Narcissistic projection…..where do we start?
Well, let’s just say you’ve been blamed for everything that went wrong. That’s usually a sign.
What’s Narcissistic Projection?
Ultimately, it’s a defence mechanism that narcissists use. And it happens when someone projects their own negative qualities, flaws, and insecurities onto you.
Essentially, they’re projecting their issues onto you. But they’re completely oblivious that they’re doing it.
If you’re reading this, I have a feeling you may know what it feels like?
Projecting allows them to avoid responsibility for their own behaviour. Because, in their eyes, they never do wrong. It allows them to control and manipulate the people around them.
In a relationship, narcissistic projection can be harmful and can leave you feeling pretty shit, confused, guilty, and helpless.
And it’s difficult to see a way past it.
Understanding narcissistic projection in relationships
A relationship with a narcissist isn’t a normal relationship. Instead of feeling supported and loved, you’ll feel like you’re always having to prove yourself. To be worthy of them and their time.
You’ll be belittled and disregarded. Your wins won’t be celebrated, and you’ll be made to feel small and insignificant by the person who claims to love you.
The main reason narcissists use projection is to protect their own self-image and boost their ego. Their ever-so-important ego.
You’ll quickly learn if you’re in a relationship with one, their ego comes before anything else.
It’s all about control. They need and want to have power over you.
By pushing their negative qualities onto you, they can maintain a sense of superiority and grandiosity. It’s a way for them to avoid facing their own shortcomings and maintain a positive view of themselves. Whilst making you look like the bad guy!
Different Types of Narcissistic Projections
Narcissistic Projection: Blaming
They’ll blame you for their own mistakes.
I’ll give you an example.
With my ex, she would crave attention and validation from others. On nights out, she would be overly familiar with people. Grinding all over anyone that would give her attention. She’d even disappear with them for hours.
I’d confront her about her behaviour, saying that it upset me and that I didn’t think it was appropriate.
Her responses would be along the lines of “Well you wouldn’t dance with me”. Or “You’re just a jealous person”.
It was my fault she was doing that. Therefore, avoiding any responsibility for her own actions. You don’t get a sorry. In their eyes, you’re the problem. Not them and the things they say or do.
Narcissistic Projection: Shaming
Shaming projection is when a narcissist criticizes or puts you down to make themselves feel better.
Let’s say you have a new hobby you want to pursue, and you share this with your partner. It’s something you’re passionate about and excited about.
The response you’re likely to get from a narcissist is an eye roll, or some kind of condescending comment: “Your hobbies are all you care about”, “I don’t think you’d be any good at it”, “It’s a waste of time and money”.
Instead of getting support, the narcissist takes control and attempts to undermine your confidence.
They thrive off criticism, insults and guilt-tripping a tactic to ultimately get you to do what they want.
Narcissistic Projection: Denial
Denial projection involves denying their own negative qualities or actions and projecting them onto you. They refuse to acknowledge their own faults and instead blame you for their problems.
It’s a relatively common form of projection. “nope, that didn’t happen”, and “stop making things up”.
I found out my ex had been cheating, not from her, but the person she had been cheating with.
By this point, I’m ashamed to say, we’d already got back together. I had asked for honesty about what had gone on and she claimed to have given that.
I confronted her about the information I’d received, and she denied it completely. It just didn’t happen.
I knew it in my gut before and it was then getting confirmed by the other party. Yet, we were BOTH making it up.
Narcissistic Projection: Victim-blaming
Narcissists use victim-blaming projection to shift the blame onto you. They’ll accuse you of causing the problem or claim you’re overreacting.
Again, going back to when I found out my ex had cheated, it got to a point where she couldn’t deny it anymore.
She would say that I was depressed and neglected her and her needs. Or that I wasn’t giving her what she wanted at that moment. Not only that, but she started blaming the other person that she cheated with.
It was everyone else’s fault but hers.
Spotting the signs of Narcissistic projection: Trust your gut
Our gut feelings are there for a reason. Don’t ignore them – they’re trying to protect you!
Have you ever ignored or noticed these behaviour patterns?
- Blaming game: Do they point fingers at others, never owning up to their own mistakes? It’s their go-to move to avoid taking responsibility.
- Zero self-awareness: Are they blind to their own flaws? They’ll dismiss any suggestion of imperfection and act like they have it all figured out.
- Can’t handle criticism: They can’t handle even the slightest critique. They’ll flip the script, making it seem like you’re the one with the problem.
- Reality twisters: Narcissists love to bend facts and manipulate situations. They’ll mess with your mind, making you doubt what you know to be true.
- Hero or zero: One minute, they put you on a pedestal, showering you with compliments. The next, they tear you down, making you question your worth. It’s all part of their game.
