Learning about real-life examples of narcissistic abuse can help you see the signs in your own relationship.
It’s giving yourself a heads up in advance. Because the more you know about a narcissist’s toxic traits, the better you’ll get at spotting them.
If you notice similarities, it’ll validate what you’re going through. And it’ll stop you questioning whether what you’re experiencing’s ok. Because when you can relate to another’s experiences, it’ll remove a bit of that doubt.
It surprised me when I learnt what behaviours were abusive – because it wasn’t even something I questioned at the time.
And you might not either. But I can tell you, that after it ends – when you’re struggling to get over it all – that’s when it hits you that something wasn’t right.
Because a breakup with a narcissist is different to a ‘normal’ breakup.
The toll it takes on you is on another level. But when you start to spot the subtle signs, you see them everywhere. In films and tv, within your social circles and even at work.
And that’s a good thing, it means you’ve got awareness. And when you know more, you can make better choices for yourself.
So let’s get to it…
What’s Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD for short, is a diagnosis. And according to the DSM, there’s nine symptoms that classify it. But I don’t want you getting too hung up on that because most cases will go undiagnosed.
Like have you ever known a narcissist to take accountability and get a therapist?
Of course not – it’s unheard of!
So as Dr Ramani says, it’s better to view it as more of a personality style. And learn to identify their damaging behaviour, rather than trying to label them.
What you’re looking out for is someone with a really big ego and a deep need for excessive attention. They also don’t give a shit about anyone else and just use others to get what they want.
It’s all about control and manipulation for them. Like ‘how much can I suck out of this person until I’ve satisfied my needs?’
It’s a never-ending cycle of emotional abuse. And it leaves you feeling confused, worthless, and like you’re losing your mind.
So they’re not exactly the type of person you want around! Hence why it’s important you get familiar with their behaviour.
How prevalent is it?
It’s difficult to determine how common NPD is, as it often goes unrecognised and unreported. But, it’s thought to affect up to 5% of the U.S population. So it’s quite a rare disorder.
But that’s not to say that people don’t exhibit narcissistic traits. It’s just a spectrum that varies from low to extreme. So with that in mind, it’s hard to say what the exact figure is.
All you can do is watch out for the below examples in any type of relationship you have. Whether that’s romantic, familial, friendship or even work related.
Examples of Narcissistic Abuse:
1. Gaslighting 🤯
Narcissistic gaslighting in a relationship looks like a partner who constantly denies or minimizes their abusive behaviour. Which causes you to doubt your perceptions and memories.
Like a partner who becomes angry and physically aggressive towards you. Later on, they’ll deny that the incident ever occurred, or try to blame you for their aggressive behaviour. Over time, you may begin to question your memory of events and doubt your perceptions of things. This makes you feel more and more isolated and unsure of what’s true.
The goal of gaslighting is to manipulate you into doubting your judgment, making you more reliant on and vulnerable to the abuser. With a narcissist, it’s usually intentional. They love to make you feel like a crazy bitch!
Have you seen the Netflix series You?
Although a very extreme version of psychological/physical abuse (because Joe’s a killer – *spoiler alert*, sorry); it perfectly shows how effective gaslighting is.
He’s obsessed with a girl, Beck, and will do whatever it takes to keep her under his control. He makes her doubt herself and memories, making her think she’s crazy and paranoid. And all this is done to isolate from her friends and family, and make here solely reliant on him.
It’s so powerful that the effects can last a long time; even after the relationship’s over.
Examples of Narcissistic Abuse:
2. Love-Bombing
Love bombing is a tactic used to win you over and establish control of the relationship. It involves overwhelming you with affection, attention, and flattery in the early stages of the relationship. We all love that kind of attention, so it’s hard to ignore it. Because everyone wants to feel special, and boyyy are narcissists good at making you feel like that.
The goal of it is to create an intense bond with you, making you feel head over heels for them.
For example, a love bomber may shower you with gifts, or make grand romantic gestures. They may also go out of their way to make you feel appreciated and valued. But they can also show a jealous and possessive side if you show interest in anyone else.
While this intense level of adoration may be flattering at first, it’s often not sustainable. And the narcissist won’t be able to keep up with it forever. So, you’ll notice they’ll gradually begin to withdraw their love and support, leading you to feel confused and abandoned. (Devalue stage).
