Post Infidelity Stress Disorder, or PISD – the cherry on top of your relationship dramas!
It’s like PTSD, but the cheater causes your trauma. Talk about adding insult to injury!
Love feels safe and cosy until betrayal shatters that illusion and destroys your trust.
And your mental health will take a nosedive – like you wouldn’t believe. A total mashup of emotions to go through.
If you’ve experienced it before, then you know exactly what i’m talking about.
The shock, the heartbreak, them stabbing you in the back – it’s an exhausting loop of pain.
Cheating is such a big, fat, betrayal, that I bet you’ve dealt with post infidelity stress disorder.
But you probably didn’t know that your brain imagining all the worst-case scenarios. And replaying all the terrible memories, is the stress disorder.
And you’ll understand why in just a mo…
It’s Not Uncommon For Narcissists to Cheat
With narcissists, there’s a lot of behind-the-scenes control, like cheating. So even if you suspect it happening, they’re not going to come clean. They’ll probably gaslight you instead.
They’ve no empathy so lying isn’t complicated for them. Same goes for guilt, it doesn’t hang over them like it would for you and me.
They’ve also got this constant need for maintaining power. And cheating on a strong woman, is powerful to them.
People equals supply to them. So if their needs feel unmet, they’ll be sure to get it somewhere else.
And I know not all narcissists cheat, but they’ve a higher tendency to. And they do it for these reasons:
- For supply
- To inflate their ego
- They’ve no self-control
- They feel entitled to
- For the thrill of it
- They don’t feel empathy
What’s Post Infidelity Stress Disorder?
Finding out someone you loved has cheated on you, taints every lasting memory you had of them. Because the person you thought you knew, no longer exists. And your relationship feels like a complete and utter waste of your unconditional love.
And that love you once felt for them, quickly turns to anger, humiliation and intense regret. Which all amounts to:
Post Infidelity Stress Disorder – “a type of anxiety disorder that develops out of extreme stress in the aftermath of learning that a significant other has been unfaithful”.
Infidelity can feel like an “attack” because it’s a wilful act. So your perception of safety within the relationship feels threatened “betrayal feels so intentional; we take it so personally. So the whole self has to be rebuilt” (Debi Silber – video below).
Feeling unsafe prompts your brain to release stress chemicals. Even though the discovery of infidelity is over, you can still think about it. So when you do, the brain simultaneously fires stress hormones that it’s not safe, further ingraining the hurtful memories in your mind.
“When our relationships break down” (Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score), the nervous system is triggered and responds accordingly to preempt the same trauma from happening again.
Post infidelity stress disorder heightens your sensitivity; you’re constantly fighting off any threats to defend against further hurt. So your extreme emotional response is your brain reacting in fight mode to protect you.
The neurochemical responses occur unconsciously without our control, “leaving our conscious, rational capacities to catch up later, often well after the threat is over” (Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score).
Post Infidelity Stress Disorder and PTSD
Post Infidelity Stress Disorder is similar to PTSD, but it’s not an official diagnosis yet. However, researchers have acknowledged a direct correlation between the symptoms experienced.
The unbearable revelation of an unfaithful partner can shock the system (PISD). And the stress can feel overwhelming and relentless for you, much like experiencing a one-off traumatic incident (PTSD).
What are the Symptoms of Post Infidelity Stress Disorder?
What makes Post Infidelity Stress Disorder so relentless is that your awareness of the betrayal influences your present life. So the pieces of memory awaken your physical senses to respond to the psychological effects, like flashbacks.
And until you deal with betrayal trauma, the protective stress hormones will continually release with the memories. So, the psychological symptoms will stick around (Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score).
You feel stalked by your thoughts, like they won’t leave you alone. Reliving all the possible scenarios of infidelity, the signs you ignored and missed. It feels obsessive and like you’re mentally self-harming whenever an unpleasant flashback enters your mind.
If you know something’s not right with you, don’t wait to hit rock bottom before you reach out for support. You know your body and mind better than anyone else. So if you don’t feel ok, you’re probably not.
And i’m sure you’ve noticed that repressing your feelings, doesn’t make them go away. They just keep coming back and look like this:
Post Infidelity Stress Disorder Symptoms
Increased anxiety and sensitivity
Anxious about new romantic relationships and hypervigilant to red flags, like suspicious phone activity.
Intrusive thoughts and images
Repetitive flashbacks and reliving the betrayal, like obsessively re-evaluating your relationship and looking out for past signs of potential cheating.
Emotional distress
You don’t know what to think, feel or do about it. So it’s difficult to understand where to begin healing the damage.
Self-doubt
“How did I not know?”, “Am I a bad judge of character?”, “Was it my fault?”, “Did I do something to deserve this?”
Feelings of rejection and abandonment
Infidelity feels like intentional hurt, so it can make you feel abandoned and worthless.
Intense rage
Anger towards your unfaithful partner for lying and betraying you.
