Here’s a list of common narcissistic abuse definitions. And if you want to dive deeper into a specific term, simply click on the “Find Out More” button for a full blog on the subject. Sallt Sisters is here to make learning about these important topics easy and accessible for you. Get in touch if you think a word needs to be added and i’ll get right on to it.
ABANDONMENT
Narcissists often display abandonment in the discard stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle. So it’s when they desert you either emotionally, withholding feelings or physically, leaving you permanently or temporarily.
ACCUSATION
To charge or claim that a person has done something illicit or dishonourable. It can also be a form of projection (see below), e.g. they accuse you of cheating when they’re actually the ones doing it to you.
BAITING
Intentionally “winding you up” to provoke a response.
COGNITIVE DISSONANCE
The feeling of having two opposing beliefs simultaneously, usually as a result of narcissistic gaslighting. This is when you believe what the abuser is saying, over what the you’re feeling. Which causes you to distrust yourself over the abuser.
DARVO
DARVO is a common manipulation tactic used by abusers, especially when confronted with their own harmful behaviour. It stands for:
Deny – when confronted with allegations, they immediately deny any wrongdoing.
Attack – they discredit their accusers to make them look like they’re liars, or can’t be trusted.
Reverse Victim and Offender – they literally reverse the situation to make it look like the reactor (the victim), is actually the abuser (the offender). So, they position themselves as the victim, claiming that they’re the target of the attack and they’re trying to be brought down. They’re tying to make it seem like they’re the one being harmed instead. [Learned from @lalalaletmeexplain].
FAUXPOLOGY
A fake apology, lacking any genuine sincerity and usually said to achieve the desired outcome. Narcissists use it often as a hoovering tactic.
FLYING MONKEYS
A term used to describe people who the narcissist gets to do their dirty work. These could be friends, family, or anyone else connected to them. The narcissist convinces their “helpers” to harass, manipulate, or keep tabs on the victim. The term comes from “The Wizard of Oz,” where the Wicked Witch had flying monkeys do her bidding. So it’s the narcissist using people to make their victim’s life harder, like spreading rumours, or pressuring them to go back to their narcissist. And what this does, is it further invalidates the victim’s feelings and emotions because they’re flying monkeys all support what their narcissist says.
GASLIGHTING
A manipulation tactic used to make the victim question their reality. Abusers convince the victim that what they’re thinking/feeling isn’t real, in their head, or nonexistent. Present in the devalue and discard stages of abuse.
GHOSTING
To disappear without a trace or warning. Narcissists commonly use it in the discard stage of abuse.
GRANDIOSITY
The belief of the abuser that they’re superior over everyone. They have an inflated ego and sense of self and believe that everyone else is inferior to them.
HOOVERING
Think of a vacuum sucking you back into the abuse cycle using love-bombing tactics and fauxpologies. Intermittent hoovering throughout the cycle makes you think that they care for you and are a good person.
LEARNED HELPLESSNESS
What a victim will experience as a response to repetitive painful motives. They start to believe they have no control over their situation and so give up fighting against it.
LOVE BOMBING
The abuser uses constant, intense flattery, fake acts of kindness, rushed intimacy, and generosity to groom the victim into trusting them, predominantly seen in the idealisation stage of abuse.
NARCISSIST
I’m going to echo what Dr Ramani says about narcissists. And that’s to not get hung up on the personality disorder itself. Because we’re not psychologists who’ve the authority to diagnose someone anyway. So think of it as a personality style, a person who has narcissistic qualities.
It’s no different to labelling someone as empathetic; we’re describing them, not diagnosing them.
Other terms you might hear for them too: Nex (narcissistic ex) and Narc (short for narcissist).
NPD
Stands for: Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The ones who are actually diagnosed narcissists. So they know they have it and are aware of it. But this is a very small percentage of people.
NARCISSISTIC FOG
F – Fear O – Obligation G – Guilt. Abuser pursues to instil these into the victim through various strategies to reinforce narcissistic supply.
NARCISSISTIC MIRRORING
The abuser will mimic the victim to form a “deep bond”. They create the illusion that you have similar goals, morals, interests, and humour. Used in the idealisation stage of abuse.
NARCISSISTIC SUPPLY
Refers to the attention, admiration, or validation that a narcissist craves to boost their self-esteem and maintain their sense of superiority.
NO CONTACT (NC)
Actively stopping them from ever contacting you again. So blocking their phone number, email, social media profiles or any other apps (like Amazon shared accounts). You’re removing all their access to you as best as you can to help protect yourself from further harm.
LOW CONTACT (LC)
Minimising contact with them as much as possible, like only talking to them through email for example. Because if you have kids, you may have to stay in contact with them still. So it’s limiting contact with them in a way that gives you some control back.
PITY PLAYS
Abusers display pity plays to trigger the victim’s empathy and compassion to feel sorry for them about a situation. They know that narcissists easily manipulate the victim’s feelings, so they use this to their advantage. Also, they use it as a hoovering tactic, following the devalue and discard stage of the cycle.
PROJECTION
When the abuser shifts the blame of a situation onto someone else. They don’t hold themselves accountable for anything which would dismantle their superiority complex. Hence, they never admit they’re wrong and all their defects are projected on to you.
SELF GASLIGHTING
Self gaslighting can result from being frequently gaslit. It helps to deal with any negative feelings of cognitive dissonance that might surface. Moreover, it helps the individual self-soothe volatile circumstances. For example, you might repress and dismiss any details that don’t align with your feelings and beliefs like, “I’m probably being too sensitive and overreacting”.
SELF REGULATING
To manage your own unsettling emotions, thoughts and behaviours, particularly to influence a future goal. For example, if you value your relationship, you’ll work harder to keep it going. Self-regulation encourages you to adapt your behaviour accordingly and prevents you from acting before thinking. Narcissists will try to influence self-regulation as a way of controlling you.
SMEAR CAMPAIGNS
The abuser will intentionally convey false information about you with the hope of further isolating, discrediting, and controlling you. It usually involves convincing other people to adopt their same beliefs, so you’re outnumbered.
SOUL-MATE EFFECT
During the love-bombing phase, the abuser creates the illusion that they’re your soul-mate. As a result, they gain your trust whilst simultaneously blurring the boundaries. This is usually a precursor to the devalue stage.
STONEWALLING
The intentional withholding of information/feelings/emotions. A narcissistic technique used when confronted with issues they don’t want to deal with. The narcissist will shut down and avoid any method you choose to try to engage with them. The effect of stonewalling is similar to gaslighting as it is a form of manipulation. It helps the abuser gain control by encouraging you to chase them to respond to you. Therefore, you avoid any subject that could trigger their stonewalling reaction in the long term.
TRAUMA BONDING
Where the individual “bonds” to their abuser, due to their intermittent positive and negative reinforcement. It emerges from a recurring pattern of abuse mixed with kindness. And leaves the victim feeling bound to their abuser for emotional comfort.
TRIANGULATION
Another word for the involvement of third parties used to isolate the victim further and discredit their experience of abuse.