

Maintaining this ideal self-image is their top priority. And they won’t hesitate to use as many people as it takes to make it happen.

You might get half-truths from a narcissist to make it look like they’re being honest. But they’ll conveniently leave out important details about themselves or their life.

They’re pros at leaving stuff out or bending the truth. They’ll make you feel like you’re crazy for thinking, or feeling a certain way (that’s called gaslighting).

And the icing on the cake? You’ll never hear a genuine apology from a narcissist. In their eyes, it’s always your fault.

The Cheating Patterns of a Narcissist – 6️⃣ Changes in Their Sex Drive

When it comes to narcissists and their behaviour, there are two possible scenarios in the bedroom:

First, they might lose interest in being intimate with you. And that’s because they’re getting their needs met elsewhere (if you catch my drift).

And secondly, they could become more interested in sex. Kind of like a way to spice things up due to their affair excitement. Or because their new source of attention isn’t always available. Ouch!

For them, sex isn’t just about the physical aspect. It’s also another chance to show off their worth and control in the relationship. So, if they’re playing this game of giving and taking whenever they feel like it – it’s another strategy to keep you under their thumb. They can make you feel like you’re on cloud nine one moment. And then leave you feeling more self-conscious than ever the next.

The Cheating Patterns of a Narcissist – 7️⃣ Gaslighting

Once you start noticing these patterns we’ve been talking about – chances are – you’ll call out some of their behaviours that don’t sit well with you. And guess what? They’ve got a playbook for that too 🤦‍♀️.

They might tell you it’s all in your head, that it never happened, or that your feelings are wrong. Yep, they’ll do whatever it takes to undermine your instincts and make you feel like you’re the one in the wrong.

If you hear it often enough, you might start doubting yourself. It’s all part of their game plan to keep control over you and the relationship. If they can shake your confidence in your own feelings, they can keep on with their unacceptable behaviour.

Here are the gaslighting warning signs you should look out for:

• You think you’re being too sensitive
• You believe them over what you feel
• Often make excuses for their behaviour
• You feel like the crazy one
• You’re always the one to end up apologising – even if you did nothing wrong
• A persistent feeling of not being good enough
• You’re confused about reality
• Noticing their words don’t match their actions
• You receive superficial acts of kindness – inconsistent reassurance that makes you feel like your abuser “isn’t all bad”
• Even if you’ve proof, they’re still lying and making you doubt your truth
• You know something’s wrong, but you can’t put your finger on what it is
• You struggle to make decisions and no longer trust your ability to do so

The Cheating Patterns of a Narcissist – 8️⃣ Projecting Cheating Onto You

Cheating narcissists are notorious for projecting their poor behaviour onto you. It’s a deflection tactic to shift the focus away from their bad behaviour. But, it also helps them avoid taking responsibility for it. So it’s no surprise if you find yourself accused of the same stuff, when you decide to confront them.

A cheating narcissist will almost never admit they’re in the wrong. So, confronting them can be super frustrating and downright confusing.

For example, I remember times when my ex would act inappropriately in social settings. We’d be out for a night, and I’d see her getting cosy with someone else, or disappearing with them. But when I brought it up, I was the one in the wrong. I was the “inappropriate” one, the control freak, and apparently, I was making things up to make her look bad!

I was lost and bewildered by it. Even though other people saw what was happening. Or had their own experiences with her, I started second-guessing myself. That’s the magic of gaslighting for you; it can mess with your head big time.

The Cheating Patterns of a Narcissist – 9️⃣ You’re Discarded

The final cheating narcissist pattern:

They’ll get bored and toss you away for another source of supply. 

You may’ve felt something was off, or you’ve been completely blindsided. Either way, it’s a tormenting experience.

You’ll have many questions about the relationship ending. And you’ll likely get no closure from a narcissist. Instead, the cheating narcissist walks away unscathed with a new supply. And they’ll look happier than ever parading their new relationship on social media.

But, the narcissist might be back. They’ll show up in your life over and over if they get bored of whoever’s currently giving them supply. They want to know they can still have that hold over you, and get you back whenever they want.

Being discarded by a narcissist can feel like the worst pain. But they’ve actually done you the biggest favour. Leave them where they need to be – in your past. Focus on yourself moving forward, and don’t let them pull you back into the cycle again.

Do you Think You’ve Experienced any of These Cheating Patterns?

Comment below if you want to share your experience. Or privately email me at: info@salltsisters.com