LC was won over with a helicopter ride from her ex! And I’m pretty sure this came after him doing something shitty. These types of grand gestures can fool you into thinking ‘WOW! They must really care about me‘. Or cancel out any terrible behaviour that happened before. So it’s all about the aesthetic and how it looks to you and others.
Examples of Narcissistic Abuse:
3. Triangulation 👫 🧍🏻♀️
Triangulation involves bringing a third party into the dynamic of the relationship. And they’re used to compare you unfavourably and make you feel insecure about yourself.
For instance, a husband might compare his wife to other women, saying she’s not as attractive or successful. Or he might flirt with others in front of her to create jealousy and make her feel inadequate.
This tactic aims to control her and make her dependent on his validation. So that the wife is constantly trying to impress and compete for his attention.
It can also be combined with gaslighting, where the abuser uses others to make their version of events seem true. For example, saying, ‘my friend also thinks you’re acting crazy’ or ‘your friends won’t believe you’.
Examples of Narcissistic Abuse:
4. Smear Campaign 🤥
A smear campaign involves spreading false or damaging information about you. This can either be directly, like making false accusations to your face or in public. Or indirectly, like through gossip or social media.
An example would be, after a breakup, your ex starts spreading rumours about you to mutual friends. So they make up stories or twist truths about your behaviour or what happened in the relationship.
The whole point of this smear campaign is to discredit you and ruin your reputation. They want to make you seem unreliable and isolate you.
My ex was a pro at dragging others into our fights. She’d paint me as controlling or paranoid. And it used to drive me crazy and make me feel completely undermined. Even when others saw what she was doing, her story was so convincing that people kept falling for it.
I gave up defending myself because I felt like I was always the problem. I stopped setting boundaries because I felt it was easier to blame myself than to hold her responsible for crossing those lines.
Examples of Narcissistic Abuse:
5. Stonewalling 🤐
Stonewalling involves shutting down or withdrawing from the conversation. It’s a type of emotional abuse because it follows criticism or confrontation. And its a way for the abuser to avoid taking accountability.
A classic example is confronting your partner about a problem in the relationship. But they flat out refuse to discuss it or becomes defensive and unresponsive. They might just give you vague or non-committal responses instead.
The goal of stonewalling is to avoid having to confront the problem and deal with any negative emotions. It helps them keep control of the relationship by avoiding intimacy and emotional vulnerability.
Because it’s such a cold and hurtful response that you’re desperate to get them to talk to you again. So you become more preoccupied with getting them to respond to you, rather than addressing the original problem. It’s kinda like they’ve sidetracked your attention elsewhere.
Once you know this is emotional abuse, you see it everywhere; it’s a common reaction to confrontation. But if you didn’t know about it, you probably wouldn’t think too much about it, right?
What about Stranger Things? I hope you’ve seen it because it’s amazing.
In the series, the character of Jim Hopper (the chief of police), is often seen shutting down emotionally. He becomes unresponsive to the people around him, particularly his daughter and friends. He’s frequently seen avoiding or dismissing their attempts at communication or intimacy. And he often responds with silence, defensiveness or withdrawal.
He also tends to avoid or deny the existence of certain problems or feelings. And this behaviour creates a communication breakdown and emotional distance in his relationships.
You’ll pick up on it and see it in TV and movies now you’re aware of it. Comment any good examples you have below – share your knowledge!
Examples of Narcissistic Abuse:
6. Trauma Bonding ⛓️
A trauma bond is an intense emotional bond that develops between you and your abuser.
It’s strong feelings of love and loyalty to the person who’s hurting you – even though they’re treating you badly. And they’re tough to break because they’re fuelled by your fears and your need to survive.
Think of a woman sticking around in an abusive relationship, scared for her safety or her kids’ safety. Despite the abuse, she feels this deep connection with her partner. She might believe she can change him, or that she’s got nowhere else to go. She might even think it’s her responsibility to fix things.
So she stays because her fear of leaving feels stronger. Although, it doesn’t stop her thinking about it, it just feels too impossible to actually follow through on it. Which is why trauma bonds are so difficult to break. Let alone process without external help, like with the support of a therapist.
