Leaving a narcissist will be the most brutal break-up you’ve ever had.
There’s no mutual ending, no closure, and it’s probably not going to end amicably between you.
You may even have to try leaving them more than once.
I’m guessing you’re emotionally exhausted from trying to make the relationship work.
Perhaps you’ve had enough and realised it shouldn’t be this hard all the time.
I know the feeling.
It’ll take every inch of your determination and strength to leave them. But it’s possible.
So, keep reading to find out what you need to know to leave a narcissist.
Why leaving a narcissist is so hard
Leaving a narcissist is hard because you’re also leaving a powerful manipulator. They know what makes you tick and how to control every aspect of your emotions. It’s all about power for them, and they act accordingly when they feel it slipping away.
They’re experts at confusing, blaming, gaslighting, and persuading you to stay with them. So deciding to leave them isn’t easy – especially when there’s a lot to think about.
What to expect from a narcissist after leaving them
Brace yourself and expect all of the following to happen; it’s better to be prepared for the worst:
You won’t get any closure
Accept that you won’t get any closure from them when you leave. This could be for various reasons, but for one, they don’t care about your needs.
You can read more about why you get no closure from a narcissist here.
They’ll never change – not even for the next person
Your past relationship with them reflects what their future relationship’ll look like. The new partner will experience the same cyclical patterns you did. Pray for them – you know they’ll need it!
Expect them to get into another relationship immediately after you
If they left you, chances are it was for someone else. They always need a supply to function. So block them on social media because watching them parade their new relationship will hurt you.
They may pop back into your life if you don’t block them
They might look for opportunities like your birthday to reconnect with you. Don’t interact with them and ignore their attempts to hoover you back in. Also, don’t hope for them to contact you. It won’t be genuine and it’ll only set you back if you get sucked back into their world.
Divorcing them won’t be easy
Especially if you’re leaving them, for example, they might fight for custody of children just to spite you. So be prepared for chaos and equip yourself with a lawyer who understands narcissistic abuse.
What stops you from leaving a narcissist?
Love
The intense love you feel for your partner can make it difficult to imagine a life without them. Even though it’s an unhealthy love, you’re unaware of it. And sadly, love won’t make someone change their behaviour.
Fear
You’re scared of the potential consequences of leaving them, such as:
- What they may do if they find out.
- Fear they might hurt you.
- Worried about what others will think.
- How you’ll cope without them.
- Whether things could be worse alone.
Hope
Narcissistic relationships work because the abused person is driven by hope. They hope the relationship will improve, the narcissist will change, or they’ll be able to rescue them. We convince ourselves that if we love them enough, they’ll get better and change for us; we think we can fix them.
The extent of your commitment
You might’ve been together for a long time. You could be tied to them by rent, or own property together. You could be engaged, or have children. The more committed you are to them, the more complex the decision to leave is.
Your financial situation
The narcissist often gets you financially reliant on them – to isolate you further. Not having any savings outside your relationship makes you financially dependent on them. It, therefore, limits your options to support yourself (or your children) without them.
Dissociation
When you experience a lot of abuse, your mind can block out the painful parts to cope better. So you might not remember all the harmful incidents as you’re brains trying to protect you from the pain.
Rationalisation/normalisation
Things get normalised/rationalised, and we make excuses for their behaviour. Red flags get minimised when we highlight their positive qualities, like they may be a great provider, they’re successful, or they’ve made some progress. But we invalidate our experiences in the process and deny the severity of the situation.
Dopamine
During every love bombing phase, dopamine courses through the brain from the hits of adoration you received. In turn, it triggers the brain’s reward system. So, when you decide to leave, that same part of the brain is re-activated to try and keep you there. It can be why we keep coming and going from the relationship.
Trauma bonding
Your gut might tell you to leave them, but you feel trapped by your emotional ties, also known as the trauma bond. Narcissists aren’t awful all the time, and you would’ve shared some good memories with them too. This is why it’s so complicated to see how harmful they really are.
Don’t be a victim of the Sunk Cost Fallacy when deciding to leave a narcissist
Ok, I know what you’re thinking; the above is a pretty daunting list to read and likely hits a nerve.
