How to Help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship – and Empower Them to Break Free

This one gets a bit personal. But it’s necessary we put stuff out like this to help our gals in need. 

So I’m talking about a recent experience here, one I’m still in the midst of. And still very much learning about – hence this blog post. 

One of my besties, is in a bit of a pickle. She’s trying to help a friend in an abusive relationship. But the situation – as they all are – is very complex.

So I thought I’d do a little research on the topic, to help me and to help you. Together we’ll figure out the signs to look out for. As well as some tips on how you can best help your friend in an abusive relationship. 

Five Signs of Unhealthy Love

You’ve got to pick up on the signs and look beyond the adoration.

We often don’t question the notion of falling in love when it fits our cultural narrative. After all, our youth was filled watching lead male characters win back their love interest -despite all the horrors they put them through.

So when it comes to falling in love, we’re no experts in spotting the toxicity either. But Katie Hood is, and she did a Ted Talk about her five top markers of unhealthy love:

If you have the time, watch the whole video, her info is invaluable. And if you don’t you could watch it on double speed and get the info twice as fast! Failing that option, I’ve written them out below as well. Aren’t I good to you!

1. Intensity 

Also known as love bombing. Like all abusive relationships, they start off really exciting. Your friend might describe their new partner as their soulmate. Or say wishy washy things that aren’t concrete like: “We just have this indescribable chemistry”. 

Dr Ramani explains, that when you’re love bombed you don’t stand a chance against your neurochemistry. Because you’re constantly experiencing a high of dopamine and oxytocin. 

So when you’re being adored and the relationship feels exhilarating, those two hormones are pumping away all the time. And that intensifies your feelings towards this person, making it increasingly difficult to ignore (Navigating Narcissism – Red Flags in Social Media & Relationships).

Other Markers To Look Out For:

• Things in the relationship seem to be moving very quickly – like saying ‘I love you’ after a few weeks.

• The timing of the relationship – like fresh after a breakup. Or they’re in a transient phase of their life. 

The main point Hood stresses is that it’s not just how the relationship starts, but how it evolves. 

And that’s where you might need to do a bit of digging. 

Find out how your friend is really feeling in their new relationship. Like are they comfortable with the pace? Are their boundaries being respected? 

Because quite often in these abusive relationships, people struggle with identifying and processing their own emotions. So by questioning your friend’s feelings a bit more you, you might help them see the bigger picture quicker.

2. Isolation

Pretty important one here that often goes unnoticed. 

Why?

Because it’s not uncommon to enter a new relationship and go off the radar. It’s natural to want to spend time with a new love interest; you’re busy getting to know one another. But there’s a crucial difference: their new partner is controlling who they see.

Filling your friends head with misinformation. Things like “I don’t understand why you’re friends with them” or, “your mum’s so controlling of you”.

They’re relying on family and friends to abandon them. They’re fully aware of the stormy nature of the relationship and how hard it is to standby them. They want you to get frustrated and abandon your friend. Because one: it isolates them. And two: it makes them more dependable on their partner.

You can see how narcissists start gaining control of the narrative when the victim has no support around them.

So if your friend’s suddenly ghosting you or cancelling plans last minute. And it seems out of character for them, chances are they’re being pulled away from their network.

Healthy love is not controlling and manipulative. It’s about independence and making sure you both have it.

3. Jealousy

Jealousy sets in once their partner has hooked them in with adoration. I’m talking them wanting to know their every move and a real possessive demand of their time. Wanting to know who they’re with, where they are, online and offline.

And this can mask itself as paranoia and mistrust. So, accusations of them cheating or flirting, for example. Leading to your friend having to prove themselves and constantly reassure their partner.

A little mild jealousy from time to time isn’t a problem. But when it’s extreme, it comes across desperate and aggressive. And that’s not how love should feel.

4. Belittling

A fourth marker to look out for is how your friend’s partner speaks to them. 

Do they speak with undertones of nastiness woven throughout their words? Disguised as a “joke” or “you’re too sensitive”. Cruel put downs that make your friend feel embarrassed or hurt. 