A great example of a trauma bond from a film is Room (2015), with the character of Joy, held captive by Old Nick. Even though he mistreats her, she gets attached to him because he’s the only person she’s ever known.
She becomes dependent on him. And starts feeling grateful for tiny things he does, like bringing her food and clothing – that’s trauma bonding.
Joy’s emotions become entwined with her abuser’s, making it really hard for her to leave, despite the abuse she experiences. Even when she manages to escape with her son, she struggles to adjust to the outside world, haunted by her past experiences.
It’s messed up how this works with narcissists too. You end up relying on them for your well-being without even realising they’re causing you pain. But once you spot it, you can start taking steps to break free from the cycle.
Examples of Narcissistic Abuse:
7. Fauxplogy ❤️🩹
A fauxplogy is a fake-apology. So it’s insincere and shallow. And only used to dodge taking any blame or avoid taking accountability. It’s saying sorry but without actually mean it.
For example, it’s like someone apologising for being an asshole. But they slip in some casual blaming too, like making light of what they did.
They might say:
‘I’m sorry if I hurt you, but you know how easily annoyed I get’, or ‘I shouldn’t have yelled, but you pushed me too far’.
These apologies aren’t genuine; they’re not accepting responsibility. And they’re just a setup for more of their bad behaviour.
A real apology owns up to the harm caused and tries to make things right. There’s no excuses or blaming others involved. And when you apologise for hurting someone, you prove it by making changes to your behaviour. So if they don’t change, you’ll know it was a fauxpology.
Examples of Narcissistic Abuse:
8. Mirroring 🪞
Narcissistic mirroring is when someone tries to win you over by pretending they’re exactly like you.
So they’re all about everything you love. Same interests, same goals, they might even start dressing like you! And it kinda feels like its too good to be true —because it is!
It’s often not real and just a ploy to get into your heart. They’re not actually interested in the stuff you’re into. It’s a trick to make you like them more. And to get you to fall as fast as possible; it’s part of the idealisation phase in the cycle.
And it’s also why it’s so hard to tell it apart from real love. Because we don’t expect untruthful love.
Examples of Narcissistic Abuse:
9. Projection 🫵
Projection is another example of narcissistic abuse. And this is their go-to defence to help them dodge owning up to their bad behaviour.
They divert the blame away from them to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. So whatever cruel thing they’ve done, you can bet it’ll be anyone else’s fault but theirs.
And this could be things like cheating accusations. Paranoia that you’re being dishonest with them, despite no proof. But they’ll push you to the point where you’ll feel like you need to prove yourself.
Which of course, is a great distraction technique. Because if you’re busy concentrating on showing them how committed you are – and that cheating couldn’t be further from the truth – then you’re not second guessing their actions, right? You’re more worried about your own, instead.
And that’s how projection works – it’s a decoy so they can carry on with their bad behaviour.
The same goes for any negative emotions they’re feeling as well, like insecurity. They want to get rid of it, so they push it on to you instead. And that’s when their criticism of you may come out; they knock you down a few pegs, so they’re not the only one feeling bad. Very playground behaviour, eh?
But it’s also damaging. It leads to constant conflict and misunderstandings in the relationship. And that toxicity makes you defensive and confused. You don’t understand why you’re fighting all the time and you can’t see where it’s coming from.
My ex was harmful in the same way too. Whenever she made new friends, she would keep them a secret and separate from our life. And something always felt off to me when I tried to pry deeper about them.
I’d ask after them and she’d be angry at me. And then all of a sudden, I was the one in the limelight accused of being inappropriate with a friend or stranger. Or how I was controlling who she could be friends with.
And if I ever planned something without her?
Guilt trip city.
I had to include her in everything, but she could keep her stuff super private. It got so bad I’d cancel plans just to avoid the unnecessary drama.
You can probably see where this is going…
Those “private” friends of hers?
A string of betrayal after betrayal.
Examples of Narcissistic Abuse:
10. Rage 😡
Going in at number 10, our grand finale of examples of narcissistic abuse, is narcissistic rage! (I feel like a Top of the Pops presenter)!