Embitterment
A lingering desire for revenge on the person who did this to you, a need for justice.
Destructive behaviours
Like, drinking, smoking or taking drugs; to help better cope with the hurt.
Deep sadness and hurt
Grieving the person you thought loved you, that you felt safe with.
Humiliation
Feeling embarrassed that you were unaware of their cheating and paranoid if others knew.
Difficulty trusting again
Hesitant of trusting new partners and yourself — worried you can’t trust your judgement of character.
Sleep problems
This leads to a lack of concentration, low energy levels and motivation to do things to help you feel better, like exercise.
How PTSD from infidelity affects your mental health
Your mental health takes a real beating when cheating’s at play. And if your partner’s a narcissist as well as a cheat, then thats going to be a lot for you to digest.
You’ll react self-destructively, probably shag a couple of guys you shouldn’t – anything to feel wanted again.
But these things happen when you begin mourning a life you thought you had. Everything you knew to be true, now feels like a lie and you feel like a complete fool for a long time.
And it feels embarrassing remembering the memories of how loving you were to them. That thoughtful note you wrote them, the breakfast you treated them to, or the compliment you paid them. All the while your partner was shacking up with someone else behind your back.
And they hide it so well too, there’s not an ounce of guilt to be seen. So, you’re none the wiser.
But you can always trust your part of the relationship. Because you know you loved them, and thats why you believed them for so long. Their deceit, doesn’t rob you of your truth.
But it does make you question everything, like:
Did other people know?
Were there multiple infidelities?
How frequently did it happen?
Did they ever feel guilty?
The overwhelming unanswered questions only amount to endless strings of hypothetical scenarios. But your rational thinking gets overpowered by your negative thoughts. The powerlessness you feel from being cheated on, feels more controlling than your conscious awareness. So you can’t just stop it.
You’re grieving. And grief is related to loss:
The loss of what you believed to be true, what you’d hoped for and the potential you saw.
So these losses have to be processed in order to move on.
How PTSD From Infidelity Affects you Physically
It not only hurts emotionally but physically too. Stress surfaces in many ways: loss of appetite, unsettled sleep, headaches, stomach aches.
And you can’t ignore, or put off the potential physical side effects of infidelity too, like STDs. So get yourself to a sexual health clinic ASAP.
It’s always uncomfortable to get quizzed by a nurse on your latest sexcapades! But it’s better to know your outcome then to stew about it.
And hey, it might be as promising as my negative result: just the odd stress-induced-haemorrhoid! I tell you, I was relieved to only leave with a prescription for fibre that day!
So in all seriousness, I do want to highlight the effects stress can have on you. Especially if you’re mixing it with poor nutrition and cigarettes! It won’t be sustainable for long, and you’ll need to start taking proper care of yourself again. Trust me, you don’t want to be dealing with haemorrhoids at the ripe age of 29!
How Long Does Post Infidelity Stress Disorder Last?
How long’s a piece of string?
It’s impossible to answer how long PISD could last. Although a traumatic incident finishes, there’s no expiry date with PISD. Unfortunately, the memories of it outlive it’s significance.
There’s no predictability when it comes to intrusive thoughts or images. They can enter your sleeping or waking brain at any time, and it’s unknown how long they can last. There’s several factors at play…
The Impact of Post Infidelity Stress Disorder is Dependent on:
- Past experiences, such as your history with previous trauma and how you dealt with it
- Your current mental state, whether you suffer from depression, for example
- How close your emotional bond was with your partner
- Whether the betrayal was committed by someone you knew, like a friend
- The extent of the infidelity, whether it was multiple partners or if it lasted a long time
- If you try to stay together and make it work with the perpetrator
- Your capacity for forgiveness
Admittedly I spent a lot of time obsessing over my ex-partner’s cheating. Sure we were over, but that didn’t stop it from hurting any less. It completely blindsided me, which is why I think it had such a negative impact on me.
My perception of him couldn’t have been more wrong. I felt so ashamed that I didn’t know and that I didn’t have the opportunity to stop it. There was so much to consider. But I had to make peace with no answers and figure out what I needed for closure.
How to deal with Post Infidelity Stress Disorder
Dealing with infidelity is no easy task. But it’s crucial to face the pain to recover from it.
If flashbacks reoccur, the connecting stress hormones release with them, further intensifying their impact on the mind. Their dominance makes them hard to ignore and feels unmanageable when you experience them. The outcome makes you feel ashamed and different from others. This leads to squashing your true feelings and denying the cause of them.
But speaking from experience, the longer I ignored what was going on, the greater the likelihood my triggers resurfaced. So it’s essential to gauge what might be setting off your reactions. Once you understand their significance, you can begin to heal them.
8 Tips to Help you Deal With Post Infidelity Stress Disorder
Healing takes slow adjustments over time and if you think there’s a quick fix — there isn’t! But there are lots of helpful things you can do to help deal with PISD:
- Try not to blame yourself. You are only in control of your feelings, and you can’t control the actions of others. So there’s no use in thinking you were the reason they cheated; their behaviour has nothing to do with you.