- Missing empathy: Empathy? What’s that? Narcissists struggle to step into your shoes. They’re too busy obsessing over their own needs and desires.
- Master manipulators: Guilt trips, mind games, emotional blackmail—you name it. They’ll do whatever it takes to control and manipulate you.
- Larger than life: Narcissists see themselves as the centre of the universe. They believe they’re special, superior, and entitled to special treatment. Cue the eye roll.
- Excuses, excuses: Don’t expect them to own up to their actions. They’ll dodge accountability like a pro, shifting blame onto anyone but themselves.
- A rollercoaster of emotions: Brace yourself for wild mood swings. They can go from charming and charismatic to explosive anger when their ego is threatened. Like a big adult toddler.
The Narcissistic Projection Game: What’s in it for Them?
Avoiding responsibility
Projection lets narcissists do a masterful dodge, avoiding any responsibility for their own flaws. It’s like they’ve got a magical cloak of blame-shifting to protect their delicate egos.
Despite what they may let on, narcissists have fragile self-esteem. So, pushing imperfections onto you helps them avoid their own.
Perfecting their image
These self-proclaimed superheroes can’t let any chink in their armour show. Projection helps them sweep their own weaknesses under the rug while they pose as flawless angels. Where’s the fucking wings eyy!
Again, it’s all about maintaining their precious little egos. They genuinely see themselves as better than most other people. In their eyes, if they were to show weakness, they could no longer hold themselves up on that pedestal.
Manipulation
Narcissists are the ultimate puppet masters, and projection is their secret weapon. By projecting their faults onto you, or anyone else for that matter, they can pull emotional strings.
They want you to do and think what they want. To always have control.
I remember my ex really laying it on thick about how she had been cheated on so many times in the past. I really empathised and felt sorry for her that she had been treated that way.
But in doing so, in my mind, I just assumed that she would never behave that way. Because she knew what it felt like. So, I put blinkers on during the early stages of the relationship. But it was all a cover so that she could act however she wanted to.
Gaslighting and mind games
It’s all part of the narcissist’s twisted fun. Projection goes hand in hand with gaslighting, as they twist reality to make you question your own sanity. And just like that, you don’t know what’s real anymore.
I don’t know about you, but after being in the relationship for a while. I found that I doubted myself more than I doubted her. You really feel like it’s all in your head. Because they make you believe you’re fucking crazy.
So then, you end up putting up with their shit because they’ve successfully made you believe their lies.
Stealing the spotlight
Narcissists crave the spotlight and bask in adoration. By projecting their desired qualities onto you, they indirectly soak up the praise, pretending they possess those shining traits. Talk about stealing the thunder!
It’s kind of tricky this one because it can disguise itself as being supportive. So, how does it look?
Let’s say you get a promotion at work. Their responses would be something along the lines of “You’re so incredible, I knew from the moment I met you, you were destined for greatness”.
They don’t think you’re great, they think that of themselves – therefore projecting their desired traits onto you.
Avoiding the shame game
Beneath the surface, narcissists harbour deep shame and vulnerability. But you’ll never see that.
Instead of facing it like grown-ups, they project those uncomfortable feelings onto you.
They’re unable to see themselves as less than. So, they use the projection card and completely avoid their own emotions.
Has your partner ever made you feel bad about the way you look? Or picked on your weight or eating habits. The likelihood is that’s what they feel about themselves.
They need to make you feel like that so that they don’t.
The Impact of Narcissistic Projection
Self-doubt and diminished self-esteem
Constantly being subjected to the projections and criticism of a narcissistic partner will of course lead you to self-doubt. How could it not?
You’ll question your own worth, abilities, and perceptions. They want to make you feel bad about yourself so that they look better.
Narcissists want to make you feel unworthy so that you worship them. If they’re successful in doing this, they’ll know you’ll never leave. Or not easily anyway.
Emotional and psychological manipulation
Without a doubt, you’ll feel confused, devalued and emotionally drained. And the longer you’re with them, the harder it is to overcome.
I felt all over the place emotionally and didn’t even understand or recognise how I was feeling coming out of it. I didn’t trust what I was feeling for a while.
When you’ve been trained that what you’re feeling or what you need is wrong, it takes some time to adjust.
Sense of isolation
The narcissist will isolate you by making you doubt your relationships with others or by creating dependency.
My ex used to tell me all the time that my friends were using me. Or she’d try to guilt trip me when I was going out to meet them. “But I’ll be all alone” or “Can I not come with you?”
It further erodes your support system and makes it harder for you to seek help or gain an outside perspective on the situation. They don’t want you to have an outsider’s perspective because they will tell you you’re right. Or that your partner is abusive. Or tell you to leave.
If they control who you have access to then you’re even further under their spell and reliant on them for everything.