You’ll experience this anytime you threaten their tiny, precious ego. So if they feel like their self esteem is under attack, you’ll know about it! And their reaction will vary from annoyance or irritation. To full-blown aggression that could even result in physical violence.
And because narcissist’s are so self entitled and believe they deserve special treatment. If they feel disrespected, they’re going to react.
They’re underlying need is to always protect their image. So if thats at risk, they want to make sure they get on top of it. And they’ll do that by taking control over the situation and aggressively reasserting their superiority.
You see this kind of rage in You. The main character, Joe Goldberg, lashes out in anger whenever Beck (the object of his obsession), begins to pull away from him. When she questions his intentions, he’s fuming! And he reacts in violent and controlling ways.
Effects of narcissistic abuse
Obviously all these examples of narcissistic abuse – whether you experience one, a few of them, or even all of them – they’re going to have an effect.
Here’s what to expect:
Low self-worth
Narcissists can mess with how you see yourself. They constantly make you feel worthless, that over time, it leads to a really low perception of yourself. Like you feel difficult to love and that you’re always a problem.
Trust issues
It’s difficult to trust your judgement again when they’ve betrayed you so deeply. You mistrust yourself and others because you’re fearful it could happen again. So it’s hard to form healthy relationships with new people.
Anxiety and depression
The cycle of highs and lows mean you never know what to expect from the narcissist. So this makes you anxious as you don’t know how long the good times will last. You’re just on edge, always waiting for something bad to happen. And when it does, it makes you depressed because you’ve been hopeful it wouldn’t happen again. So it’s this constant flip from extreme highs to very low lows.
Physical symptoms
It’s mad, but narcissistic abuse can even show up as physical stuff. Like headaches, stomach aches and trouble sleeping. And if you’ve read The Body Keeps the Score, then you know trauma can effect you in many ways.
Difficulty making decisions
The narcissist’s whole aim is to make you fully reliant on them. So it makes sense that you become more and more dependent on them. They’ve undermined your confidence so you don’t trust your instincts anymore. And you rely on them for reassurance instead.
Feeling trapped in the relationship
This is because you’re trauma bonded (mentioned above). And that bond intensifies your feelings of fear, guilt, and shame. Which make it super hard to walk away from the relationship – even when you recognise it’s unhealthy for you.
How to recognise it:
Recognising, let alone escaping narcissistic abuse, is damn hard. And it’s not uncommon to notice it’s effects until after the relationship – like I did. So to give yourself the best possible chance, do these things:
Educate yourself
Learning about narcissistic abuse and the tactics that abusers use can help you become aware of the signs. And once you know what to look out for, it makes it easier to see the unhealthy patterns in your relationship.
Get support
Having a supportive network of friends, family, or a therapist can help you. If you have at least one safe person you can open up to, it’ll make you feel less alone. And when you’ve adequate support, you’ll feel more empowered to make those tough decisions.
Set boundaries
Setting boundaries takes time. But if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you need to start practicing putting your needs first. You need to learn that it’s ok to have standards for yourself and that you deserve to feel loved. Communicating your needs can help you gain more control over your life and well-being.
Seek safety
If you’re in immediate danger, call a local emergency number for help. If you’re not, think about calling a domestic violence hotline. Or even a local shelter who can help guide you to leave the relationship. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, these people are trained professionals who’ll give you the right advice.
Look for legal help
Depending on your situation, you may need to seek legal help to protect yourself and your children. This can be things like a restraining order, or seeking custody of your children.
Final thoughts
You can learn all you want about narcissistic abuse. But without examples of how it might look in real life, it’s tricky to relate it to your own experiences.
This abuse is subtle and can take a long time to notice. So don’t just read these examples; make sure you understand them. And then try and spot them in the TV programs and movies you watch. Because the more obvious they become to you, the greater chance you have of recognising these patterns in your own life.
You’re training yourself to pick up on red flags so they become more familiar to you. And that’ll help with your confidence too. Because you’re sharpening your instincts to detect manipulative behaviour.
So when you start dating new people, you’re more empowered to make healthier decisions for yourself. And you won’t accept anything less.
Let me know you’ve read this and comment below with the emoji of the example of narcissistic abuse you’ve experienced.