“Am I dating a narcissist?” is a question posed by many as awareness increases around emotional abuse. If you’re asking yourself this question take a look below at the common red flags. Let’s see if you can gain some clarity over your situation.
What is NPD?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a mental disorder characterised by an increased sense of self, inability to take criticism, insistent need for admiration and praise. Narcissists will also lack empathy and guilt.
It’s a common misconception that people with NPD genuinely believe in their superiority over others, but they have very low self-esteem. They need a constant stream of admiration and praise to uphold their belief that they are excellent in every sense. If they cease to get this from you, or you no longer give them what they need, they will seek another source of supply and discard you.
They feed off your emotions, which supplies them with the admiration they desire. But unfortunately, their gaslighting and other manipulative tactics leech you of your self-esteem and leave you vulnerable to their control.
Knowing they can rule your way of thinking thrills their toxic personalities with more superiority over you. Their goal is to have you attain their every need whilst being wholly reliant on them.
While we may refer to someone having narcissistic qualities frequently, diagnosis can be difficult because they believe they are not the problem and would not reach out for help.
Narcissists can never be made accountable when people don’t witness the same abusive behaviours that you do. It’s impossible to diagnose them when you can’t get them to be seen by a therapist. It would be even worse if you did — they’re master manipulators so you would end up looking like the abuser instead!
What’s more, when confronted, they play the victim or will deny fault — it’s always someone else who’s the problem.
Not everyone with narcissistic tendencies is a narcissist
It’s important to remember that some people may show signs of one or two of these red flags. These singularly don’t make people you encounter a narcissist; we all have some tendencies to be a little self-indulgent. However, if a person displays most of these signs, you are likely dealing with a narcissist. Therefore, I would advise staying well away from creating personal relationships with these people.
12 Red Flags You’re Dating a Narcissist
Entitlement
The majority of Narcissists believe they are better than others and should be treated accordingly. They also expect people to meet their demands, no matter how unreasonable they are. They expect visible upgrades in a multitude of environments as a way of soothing their fragile ego, such as demanding the best seat at a restaurant or getting upgraded to business class on a flight.
🚩 Am I dating a narcissist? Red flag early on
The best places to notice this kind of behaviour is to watch how they treat; service staff, waiters, flight attendants, sales assistants etc. Anyone that they think should serve them. If their needs are not met, they can act with anger, rage, contempt, or pure confusion. As an onlooker, this can be a very embarrassing situation to find yourself in, and you may often find yourself apologising on their behalf.
Rageful
It is common for narcissists to have a fiery temper, especially if you criticise them. They have very fragile egos and are hypersensitive, so they tend to react with rage if they feel threatened or defensive by something you’ve said or done. Different to anger, which can be a healthy response to hurtful situations, rage can appear to come out of nowhere and is a disproportionate response to a given situation. It escalates quickly and can abruptly turn to violence and aggression.
🚩 Am I dating a narcissist? Red flag early on
This behaviour can be easier to spot and doesn’t necessarily have to be directed at you. Look out for unreasonable responses to situations, like being cut up at a junction on the road or how they respond to being told something they don’t want to hear.
Grandiosity
Everything with a Narcissist will be fabricated into something more significant than it’s ever going to be. In terms of a relationship, they will flaunt the idea of the “perfect love story” and sell this to you through love bombing and flattery at the start. Of course, this is not maintainable, and they will inevitably become disappointed with the reality of the relationship.
They will want to maintain a certain level of perceived notoriety with flashy cars, exotic holidays and the most expensive clothing. All of this feeds into their need to be seen as more extraordinary or more successful than anyone else. They will often lie or exaggerate their achievements, how much money they make, how big their house is or how talented they are.
It doesn’t just have to relate to material possessions but also their sense of self. They live in a fantasy world and feel that their very existence has more importance than anyone else’s.
🚩 Am I dating a narcissist? Red flag early on
Are they bragging about themselves, their money or their achievements in life? Are they trying to sell you a fantasy love story? Make sure they’re not putting you on a pedestal to reel you in. You will be very disappointed in the fairytale they are selling you.