But have you ever found yourself justifying your relationship based on how much time and effort you put into it?
Let me explain:
When making logical decisions about your relationship, you must ignore the sacrifices you’ve already made. Instead, think of how much more you could lose should you spend your future with them. Or, on the flip side: how much happier could you be without them?
In Rolf Dobelli’s book, The Art of Thinking Clearly, he mentions this thinking error:
‘The sunk cost fallacy is most dangerous when we have invested a lot of time, money, energy or love in something. This investment becomes a reason to carry on, even if we are dealing with a lost cause. The more we invest, the greater the sunk costs are, and the greater the urge to continue becomes.’
Just because you’ve been together for a long time doesn’t justify staying together. Instead, try and separate your emotions and be analytical about the decision. Again, applying logic to your relationship and forgetting what you’ve already invested helps avoid this error.
The narcissistic abuse cycle is hard to see
You might notice you feel bouts of happiness and depression throughout the relationship. But the cycle often goes unnoticed because one emotion isn’t dominant the whole time.
Their bad behaviour, like silent treatment (devaluing), hurls you into confusion. It keeps you second-guessing and wondering what you’ve done wrong. So you find yourself working hard to make the relationship work and proving your love to them.
They swoop back in at the cusp of your limits and shower you with adoration (idealisation). With no accountability, they’ll continue in the relationship as if nothing was ever wrong. To keep the peace, you say nothing because the bliss is worth it.
But this creates an uncomfortable feeling in you, silenced by your rationalisation and excuses for them. And the fleeting stages repeat with different degrees of devaluation, each slowly grinding your boundaries away.
All their devaluing is designed to instil confusion and have you walk on eggshells—anything to stop them from repeating their hostile behaviour, even at the cost of your dignity. So you minimise your behaviour in the hope it’ll maintain harmony in your relationship.
Leaving the narcissist is often considered during the devaluation stage as it’s the most testing. However, the battle to leave them gets increasingly tricky because they intercept you with hoovering.
Should you tell the narcissist, you’re leaving?
If you express wanting to leave the relationship, they spice up their tactics to keep you. So say hello to every hoovering technique in the narcissistic handbook because they’ll do what they can to stop you. They’ll attempt to draw you back with various manipulative tactics, ranging from positive to negative reinforcement.
At their core, a narcissists’ biggest concern is someone abandoning them. When they sense that rejection is coming, they do their best to avoid it. From victim playing to guilt tripping you, they’ll display an array of performances to subject you to stay with them—anything to protect their ego.
My ex loved saying things like:
‘I can’t imagine a life without you, not knowing where you are,’
‘there’s still so much adventure I want to have with you,’ or
‘if I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t be here.’
He always had the perfect speech to accompany his desperate tears, guilting me for upsetting him. Finally, I would buckle, give him another chance and vow to myself it would be different this time. But giving them another chance also gives them another opportunity to hurt you again.
Not telling the narcissist you’re thinking of leaving them gives you the power. It’s your protective shield of armour against all their fake promises and manipulation. If they know, they won’t allow you to end the relationship on your terms because they always want control.
What if the narcissist catches you leaving?
When you’re prepared and ready to leave the narcissist, try and make it quick. Once they become aware of your intentions, avoid engaging in a conversation about it. Instead, stick to the facts, keep it brief and don’t give them a chance to suck you back in.
You don’t owe them anything, so don’t be fooled by their crocodile tears or pleas to win you back. Try and detach your emotions and only give them the necessary details. Then, get your plan in motion and out of there as fast as possible.
It might be helpful to have someone nearby to support you, especially if you think they could be a danger to you. They’ll be less likely to try something if they know there’s a witness close.
When’s it time to leave a narcissist?
Leaving a narcissistic relationship is far more complex than a non-abusive relationship. But if you’re contemplating it, start putting an escape plan into action as soon as possible (see below).
Narcissistic relationships always exhibit a pattern. So if you notice the highs follow the low moments, you need to break your cycle.
Your relationship has probably felt like an emotional rollercoaster, up and down, happy, then sad. The downs have left you fighting to get the relationship back on track and hoping that someday things will be better again — just like before. And the ups are only ever temporary.
