Think of narcissistic gaslighting like this:
It’s someone lying to you, but with the added intention of making you feel crazy and super unsure of yourself too.
Imagine seeing a text message that popped up on your partners phone. It was from another woman, saying what a great time they had at dinner the other night.
But your partner had told you, they went for beers with their mates. So when you confront them and ask if they’re cheating, they’ll say “no, of course not”.
But they’ll also divert your attention away from them, like:
“Why were you looking at my phone, do you not trust me? Because if you can’t trust me, how do you expect us to work?”
So now what’s happening is they’re lying to you, but they’re also turning the situation back onto you, right?
And that’s basically how narcissistic gaslighting works.
What’s Narcissistic Gaslighting?
It’s a manipulation tactic where the gaslighter controls your reality with their words.
Dr Ramani describes it as a two step process whereby the first part is denying you the truth. And the second part is flipping the untruth back onto you.
In other words, they add some extra details on to their lie to make you question yourself. And that way, you’re less focused on them and more concerned with yourself.
So if you think back to the example above, they’ve denied they’re cheating on you: “no, of course not”.
But they’ve also sidetracked you into defending yourself: “Why were you looking at my phone, do you not trust me?”
So now you’re up against accusations of invading their privacy and not trusting them.
And that’s the part you latch onto because it’s become about you. You’re distracted with proving you trust them, not proving they’ve cheated.
Why do Narcissists Gaslight?
Narcissists use gaslighting to avoid taking accountability; it’s like a diversion tactic. And what triggers that manipulation is you standing against what they’re saying.
So it’s things like you questioning their actions, or not doing what they want. And it’s also when they sense you catching on to them – like if you suspect they’re cheating.
Because the fear of admitting they’re a cheater, feels greater than living a lie. Having to own up to their actions feels much worse than upholding their fake image.
And so the closer you get to reaching that conclusion, the more they ramp up their gaslighting to deter you away from it.
So what narcissistic gaslighting does, is it trains you to adapt to their rules. It’s teaching you to be passive and very careful with your words. Because every time you do something they don’t like, things get worse for you.
It’s why you start fearing having honest conversations with them. And why you feel like you’re always walking on eggshells.
Why’s Narcissistic Gaslighting Abusive?
Because it’s a form of control that causes you to question your sanity. It’s a gradual degrading of your self worth, reality and autonomy. And they do it using the following techniques.
Examples of Narcissistic Gaslighting
Countering
This is when the narcissist plants seeds of doubt in your memory. So even if you’re sure you remember things correctly, they’ll make you question yourself. And they’ll do it by saying things like:
‘I don’t trust your memory, you’re always forgetting stuff’.
Withholding
Also known as stonewalling, which is a complete refusal to engage with you. So they’ll dismiss your concerns and invalidate your feelings.
You might find they’ll even walk away from you. Or they’ll ignore you and refuse to carry the conversation on.
‘I’m not talking to you about this’.
Diverting
Like diverting a call, they’ll just redirect you away from what they don’t want to talk about. So they might change the subject, or move your attention away from them, like:
‘I’ve got to get up for work early, so I don’t need you interrogating me right now’.
It can also be a subtle diverting, like if you asked your partner why they didn’t answer your calls or texts. And they said:
‘Why are you always checking up on me? You know I was with my friends, can’t I have a night alone with them?’
So instead of answering you and apologising, they’re blaming you. They’ve drawn your attention onto you, making you feel out of order for asking a legit question.
Because now you’re a nagging girlfriend, invading their time with their friends. And how dare you not trust them!
Denial
This can look like complete denial of a situation happening. Or even “forgetting” it ever happened.
Because if you can’t remember it, you don’t have to deal with it. You can’t force someone to remember something, so it kinda leads to a dead end.
‘I don’t know what you’re on about, that doesn’t sound like something I’d do.’
Trivialising
Invalidating your feelings, or diminishing your experiences like you don’t matter. Like saying ‘you’re too sensitive’ or that ‘you’re overreacting’ and ‘being dramatic’.
Stereotyping
Referencing negative stereotypes to help prove a point. So this can be using anyones age, gender, race, or sexual orientation to discredit their opinion. Like:
‘Is it your period? Because you’re being overly emotional today’.
Overtime, when you’ve been subjected to all these tactics, it’s enough to make you question your sanity.
And when you’ve reached that level, it makes you act all over the place. Because you’re worried you’re losing your mind, right?
So as you can imagine, you’re worried about the validity of anything. You’re doubtful of everything you do, unsure whether you can even trust your instincts. So you’re living in a pretty stressful state and fearful that you look a bit mad.
How Does Narcissistic Gaslighting Affect You?
If we go back to the cheating example, they’ve already denied it, right. But then they’ve also diverted it back to you and accused you of not trusting them.
So the next time something happens, like they go out all night and you can’t reach them.
What’s that going to do to you?
It’s going to make you fearful they’re cheating again.
But each time you try to bring it up, they get increasingly hostile with you.
So you’re probably a bit scared to raise it again. You’re also worried that maybe you’re jumping to conclusions and being paranoid.
