Abandonment
Narcissists often display abandonment in the discard stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle. So it’s when they desert you either emotionally, withhold feelings, or physically leave you permanently or temporarily.
Accusation
To charge or claim that a person has done something illicit or dishonourable. It can also be a form of projection (see below), e.g. they accuse you of cheating when they’re actually the ones doing it to you.
Baiting
Intentionally “winding you up” to provoke a response.
Boundaries
Your personal rules about what you will and won’t accept from others. When someone crosses those lines, you get to decide how to respond.
Narcissists disrespect boundaries because they limit their control over you. So expect them to push back hard when you start to set them.
Codependent
A pattern of behaviour where you become overly focused on controlling or fixing someone else’s problems whilst completely neglecting your own needs. It’s when your sense of self-worth becomes entirely dependent on being needed by others — even when those relationships are unhealthy or one-sided.
Cognitive Dissonance
The feeling of having two opposing beliefs simultaneously, usually as a result of narcissistic gaslighting. This is when you believe what the abuser is saying, over what the you’re feeling. Which causes you to distrust yourself over the abuser.
DARVO
DARVO is a common manipulation tactic used by abusers, especially when confronted with their own harmful behaviour. It stands for:
Deny – when confronted with allegations, they immediately deny any wrongdoing.
Attack – they discredit their accusers to make them look like they’re liars, or can’t be trusted.
Reverse Victim and Offender – they literally reverse the situation to make it look like the reactor (the victim), is actually the abuser (the offender). So, they position themselves as the victim, claiming that they’re the target of the attack and they’re trying to be brought down. They’re tying to make it seem like they’re the one being harmed instead. [Learned from @lalalaletmeexplain].
Fauxpology
A fake apology, lacking any genuine sincerity and usually said to achieve a desired outcome. Narcissists often use it as a hoovering tactic.
Flying Monkeys
A term used to describe people who the narcissist gets to do their dirty work. These could be friends, family, or anyone else connected to them. The narcissist convinces their “helpers” to harass, manipulate, or keep tabs on the victim.
The term comes from “The Wizard of Oz,” where the Wicked Witch had flying monkeys do her bidding. So it’s the narcissist using people to make their victim’s life harder, like spreading rumours, or pressuring them to go back to their narcissist. And what this does, is it further invalidates the victim’s feelings and emotions because they’re flying monkeys all support what their narcissist says.
Gaslighting
When someone deliberately makes you question your own reality and sanity. They’ll flat-out deny things that happened, tell you that you misheard or misunderstood, or twist events to make you feel like you’re going mad. Over time, you start doubting yourself so much that you rely on them to tell you what’s “real” —which is exactly what they want.
Ghosting
To disappear without a trace or warning. Narcissists commonly use it in the discard stage of abuse. (See also silent treatment).
Grandiosity
An inflated sense of self-importance where someone genuinely believes they’re better, smarter, or more special than everyone else. They think normal rules don’t apply to them and expect constant admiration and special treatment because they believe everyone else is inferior to them.
Grey Rock Method
Is a technique to use with narcissists where you act as boring and unresponsive as a rock! Narcissists feed off drama, reactions, and emotional responses. They want to see you get upset, angry, or defensive because they feed off your reactions.
So grey rocking means you become completely bland and un-reactive. You give one-word answers, don’t share personal information, don’t rise to their bait when they try to wind you up. You basically become so boring that they lose interest and move on to find drama elsewhere.
For example, instead of getting into an argument when they make a snide comment, you just say “okay” or “right” and don’t engage further. Instead of explaining yourself or defending your choices, you give neutral responses like “that’s interesting” or “I’ll think about it.”
The grey rock method is a strategy to protect yourself when you can’t completely cut contact with a narcissist. Like if they’re a co-parent, colleague, or family member you have to see occasionally.
Hoovering
When a narcissist tries to “suck” you back into their world after discarding you. They’ll suddenly show up with apologies, love bombing, gifts, or promises to change. It’s designed to pull you back in when you’re starting to move on or heal, because they’ve lost control over you.
The intermittent hoovering throughout the cycle also makes you think that they care for you and are a good person.
Learned Helplessness
When you stop trying to fight back or escape because you’ve been conditioned to believe there’s no point. After being repeatedly told that nothing you do matters and having your attempts at change shut down, you just give up. You become so convinced that nothing will work that you stop seeing any way out.
Love Bombing
When someone overwhelms you with excessive attention, compliments, gifts, and promises right at the start of a relationship. They make you feel like you’ve found “the one” — your soulmate who gets you completely. It’s designed to get you hooked as fast as possible, and before they start showing their true colours.
Low Contact (LC)
Minimising contact with them as much as possible, like only talking to them through email for example. Because if you have kids, you may have to stay in contact with them still. So it’s limiting contact with them in a way that gives you some control back. (See also no contact).