The problem with this is that whenever they stand up for themselves, the backlash is being labelled a “drama queen”. So your friend might diminish their experience and feel like they overreacted.

And as Hood rightfully says, your partner’s words “should build you up, not break you down”.

5. Volatility 

The final sign of unhealthy love is volatility.

Abusive relationships are turbulent. They’re always up and down, making up and breaking up. They’re explosive arguments followed by passionate make ups and false promises of it never happening again.

But this mad rollercoaster is what helps condition them to not notice the toxicity. It’s how they become trauma bonded.

So the more of these signs, the unhealthier the relationship is. And the more we understand about unhealthy love, the better we’ll be at spotting it.

Here’s How Our Suspicions Started

Back when we first heard Sarah’s* shocking news, we didn’t know what to think. It all seemed to be very sudden, a bit of a bombshell to say the least.

We certainly weren’t prepared for what came out of her mouth next:

“I’ve actually got crazy news: I’m pregnant” she announced. 

Eva* and I sat there opened mouthed and unsure what to say next. So with caution I replied:

“Do you want to be pregnant? Like is this a good thing?” 

“I know this is pretty intense and I’m still shocked; it’s obviously unplanned. But yeah, I’ve decided to keep it.”

The only hesitation we had was that Sarah’s relationship had developed pretty fast. I mean we’re talking a matter of months. 

She went from having a long term break up at the beginning of the year. To a new relationship, three months prego and living with a guy we’d never met – all before the year was even up.

And did I mention, he was also 20 years her senior.

At the time of her announcement, we were happy, supportive and full of questions. But reflecting on our weekend afterwards, Eva and I had some reservations.

All we had was a gut feeling. But that won’t hold up in court. So what other signs could we look out for?

Is my Friend in an Abusive Relationship?

Narcissistic abuse isn’t as clear cut as a bruise on the skin. But there are some telltale signs you can lookout for:

How to Recognise the Signs of an Abusive Relationship 

A Change in Your Friend’s Behaviour or Personality

• Were they confident before and now seem insecure? 
• Have they changed their appearance? 
• Are you spending less time with them? 
• Do you hear back from them? 
• Are they missing important events? 

How you answer the above questions will reveal any changes of character.

Their Partner Makes You Feel Uncomfortable

Your friend doesn’t have to see it for you to be right. Quite often in these situations they don’t want to believe their partner is a bad person. 

So if their partner makes you feel uncomfortable, your experiences of them are just as valid.

They Put Their Partner’s Needs Above Their Own

This will only be clear from how they talk about their relationship. You might be able to sense the imbalance by the language they use to describe it. This could be situations like your friend abandoning their own plans to accommodate their partner’s wishes.

They Avoid Talking About Their Relationship

Like changing the subject when you ask about their relationship. Your friend might even know things are bad but it feels too big to deal with. So staying might feel easier than taking action to leave. It gets more complicated the more invested they are, such as sharing a child together.

On the other hand, they might feel ashamed about what they’re experiencing. So not mentioning it feels like the easier option.

Their Mood Changes if Their Partner Calls Them

In your meet ups, your friend might not seem very present with you, like they’re distracted the whole time.

Some controlling partners will also check in on them when they’re away. And maybe your friend’s mood changes after a conversation with them. Perhaps they’ve been told to hurry home. So watch for behavioural changes after they’ve had interactions with their partner; it could point to signs of an unhealthy dynamic.

Rationalising or Normalising Their Experiences

They might minimise their experiences or deflect them. But it’s important when you listen to their accounts that you pay attention to the lies they’ve been telling themselves. You can help validate their experiences.

Your friend will be in a constant battle with their inner monologue and what their partner tells them. They’ll always be hopeful that things will get better because that’s what their partners promised them. So downplaying their experiences helps them cope. 

Remember that love bombing created an unforgettable start to their relationship. Intense passion locked them in for the long haul because it showed how good things could be. So your friend will focus on that a lot to help them rationalise their partners behaviour. It helps defend their thinking that ‘they’re not that bad’.