So after a sleepless night of stress, when they walk in the door, you’re ready to scream at them. And that big reaction is exactly what the gaslighter’s looking for.
They’re waiting for it because it’s their ammo to double down on their control over you.
Because now they can gaslight you further:
They can trivialise your feelings and say ‘you’re overreacting’. Or continue denying some more and tell you they stayed at a friend’s house. And maybe even divert the conversation to you not trusting them.
So all these different techniques make you – the receiver – feel like there’s something wrong with you. And even though your gut’s telling you something’s not right, it’s not enough to override their powerful manipulation.
Because when every concern of yours becomes a battle, it makes you feel like you’re provoking them.
And that’s how narcissistic gaslighting keeps chipping away at your self doubt and your ability to trust yourself. It’s always blaming you so you feel like you’re the problem.
It’s a cycle that keeps repeating, allowing the gaslighter to rewrite your whole reality. So they determine what the relationship’s like, what to blame you for and when they tell you the truth.
The devalue stage
Narcissistic gaslighting happens in the devaluing part of the narcissistic abuse cycle. So that’s right after they’ve secured you with their love bombing.
And because you’ve just experienced adoration, the change in your dynamic feels unexpected.
So that’s where you might notice something feels a bit off. But you can’t really pinpoint exactly what that is, so you tend to overlook the red flags.
It can start off with little things like them “forgetting” a discussion you had. They’ll act like they’ve no idea what you’re talking about, despite them being the only other person who was there!
But these repeated events, they all add up – like the frog in the boiling water analogy. It’s a gradual process that eventually makes you feel like you don’t know your own mind.
It won’t be a one off incident
Gaslighting happens repetitively and the arguments feel familiar – like you’ve battled this before.
And obviously it’s not constant either; it’s dotted between bouts of happiness. Which is why you might not even know it’s happening to you.
The only evidence you have, is whether their behaviour is consistent and how they make you feel.
And we’re going to talk more on that now.
Warning Signs of Narcissistic Gaslighting
Gaslighting’s one of those things, that until you know what it means, you don’t realise there’s a name for what you’ve experienced. Because it’s not something you can just spot if you don’t know what you’re looking for.
So if you can get to grips with how it makes you feel as well, then you’ll have some extra markers for spotting it.
You feel confused and crazy
Gaslighting feels super confusing because you lose your perspective of what’s actually going on. Because when you’re constantly made to doubt yourself, you lose faith in your own judgment.
And if someone’s lying to you repetitively, with such strong conviction, it’s hard not to take their word for it.
An example of this would be you physically seeing evidence on your partners phone that they’ve been out with another woman. But they’re outright denying it, calling you ‘paranoid’ because it was ‘just a colleague’.
So in your head, you’ve seen the proof. But now you’re doubting what you’ve seen because the gaslighter is convincing you more with their version of events.
That’s what’s causing the confusion because you don’t know what to believe. You don’t know if they’re telling you the truth, or if your instincts are right.
And that feels unsettling. It makes you gaslight yourself in the process as you try to ease the mental discomfort it brings.
So you’ll find yourself explaining things away as you try to make sense of what happened. Like, ‘maybe I was just being paranoid’, or ‘I should trust my partner’.
And even if you feel hurt from it, you’ll be quick to disregard your feelings. Because when you’re so used to someone dismissing how you feel, you no longer think your emotions are valid either.
Cognitive dissonance
The confusion you experience is often the result of cognitive dissonance. And what that is, is when your beliefs don’t match up with your experiences. So they’re going against one another.
And because narcissists aren’t bad all the time, it’s like you’re having two different relationships (Sandra L Brown). So in a sense, it’s like you also have two sets of memories of them as well.
One set that’s loving and trusting. And another that’s devaluing and distrusting.
But that’s how you get this dissonance: you’re holding two contradicting images in your head and you don’t know how to make sense of them.
So it’s like you have this idea of who you think they are and who they should be. But they’re not acting in line with that.
And that’s what makes it confusing because they’ve shown you how perfect they can be. But they’re also making you doubt that.
Crazy
The more they lie to you, whilst pinning it on you, the harder it gets to distinguish what your reality is. And when you don’t have a grip of that, you feel insane.
I was convinced my boyfriend was cheating on me. There were so many signs; he would stay out all night, he was unreachable, he never wanted to have sex. I even found messages on his laptop and bodily fluids all over his camper van sheets!
Yet, every time I brought it up with him, he’d deny it. And worse, he’d convince me that it was all in my head. But his explanations never gave me a sense of relief; everything always felt unresolved for me.
But at the same time, the agro of getting to the bottom of it felt harder than letting it go. It’s like telling yourself you’re crazy, feels easier to live with than investigating what the facts might be.
You feel guilty and always at fault
You’ve been taught that if you don’t do what they want, then you’ve done something wrong. Because throughout your relationship, every time you’ve not done what they want, there’s been gaslighting.
So when they blame you, it makes you feel guilty. You connect your behaviour to their outbursts, which then leads to self blame.
And it’s a lot easier to blame yourself if you’ve had a lot of failed relationships in the past. Because if you think you’re ‘a difficult person’ and you’re somehow ‘lucky that they put up with you’, then it’s a lot easier to convince you you’re wrong.