Mirroring
Where the abuser mimics you to form a “deep bond”. They create the illusion that you have similar goals, morals, interests, and humour.
Narcissist
I’m going to echo what Dr Ramani says about narcissists … And that’s to not get hung up on the personality disorder itself. Because we’re not psychologists who’ve the authority to diagnose someone anyway. So think of it as a personality style, a person who has narcissistic qualities.
It’s no different to labelling someone as empathetic; we’re describing them, not diagnosing them.
Other terms you might hear for them too: Nex (narcissistic ex) and Narc (short for narcissist). (See also NPD).
Narcissistic Abuse Cycle
The predictable pattern that narcissistic relationships follow: idealise (love bombing phase where you’re perfect), devalue (criticising and undermining you), and discard (abandoning or rejecting you). Then they often hoover you back in to start the whole cycle again. It’s designed to keep you confused, trauma-bonded, and desperate for those good times to return.
Narcissistic FOG
Fear, Obligation, and Guilt: the three emotions narcissists use to control you. They make you scared of the consequences if you don’t comply, guilty for having your own needs, and obligated to put them first. It’s their way of keeping you in line by making you feel like a terrible person for wanting anything different.
Narcissistic Supply
Refers to the attention, admiration, or validation that a narcissist craves to boost their self-esteem and maintain their sense of superiority.
No Contact (NC)
Actively stopping them from ever contacting you again. So blocking their phone number, email, social media profiles or any other apps (like Amazon shared accounts). You’re removing all their access to you as best as you can to help protect yourself from further harm.
NPD
Stands for: Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The ones who are actually diagnosed narcissists. So they know they have it and are aware of it. But this is a very small percentage of people.
Parallel Parenting
A co-parenting approach where you and your ex handle parenting duties separately with minimal direct contact. You both stay involved in your kids’ lives, but avoid interacting with each other as much as possible. It’s perfect when dealing with a toxic ex because it reduces conflict and drama, whilst still letting you be present for your children.
Pity Plays
When narcissists play the victim in every story to manipulate your emotions, and trigger your empathy and compassion for them. They’ll exaggerate their struggles, bring up past traumas, or make themselves look helpless so you feel sorry for them. It’s designed to make you drop your boundaries and rush to their rescue instead of holding them accountable.
Projection
When narcissists accuse you of doing exactly what they’re doing. They’ll call you selfish whilst being completely self-centred, or accuse you of lying whilst they’re the ones being dishonest. It’s their way of avoiding responsibility for their own behaviour by making it seem like you’re the problem instead.
Reactive Abuse
When you finally snap and fight back after being pushed to your breaking point, and then they use your reaction as “proof” that you’re the abusive one. They deliberately provoke you until you lose it, then point to your outburst and highlight “how crazy you are”. It’s designed to make you question yourself and shift the blame onto you.
Self Gaslighting
When you start doing the narcissist’s job for them by questioning your own reality. You tell yourself things like “maybe I’m being too sensitive” or “it wasn’t that bad” even when you know deep down it was. It’s what happens when you’ve been gaslit so much that you automatically dismiss your own feelings and experiences.
Silent Treatment
When they punish you by completely ignoring you, refusing to speak, or acting like you don’t exist. It’s their way of making you feel invisible and worthless so you’ll come crawling back to apologise for whatever they’re sulking about. They withhold communication to regain control and make you desperate for their attention again.
Smear Campaigns
The abuser will intentionally convey false information about you with the hope of further isolating, discrediting, and controlling you. It usually involves convincing other people to adopt their same beliefs, so you’re outnumbered.
Soul-Mate Effect
When narcissists make you believe you’ve found your perfect match by mirroring everything you say and pretending to share all your interests, values, and dreams. They create the illusion that you’re meant to be together and have this deep, spiritual connection. But it’s all fake and designed to hook you in before they start showing their true colours (usually experienced during the love bombing phase).
Stonewalling
The intentional withholding of information/feelings/emotions. A narcissistic technique used when confronted with issues they don’t want to deal with. The narcissist will shut down and avoid any method you choose to try to engage with them.
The effect of stonewalling is similar to gaslighting as it is a form of manipulation. It helps the abuser gain control by encouraging you to chase them to respond to you. Therefore, you avoid any subject that could trigger their stonewalling reaction in the long term.
Trauma Bonding
The confusing emotional attachment you develop to your abuser because of the unpredictable cycle of cruelty and kindness. Your brain gets addicted to those rare moments when they’re nice to you, making you crave their approval even more. It’s why you stay even when you know you should go; you feel completely stuck despite knowing they’re bad for you.
Triangulation
When narcissists drag a third person into your relationship to create drama and make you feel insecure. They might constantly compare you to their ex, flirt with others in front of you, or get friends and family to take their side against you. It’s designed to make you compete for their attention whilst isolating you from support.