Trust Your Gut

And lastly, listen to your gut. Your intuition is a good marker, trust it. Even if you can’t pinpoint it yet, keep following your gut until it’s disproved.

So Back to Sarah*

The lucky thing after experiencing a narcissist, is you become a bit of an expert in spotting them. Your spidey senses are alerted of anything that feels suspicious. And this time my concerns were backed by Eva*.

Despite not having the language for it at the time, Eva knew it about my ex. And she got that same feeling about Sarah’s new partner Greg*.

So she followed her hunch. And a couple of Google searches later she found some dodgy article related to Greg. That was red flag number three (one was the pace of the relationship, two was the age difference).

I won’t go into all the gory details because it’s not my place too. But I will highlight where our doubts about Greg came from.

Naturally when you meet your friends new partner, you want to make a great impression. Not Greg though, he didn’t give a shit. There were no pleasantries exchanged; he was far more interested in his phone screen than making small talk. 

Oh and popping pills whilst his pregnant girlfriend amused herself. 

How many red flags is that now? About five, right?

So, we’re on number six. 

We noticed how much Sarah began distancing herself and not following through with plans. Missing major events like her best friends wedding, New Year gatherings. She was slowly vanishing from our lives and we weren’t the only ones to notice it.

Meanwhile, old Greg’s red flag list was only getting longer. Again, I can’t reveal too much. But he’d done enough damage to worry a relative of Sarah’s. 

Nobody seemed to have a good word to say about him apart from Sarah.

She was diving in blind. And now had a baby with him, tying her to him for life.

I’m not sure how this story will end. But we couldn’t sit around and do nothing.

I know we’re always told to:

via GIPHY

But when you see a friend treated badly, it can be difficult to turn a blind eye. And you might want to help instead.

The problem is, we don’t know have a manual for how to help a friend in an abusive relationship. 

But you’ll find the closest thing below:

How to Help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship

Approach With Care

First things first, you’ve always got to broach the subject calmly. Keep it uplifting, maybe start with “it’s so nice to see you, I’ve missed hanging out”. 

Remind them of things you did together before their relationship. Like “Remember how outgoing you were? We used to have cocktail nights every week! Why don’t we do that again?”

Show them you’re a safe person they can open up to. Be supportive and don’t force the conversation. It’s a sensitive topic that’s difficult to be honest about.

Be non judgemental and help them to feel less alone. Perhaps you can relate to some of their situations and give advice on what you did. Keep the conversation balanced and less like a therapy session!

The Golden Rule You Need to Remember is This:

Helping Them Won’t be Easy

It’ll be filled with indecisive decisions; preparing to leave them one day and then going back to them the next. And you need to accept this could take a LONG time. “It takes, on average, seven attempts before a woman is able to leave for good”. 

So it’ll be frustrating to sit on the sidelines and keep watching this cycle repeat. But you can’t make the decision to leave for her. You have to be forgiving and wait for her to be ready.

Educating yourself on the inner workings of emotional abuse, like the narcissistic abuse cycle or trauma bonding, will help you understand how complex their situation is. It’ll make you more compassionate and patient with them if they keep going back.

Try your best to remain friends with them, despite the hard challenges. A lot of people won’t stick around – which is understandable. But if they can keep at least one consistent friend in their life, it’ll help provide them with the support they need. 

Keep the Focus on Their Partner’s Behaviour:

Rephrase your sentences to remove responsibility from them. So instead of saying “You have to leave them”. Say “Your partner needs to change their behaviour”. 

It sounds less victim blaming when you frame their partner as the one who needs to change. But it also highlights their partner’s behaviour as the problem, not your friend’s. You’ve got to be subtle in your approach because they’re dealing with enough already.

Keep the focus on the unhealthy behaviours but without labelling it abusive. Help them to connect the dots:

“What is an argument between you and your partner usually like?”

“How does [their partner’s name] treat you when they’re upset?”

“What do you wish things between you guys were like?”