As soon as you notice this repeating pattern, it indicates their predictable behaviour will never change. The relationship doesn’t improve; it repeats its course, just like a rollercoaster ride.
I’m not going to lie; I found it impossible to leave my ex. There were moments when I was desperate to crawl out of his grasp. But I felt so confused, and the thought of not being with him felt greater than staying in the relationship. It was incredibly overwhelming, and I hadn’t experienced a relationship like it before, let alone heard of one.
So, I was oblivious to the signs and didn’t have the education to know what I was up against. Unfortunately, there’s no black and white answer to advise you on when to leave these kinds of relationships. But trust the day will come when you’re at your limits and entirely drained by them.
Your gut will also hint when something doesn’t feel right. Just know the narcissist’s manipulation can overpower it. So, awareness of their tactics helps you recognise their problematic behaviour.
And if the narcissist leaves you?
Count your blessings!
When a narcissist leaves you, they’re doing you the biggest favour, however painful it’ll feel in the moment.
Gathering the strength and courage to leave them is the hardest part. You’ve probably been considering it for months, possibly years. So if they break it off with you, take it as a sign that they’re doing the best thing for you.
That doesn’t mean it will be any easier; there’s undoubtedly a trauma bond to break. But if they give you the silent treatment and they’re unobtainable, use it as an opportunity to break free.
That was my situation.
My ex ended it. He was very cold and unempathetic and watched me cry my heart out without a shred of remorse. I knew he didn’t want me anymore, blamed me for all our downfalls, and I knew I wouldn’t see him again.
Yet he still attempted to keep in touch, keep tabs on me and chucked the odd hopeful breadcrumb my way. But after some time apart, I came to my senses. I realised that I would never heal if he kept interfering with my life.
I came to the conclusion I needed to block him from accessing me. I wasn’t his property, and he didn’t deserve to know me anymore. And day by day, it got easier.
He means nothing to me now.
To be honest, I felt like I never knew the real him anyway. That helped me move on quicker because I felt like I was grieving a stranger. After all, he’d lied to me from the beginning, and I was only ever in love with a façade.
So I hope you realise how lucky you are if they dump you! And even if they discard you, you should still take action to protect yourself.
How to prepare for leaving a narcissist
When preparing to leave a narcissist, there’s a lot to think about. Your emotions will run wild, and you’ll doubt yourself every step of the way. But the more planning you can do beforehand, the more mentally prepared you’ll become.
A plan of action can help lower your stress as you know what you need to do to be ready to leave. So let’s take a closer look.
Before leaving a narcissist:
✅ Open up to someone you can trust
Finding someone trustworthy that you can be open and honest about your intentions is important. You’ll need support when leaving a narcissist because it’ll be one of life’s toughest challenges.
Narcissists can isolate you from your friends and family. So, there’s a possibility you may’ve retreated from them for a while. However, don’t let that phase you from reconnecting with them. They might not’ve been aware of the mental strain you were facing.
Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Confide in someone who won’t judge you for your past actions; you were just trying to survive from day to day. I’m sure when you explain the emotional abuse, they’ll be understanding and compassionate and try to help you.
Try and implement this sooner rather than later; you want to know you’ll have their support before you actually leave.
Before leaving a narcissist:
✅ Co-ordinate a safety plan
The National Domestic Violence Hotline has devised an interactive online guide for you to fill in to create a safety plan.
They designed it to help you figure out all the necessary steps you’ll need to take before leaving your abuser. You’ll tailor the information to your needs and develop your own safety plan to keep. It’ll point out any potential risks you need to consider. And give you a guide to refer to so you don’t forget anything vital along the way.
Before leaving a narcissist:
✅ Know the when, the where, the what, the who and the how
Isaac Smith, a Holistic Psychotherapist, was interviewed on the Something Was Wrong Podcast. He explained five key points you should know when planning your exit from your abuser. Make sure before you leave that you have all the answers to the following:
When?
- When will be the best time to leave?
- Do you need to ensure your partner’s out of the house?
- Could you leave while they’re asleep?
Where?
- Where will you go?
- Do you have any family or friends you can stay with?
- Will you have to find a shelter?
What?