The constant need for validation and admiration
It’s is one of the fundamental factors that motivates the narcissist’s inflated ego. They require an unreasonable amount of praise in anything they achieve whilst also needing your full attention at all times. Narcissists are incredibly insecure and need this constant reassurance to maintain their inflated self-image.
They struggle to be alone because no one is there to build them up. Therefore, if no one is around physically to give them this, the narcissist would resort to social media. It’s the best way to gain admiration without having to return it. They thrive off praise and need to be appreciated frequently. They build superficial relationships based on perceived success, attractiveness, achievements and life goals. Therefore, social media is an effective way to gain the supply they need.
🚩 Am I dating a narcissist? Red flag early on
Are they frequently active on social media and like sharing every detail of their daily life? Do they get disheartened if they don’t get many likes?
Note: Not everyone active on social media is narcissistic, especially with how it’s evolved for business purposes or how prevalent it is with the younger generations. It would be best if you looked at it within a larger context.
Manipulative
Narcissists are highly manipulative and cunning individuals who will do anything to control others. They are exceptional at bending any situation to get what they want. Once they have captivated their partner by love bombing, flattery, perceived acts of kindness and future faking, they then turn to gaslighting, nitpicking, projection, intimidation, triangulation, insults, name-calling and isolation, all to control you.
You will then put all your energy into gaining back the ‘love and devotion’ they seemed to have at the beginning of the relationship, therefore, feeding their need to be admired and put on a pedestal. If you no longer meet their needs or give them enough attention, they will find a new supply source elsewhere.
🚩 Am I dating a narcissist? Red flag early on
Do they lavish you with attention then disappear? Listen if they make excuses for their behaviour. For example, “I’m under a lot of stress, so I exploded”. See how they respond when they don’t get what they want from you. Do they belittle you or make you feel bad?
Paranoid/Jealous
They have the idea that everyone is out to take advantage of them because they envy them and their life. This is again a reflection on their fragile ego. Their paranoia may also surface in questioning your fidelity or loyalty to them as a partner. Do they accuse you of cheating or not supporting their dreams? Do they expect you to answer the phone immediately, and if you don’t, you’re up to no good, but at the same time, if they don’t answer all day, it’s because they’re busy?
Narcissists are constantly comparing themselves to others, so they are chronically reliant on the opinions of others; because of this, they don’t form an inner sense of self. For them, the ultimate betrayal is to be replaced by someone better than them.
They are paranoid about this type of behaviour because they are more than happy to do it themselves.
🚩 Am I dating a narcissist? Red flag early on
Do they consistently hide their phone, tablet or PC. Or guard excessively with passwords? Do they ask you endless questions about your day, who you were with or what you were doing whilst giving little insight into their own?
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is the perfect weapon in a narcissist’s toolbelt; it assists them in diminishing others, gaining power, convincing other people you’re mistaken, all whilst feeding their delusional visions of themselves.
They will aim to make you lose your sense of self, identity, and perception of reality to make you feel replaceable and ultimately reliant on them for reassurance. A Narcissist tends to do this over more extended periods so that you become reliant on them for reassurance. It happens so subtly you don’t know it is occurring. But over time, as perceived trust is built in the relationship, the frequency increases and intensifies.
🚩 Am I dating a narcissist? Red flag early on
You notice they lie about little things or deny that they ever did or said something. They’ll insist you or others are crazy or project their behaviours onto you or other people. They will wear you down and use what is dear to you as ammunition against you. If you’re feeling confused or notice their words don’t match their actions, then stay well away.
Lack of Empathy
They have an inherent inability to recognise the feelings and experiences of others. So, they wouldn’t care or even necessarily notice if they said something that upset you or did something to hurt you. Your response to their actions couldn’t be further off the radar for a narcissist. All that matters to these individuals is their feelings and emotions.
If they are sad, they will assume everyone around them is also sad, but if you are unhappy, you are draining them. If they are not feeling something themselves, then it does not exist. A narcissist would be more than happy to launch long dialogues about their experiences or emotions without any input from the other party. Still, if you bring up your issues, they are disinterested and visibly bored.