“How do you see things playing out if nothing changes?”

Validate their responses with “that sounds tough to deal with”, “that must be hurtful”. Try and get them to acknowledge their feelings rather than pointing out the toxic behaviour.  

Don’t Insult Their Partner

Insulting their partner will only create distance between you and your friend. Because if they decide to stay, they’ll now know what you think of them. That could make them feel scared to tell you anything – worried you’ll judge them. And you don’t want your friend to feel like you’re mad at them too. It’ll only stop them talking about their situation, which is not what we want. 

You can’t control what their partner says or how they portray you, your family, or other friends. Their aim is to isolate the victim, making them easier to control and more dependent on them. 

Due to your friend’s extreme trust in their partner, they often side with them. So, they’re easily influenced to compromise their own boundaries. If their partner senses a friend’s concern, they may ramp up their tactics to push them further away. So, it’s crucial not to come on too strong, as you don’t want the situation to worsen for your friend. 

Subtlety is Key 

You want your actions to go unnoticed. So avoid writing sensitive info in messages since you don’t know if their partner has access to their phone. Instead, opt for private phone calls or in-person meetings. You could always come up with a safe word as an additional measure too.

It’s Your Friend’s Decision to Breakup  

Don’t put pressure on them to make a decision, it’ll only add to their stress. They’re already dealing with enough strain and they don’t need to feel it from you as well. 

At the end of the day, it’s your friend’s call. You can’t just tell them to dump their partner, even if it’s true — it won’t be helpful advice. Offer up helpful solutions instead, it’ll help them feel less stuck and without options.

They’re stuck in a trauma bond with their abuser, making them super loyal. Keep in mind that their partner is also controlling and manipulative. So they don’t need you bossing them around too. 

Pushing them to leave might make them feel ashamed — especially if they’re trying to keep their family together. Don’t make it seem like an ultimatum, like you’ll only be there if they leave. That can make them avoid you and isolate them further. They’ll leave when they’re ready, and you can’t rush that process. 

Watching your friend go through this is tough, and you’ll feel helpless. Remember, it’s their journey and they need to make the decision themselves. Your role is to help them find the strength they need and reassure them you’re there whatever they decide to do.

Plan Ahead

Your friend might not be aware of the patterns in her relationship. But you might be. So try and keep a note of any incidents you know about. Then at least you have a timeline and something to refer to if you need to. If gaslighting is at play, chances are her memory will be very vague. But at least you’ll have a bit of clarity.

Be prepared that things could get worse. Try and be smart and think ahead. Come up with a safety plan if they need to leave. Like would they have somewhere to stay if they left? Could you help them open up a savings account? Or keep some cash safe for them?

Take Care of Yourself

Number one priority is you. It’s an emotionally draining process that can go on for years. If it’s too much to take on, you don’t have to. Don’t be afraid to say: “I want to be there for you but I don’t have the expertise to help. How about I help you find a therapist instead?”

It’s ok to put yourself first and honour your own boundaries. After all, if you can’t help yourself, you won’t be in any shape to help her. 

Some final thoughts that I’ve realised: 

• You can’t fix your friends circumstances, you can only be there to support them.
• No matter how right you are about the situation, it won’t speed up their decision making.
• These things take a long time. It’ll test your empathy, patience and friendship. But if you can remain friends—despite all the obstacles—your steady security will give them the strength they need to see sense eventually. After all, it’s easier to leave an abusive partner when you’ve the support.
• And if it really takes an emotional toll on you, it’s ok to step away. It doesn’t make you a bad person. We all have our own shit and we’re all trying to do the best that we can. But sometimes you have to walk away. And that’s ok too. Put your oxygen mask on first.

Helping a friend in an abusive relationship is never an easy task. It’s a delicate and challenging journey that needs a lot of patience and understanding of the dynamics involved.

But fear not, you’ve now got a go to guide that’ll help you spot the red flags. And it’ll provide you with the direction you need to help your friend make more empowering decisions. 

*All the name’s in this blog have been changed to help protect the privacy of those affected.