- What essential items will you need? You want to ensure you take any important documents (e.g. passport) and medications with you. Take everything you can’t afford to lose because you don’t want to risk having to go back. You also don’t want them to hold anything as a ransom for your return.
Who?
- Who’ll be there for you?
- Who’s reliable and supportive?
- Is there someone safe you can confide in?
How?
- How will you make your escape?
- Do you have transport covered?
- Will someone collect you?
Before leaving a narcissist:
✅ Ensure you understand your emotions
You’re likely to have mixed emotions through the process. You’ll be devastated, scared and worried, to name a few. Be ok with that. It is going to feel uncomfortable. Expect to have intense reactions. Just don’t let it stop you. You deserve better.
If you can afford to, invest in therapy, particularly one with narcissistic abuse expertise. They can support your emotions and help you plan to leave them.
Inform yourself, make sure you have support and plan as much as possible.
Before leaving a narcissist:
✅ Set up a separate bank account
Set up a bank account ahead of time if you don’t already have one. Allow yourself time to gather enough money to be independent of them.
Before leaving a narcissist:
✅ Remind yourself they won’t change
Keep reminding yourself that you weren’t always happy. Write down every bad thing they did so you have it to refer to. Remember, you’ve already tried everything to make it work. It isn’t your responsibility to fix them; the onus is on them to change.
Educate yourself on their abusive tactics so you know their inner workings and how they manipulate you. It’ll help you avoid falling back into a relationship with them.
Before leaving a narcissist:
✅ Be prepared to cut them out from your life permanently
This might not be possible for everyone and will also depend on your partner’s danger to you. But if there is no reason, like children, to bound you to them, then you need to go no contact permanently.
Cutting them out of your life is the only way to break the cycle. Unfortunately, you can’t allow them an in to your life because they will take it — especially when they don’t have another supply. So, you must be prepared to block their number and social media accounts.
Delete anything that will encourage you to dwell on the good times. So, love bombing messages or photos of when you were happy. It can be harmful to keep reminiscing those memories and will hinder you from moving on from them.
What happens after leaving a narcissist?
There are not enough stories of happy endings out there. The news portrays so many negative headlines that it’s hard to filter out the positive ones. We need encouraging endings to help inspire others to a hopeful future.
It’s been over four years since I was in my toxic relationship, and I’m much happier. I’m very thankful to be where I’m now.
I’m relieved to be in a safe and stable relationship finally. And perhaps it’s made me more appreciative of what I’ve got now because of what I went through. But, I was very determined to turn a negative chapter in my life into something positive.
I wanted to give it meaning, hence why I started this blog. Both Laura and I wanted to put our stories out there in the hope of helping others. We wanted to turn our pain into purpose and use it as a tool to teach others.
The experience was the most traumatic thing I went through, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But it was the catalyst for my personal development and motivation to help others through their darkest times. And for that, I am grateful.
Final thoughts
When you don’t understand narcissistic abuse and how it works, you don’t see the abuse. And you don’t even know how to explain your relationship to others.
Knowing about it doesn’t necessarily mean that leaving’ll be easy. But, it gives you an understanding of why it’s so hard. I hope that offering up my experiences with explanations passes on the knowledge I lacked before.
You’re probably wondering: would I have left if I’d known what I know now?
It’s hard to say. But I’m optimistic that it could help you make that decision.
Awareness is key. And I think the more we know about narc abuse, the more informed decisions we can make.
But, I think we need to change the narrative of our conversations about leaving abusive relationships. So much burden gets placed on the survivor with questions like ‘why didn’t you leave?’ Instead of asking the perpetrator, ‘why did you treat them that way?’
It puts a lot of responsibility onto survivors without understanding the complexity of trying to leave a narcissist. So, be kind and compassionate if you know someone trying to leave an abusive partner; it’s probably the most challenging thing they’ve ever had to do.
I want to dedicate this post to the most inspiring woman I know, who battled her way out of an abusive marriage with three beautiful children. She survived everything that came her way and came out stronger than ever. Her story is powerful and encouraging, and I hope you know that bravery exists in you too 🤍
Click here next to learn about life after leaving a narcissist. You know, for inspo to help you weigh up that decision (*spoiler* life get’s sweeter)!