- Rebuild trust in yourself. Betrayal demolishes your faith in trust and love, and it takes time to build it back up again.
- Practice replacing your negative thoughts with positive ones. So, think how much happier you could be instead of feeling bleak about your future without them.
- Take part in activities that help you feel good and be present, like meditation, exercise and socialising. Eating healthy and nourishing foods can also aid your temperament.
- Shift the energy onto you and what you want for yourself. Framing your mind to think about goals you want for yourself helps refocus your attention away from them.
- Sit in your unpleasant feelings and let yourself grieve; know that they will pass. Avoiding them only brings them back stronger. You’ve been through trauma; you’re allowed to feel sad.
- Surround yourself with a supportive network of people that you’re comfortable opening up to. Finding people who can empathise with your situation and have been through it themselves, helps normalise the situation. It can promote a hopeful recovery to see them through the worst.
- Journal your daily thoughts. Writing your emotions down on paper can relieve them from your mind and help you process them. Having a diary to reference also highlights how far you’ve come. Write down three things you’re grateful for daily; it helps promote a positive frame of mind.
How to Treat Post Infidelity Stress Disorder
The aftermath of infidelity can be a tricky and long road to recover from. But the quicker you establish what’s going on, the faster you can begin your healing.
Here’s What you can do to Help:
Therapy
A therapist guides you to navigate all your messy emotions. But they also offer up expert advice for how to heal.
Through therapy, you’ll be validated and normalised which’ll make you feel less isolated. It’s a safe haven where you can freely express your thoughts and escape the constant whirlwind in your mind.
Take up a new hobby
Ever thought about trying something new? Consider Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu (BJJ). It’s more than just a physical activity; it’s a way to reclaim your strength and confidence.
After discovering my ex’s infidelity, I felt weak and defenceless, but BJJ changed that. It gave me a distraction and forced me to stay present (or risk getting choked out)!
But it also introduced me to an amazing group of women who made me feel like I belonged. As a bonus, it led me to a breath coach who taught me how to calm my nervous system, just through breathing.
Breath-work
Understanding how trauma affects your breathing can be a game-changer.
Before I explored breath-work, I didn’t realise that my breathing worsened my C-PTSD symptoms. Relentless thoughts can feel like an unstoppable force, triggering panic. And the overthinking drains you, leaving you anxious and disrupting your natural breath. Which of course, makes everyday situations feel even more stressful.
So by learning to breathe efficiently and slowly, you can calm your nervous system. As well as reduce your anxiety.
Exercises to help bring you into the present moment
When flashbacks and intrusive thoughts threaten to consume you, it’s essential to bring yourself back to the present.
And you can do that with meditation. But you can also try more active techniques. Like challenging yourself to list the colours of the rainbow and spotting them in your current surroundings. Or even engaging your senses by identifying five things you can see, hear, touch, smell, or taste.
All these exercises redirect your focus from the noise inside your head, to the here and now. And in just a few minutes, you can start to escape the chaos.
Somatic Healing
Soma, meaning body, is a body led approach to healing. So if talking about your trauma with a therapist just feels too overwhelming right now, there are other things you can try.
Regulate is a 10-week somatic healing program that teaches you how your trauma has affected you. But also supports you to make the changes you need to end your suffering.
You’ll learn the skills to reset your nervous system, so you can feel more empowered and less like you’re hiding away from life. So rather than pushing your disturbing emotions away, you can be shown how to process them safely.
This top down and bottom up approach, can be done from the comfort of your home, without any judgement. Which is perfect if you don’t feel ready to reach out for support yet, but still want to take the next step to heal.
*A wee disclosure: there are affiliate links on this page. That just means if you click on a link – and follow through with buying it – i’ll make a commission. Don’t worry, you won’t pay any extra and sometimes you might even get a cheeky discount! Click here for more info.
Lasting Thoughts
While infidelity can mentally scar you, it doesn’t have to ruin you forever. Some people choose to stay and make it work with their partners. But I was luckily already out and away from my toxic relationship. Perhaps that made my healing easier on me as I never had the option to make it work.
I can’t comment on the impact of infidelity when you decide to stay. But maybe you have experiences with that, and you’d like to share them below. I personally believe you can never make it work with a cheating narcissist; why would you want to?
For me, the healthiest thing was being as far away as possible from my ex. I feel like infidelity is too big a betrayal for me ever to forgive and move past on. So along with the narcissistic abuse, it was a double blow for me to deal with. But I used the shock of the betrayal to motivate me to stay away from him forever!
The biggest battle you face is becoming aware of your circumstances; spotting narcissistic abuse is difficult. They’re professionals in their field and will use every manipulative tool to control you. But once you’ve the awareness, you can start to take action.
If you’re unsure you’re in a narcissistic abusive relationship and (or) have been cheated on, then please feel free to reach out for support.