Walking on eggshells
To avoid triggering your partner’s projections or wrath, you find yourself constantly walking on eggshells, carefully monitoring your words and actions. You start to adjust your behaviour and try to predict what kind of mood they will be in.
It’s emotionally exhausting and creates a constant state of anxiety or fear.
Loss of identity and autonomy
Narcissistic partners want to control and dominate you. This results in a loss of personal identity. Your needs, desires, and autonomy are not important to them, and you’ve been consistently undermined or dismissed in favour of the narcissist’s own agenda.
Not only that, but you probably don’t have much of a social circle anymore either.
The cycle of abuse dependency
If you haven’t read up on the cycle of narcissistic abuse, I highly recommend you do. I guarantee if you’re reading this, you’ll be able to spot the patterns in your relationship.
The cycle of narcissistic projection creates a toxic dynamic within the relationship. You become increasingly dependent on the approval and validation of the narcissist. So much so, you’re not able to give it to yourself anymore. They’ve manipulated it out of you.
The dependency makes it difficult for you to break free from the relationship and seek healthier alternatives. And that’s exactly what they want!
How to Deal with Narcissistic Projection
I would say if you can get away from your narcissistic partner, then please do. They’re never going to change. You’ll only end up losing more of yourself to this person and you’ll never be wholly satisfied in the relationship.
I know it’s not always so easy and there’s often a marriage or kids involved. So here are some things that can help.
Recognise the pattern
We always say it. But reading up on narcissistic patterns can help you gain clarity in your situation. The more we understand about it, the more we can fight for ourselves.
Knowledge is power.
Validate your own feelings
It’s hard because you’ve been trained now to not believe in yourself. But trust your instincts and emotions.
That gut feeling is there for a reason. It’s protecting you despite what they may have you believe.
Don’t let the narcissist’s projections make you doubt your own experiences or feelings.
Validate yourself.
You are worthy and capable. Seek support from trusted friends, family, or a therapist who can provide an objective perspective.
Set and enforce boundaries
Establish clear boundaries to protect your emotional well-being.
Limit your interactions with the narcissist if any at all, and assertively communicate what behaviour you will not tolerate. Stick to your boundaries and avoid engaging in their manipulative tactics.
This won’t go down well. They don’t like to lose control. Make sure you are safe. If you need help on leaving and you’re not sure what to do here’s some advice.
Practice self-care
You’ve probably not been a priority for a long time. Focus on self-care and self-compassion. Don’t blame yourself for this happening or falling for them. They’re so charming at first and it’s not on you.
Engage in activities that bring you joy and boost your self-esteem. Surround yourself with positive influences and build a support network that understands and supports you.
Get back in contact with friends or join online communities. Try something new. Put yourself out there and do things for yourself.
Maintain perspective: the narcissistic projection is not your reality!
Remember that narcissistic projection reflects the narcissist’s insecurities and their need to protect their fragile ego.
It’s not a reflection of your own worth or character. Stay grounded in your own reality and don’t let their projections define you. Did you feel the same way about yourself now as you did before the relationship?
Probably not. Or they may have exploited your vulnerabilities. You are the only person that can define you.
Detach emotionally
It will be hard. But narcissists thrive on attention and emotional reactions. Don’t let them. You have control over it. Practice emotional detachment by not taking their projections personally. It’s a reflection of them.
Maintain your composure and refuse to engage in their attempts to provoke or manipulate you.
You’ll find that they’ll take your biggest insecurities and try to use them against you. Or try to destroy your character by involving other people.
They just want a reaction from you. And although it will be incredibly hard not to bite, you must remember that that’s what they want.
Focus on personal growth
Use the experience as an opportunity for self-reflection and personal growth. Develop a strong sense of self, build resilience, and work on enhancing your self-esteem and self-confidence. Put yourself first.
After all, we don’t want to repeat the pattern and have similar relationships in the future. No, thank you!!
Why seeking help is essential after dealing with narcissistic projection
First off, seeking help is like getting a big old dose of validation and support. It’s like finding your tribe of people who’ll say, “Yep, you’re not crazy, that was some fucked up shit!”
And trust me, that validation can work wonders for rebuilding your self-esteem.
But it’s not just about warm fuzzies and sympathetic head tilts. Seeking help assists you to unlock the secret code of narcissistic abuse. You’ll learn all about their sneaky tactics, gaslighting, and emotional manipulation and how they succeed at it.
You’ll get a masterclass in recognising their mind games, so you won’t fall for their bullshit anymore. You become the boss of setting boundaries and saying, “Nope, not today, Sir!”
And let’s not forget the best part: healing and recovery. Seeking help from a therapist or peer support group will ultimately guide you to heal those emotional wounds. It’s your support network for reclaiming your self-worth, rebuilding your confidence, and stepping into a brighter future. So why wait? Grab that help, embrace the journey, and let yourself shine!