🚩 Am I dating a narcissist? Red flag early on
Notice if they are listening to you when you speak; if they don’t hear you in the beginning, it’s setting a precedent for the rest of the relationship. Likewise, if they don’t engage fully in a topic when it’s not about them, it can show they have little or no interest in it.
Lack of Guilt
Because a Narcissist lacks empathy, it is assumed that they also do not feel guilt. They’re not aware they have hurt someone’s feelings, so why would they feel guilty about it? If they have done something where someone perceives they have hurt them, a narcissist will see it as having their needs met regardless of how that affected them. They are just collateral damage on their path to “success”. They will pray on our forgiving nature when they are called out for something by offering fauxpologies, but these lack any genuine sincerity. To them, it will just be something that is said to achieve the desired outcome, e.g. to get you back.
🚩 Am I dating a narcissist? Red flag early on
Do they not take responsibility for minor mishaps? If they have a dismissive attitude in the light of something that’s hurt you, then they probably really don’t care.
Emotionally distant
Narcissists tend to be void of any genuine emotions but are impeccable at imitating them. They can easily express humour or rage, but they come up short when it comes to anything more than surface-level affections. This often occurs through their lack of empathy, so they come across as distant and cold. They don’t have the ability or find it incredibly difficult to self regulate their own emotions, so they would also not have the capability of tapping into someone else’s. As a result, you will feel a lack of comfort or understanding from an emotionally distant partner, and it’s an isolating experience.
🚩 Am I dating a narcissist? Red flag early on
This may be difficult to catch early on, but if they are disinterested or detached at the beginning when discussing deeper topics, they will be showing you that’s all they have to offer.
Deflecting and Projection
Do you constantly feel like everything wrong in your relationship is your fault? Narcissists have a tendency to place blame on others as they try to deflect attention from their wrongdoings. They often manipulate you (gaslight) into thinking that you’re the cause of all your problems, making you feel like you need to walk on eggshells to avoid confrontation with them. On the other hand, they will give you their bare minimum to the relationship as they don’t want you to grow; your growth hinders them from controlling you further.
It’s a psychological trick to avert your attention, e.g.The partner who is cheating will, in turn, accuse the other of cheating. It’s not just isolated to infidelity, but anything that makes the narcissist feel threatened. For example, suppose they’re concerned they’re not making enough money. In that case, they will flip that and project it onto you that you are not working hard enough or are not successful enough.
🚩 Am I dating a narcissist? Red flag early on
Monitor the times you’re accused of behaviours, step back and analyse the situation. Have you done the things you’re accused of, or have they come out of nowhere? This can give you insight into narcissists’ vulnerabilities and weaknesses and what they may accuse you of in the future.
In conclusion – Am I dating a narcissist?
If you can apply most of these to your relationship in question, it is likely, you are dealing with a narcissist. At this point, you must establish what you need and want out of the relationship. Do you want more emotional stability? Would you like to be no longer accused of certain behaviours?
If it’s early on in the relationship, I highly recommend staying away. Narcissists are charismatic at first, but it is honestly not worth the psychological torment you could be facing down the line.
Already with a narcissist?
Suppose you’re unlucky enough to already be in a relationship with one. In that case, it’s important to reevaluate what you want in the future. Reach out to us if you need support or want to chat with someone. Unfortunately, we’ve been through the process, and having someone to talk to who understands is beyond helpful.
People with NPD very rarely change permanently; they may love-bomb you again for a few weeks or months. Still, inevitably their behaviour will fall back into their self-soothing patterns. So, where possible, I would seriously consider assessing the relationship and if you can leave, then leave. Ultimately you deserve someone who makes you feel loved wholly and not just based on what a narcissist can get from you.
It’s all take take take and very little give in a relationship with a narcissist, and it will most likely always remain that way.
Still unsure?
Take this quiz to see if you can apply the above criteria to your relationship:
https://hernorm.com/quiz/am-i-dating-a-narcissist/
Do you think you have experienced emotional abuse, or maybe you are currently in a toxic relationship?
Get in touch if you want to speak to us; we can relate to you and support you. Comment below and open up the discussion.
Alternatively, if you prefer to get in touch privately, please email us at: info@salltsisters.com