So it makes apologising almost become second nature to you – even if you don’t know why. It’s like you develop this pattern of thinking:
‘If I just show one more sign of compromise. Or work harder at the relationship, then they won’t get mad at me anymore’.
But what that means is you start justifying their behaviour and looking for ways to excuse it. Like ‘it’s because I’m the closest person to them, that’s why they take it out on me’.
And once you start rationalising their behaviour, they can keep getting away with it. They want you to blame yourself because then you’re not faulting them.
You feel anxious
The floating between love and cruelty means you never know what you’re going to get. So you’re always anticipating something bad to happen, or wondering what’ll cause their next blow up.
And that induces a lot of worry because you don’t feel safe when your relationship’s so unpredictable.
You’re also living with the anxiety of them breaking up with you at any moment. Because as you know, relationships with narcissists aren’t plain sailing.
They’re cyclical which means you’re likely to have a lot of make ups (love bombing) and breakups (discarding). And until you get discarded there’s a lot of gaslighting in between (devaluing).
So the worry of being abandoned gets stronger the longer you endure a relationship with them. Each time you get back together, you’re hopeful things will get better. But that’s your trauma bond talking too.
You know something’s wrong, but you can’t put your finger on what it is
When you’re in a narcissistic relationship, your mental well-being takes a big hit. But you can’t make the link as to why.
So you often sense there’s something not right, but you don’t know that it’s abuse. You get so used to normalising your dynamic, that you don’t question it.
You struggle to make decisions
The constant self doubt makes you lose your ability to trust yourself. You become so unsure of yourself that even making a simple decision feels impossible.
Like trying to pick a restaurant! Little tasks feel daunting because you lack confidence in your own judgement. You’re so worried of getting things wrong that it leads to inaction and indecisiveness instead.
How to Heal From Narcissistic Gaslighting
Acknowledge there’s a problem
Take screenshots, or jot things down so you’ve a record of things. Thats how you can gage what’s going on because you’ll have evidence you can come back to. It’ll help give you some clarity and make you realise it’s not in your head.
Once you become aware of their behaviour, you need to realise you’re not responsible for it. And when you reach that point, you have to make a choice to not actively participate in it anymore.
So you need to start putting your needs ahead of your partners and focus on reclaiming your power back. And you’ll find that strength through setting boundaries. Because the more comfortable you get with them, the more you’ll relieve your effects of gaslighting.
Speak to someone you trust
Gaslighting’s a very isolating experience. And if you think you’re losing your mind, chances are you’re not going to be opening up to many people. Because when your mental health’s in question, it’s not an easy subject to broach with just anyone.
So if you can open up to someone, make sure it’s someone outside of your relationship – who doesn’t know your partner. That way you can be sure they’ll have your best interests at heart. And you’ll know they’re not being influenced by your partner.
Be mindful that not everyone will know about narcissistic gaslighting. So be careful taking advice from people who advise you to apologise. This is not good advice!! And it’s just going to land you right back under the gaslighters control.
So it might be wiser to check in with an expert who specialises in narcissistic abuse, like a therapist. Or other survivors who know what it’s like. Just make sure your feelings are validated and you find someone you’re comfortable opening up to.
Get space from them
Yes, we’re talking going no contact because it’s the only method that stops gaslighting. You’re eliminating them from the equation, which means you can’t be gaslighted.
So if you’re serious about getting better, you really need to try this. You need to allow yourself time to understand and process what you’ve been through.
Because once you know how it all works and what they’re doing to you, you can’t ignore it. You have to learn from the experience instead, otherwise you’re choosing to be a part of it.
And I’m not excusing narcissistic gaslighting, it’s abusive and it’s never your fault. But you have to get to a point where you realise you’re not completely powerless in your relationship.
And when you realise that, it helps you make better choices for yourself. So going no contact is a choice you can make, especially if you have the financial means and you don’t share children with them.
I know it’s not easy because I’ve done it myself. You’ll be tempted to contact them, you’ll find it challenging staying away and you might even break no contact and go back.
But the more you understand its importance and how it protects you, the easier it is to apply it.
Final Thoughts
I don’t expect you to spot gaslighting when it’s happening, I certainly didn’t. But when you’re given the tools to educate yourself on it, you can start relating it to your experience.
And when you see it at work, and how it makes you feel, you develop the insight you need to do something about it.
So if you feel:
- Confused, or like you don’t understand how things suddenly escalated.
- Scared to bring things up in conversation.
- Isolated from your friends and family.
- Out of control and like there’s a power imbalance between you.
- Like your boundaries are never respected.
- You’ve lost your sense of self.
- Like you struggle to make decisions.
Then these are all signs of narcissistic gaslighting. And they point to unhealthy, abusive and controlling behaviour.
So in situations like these, the best way to protect yourself is to set firm boundaries. You’re not going to be able to have a healthy relationship with someone who’s trying to manipulate you.
So rather than finding ways to deal with their gaslighting, find ways to help you distance yourself from the relationship.
Ready to take that next step? Then start here.