How do you know when it’s love bombing vs genuine interest?
Because we all like the idea of being whisked off to Paris for a spontaneous weekend away!
That’s a difficult one for anyone to pass up (especially your gal who accepted a helicopter ride)!
But after a few dates, that kind of spontaneity should be ringing alarm bells in your head.
And I’ll tell you why…
A bold invitation to Paris could be the start of love bombing.
But…
To play devils advocate, it could also be a sign of someone’s generosity, wealth and genuine interest.
So how can you ever know?
For one, after you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse, a date to Paris will freak you the F out!
And two, you’ll be questioning EVERYONES motives and doubting you won’t be able to spot the difference.
And that’s completely normal and just shows how aware you’ve become.
But your rose tinted glasses are off now and your discernment’s only going to get stronger—especially after you’ve read through this blog…
Love Bombing vs Genuine Interest – Which One’s Which?
When you’re fresh on the dating scene again (after narcissistic abuse), one of your main concerns is whether someone’s affection is real or fake.
Like if they bring you flowers, is that too keen and love bomby? Or is it just kind and thoughtful?
It’s hard to tell, right?
What’s more, is you’re not going to know right away either. But knowing what sets them apart will help you gauge which one’s which.
Love Bombing
Love bombing feels fucking incredible in the beginning, there’s no doubt about it. Who doesn’t love being showered with affection and attention? Being constantly praised and admired?
The fireworks, the dopamine, the oxytocin – they’re a potent mix that you don’t stand a chance against!
Because when you have someone who’s desperate to be with you – who you’re equally obsessed with – thats a difficult connection to ignore.
And it’s impossible to leave something when it feels that good. Which is why narcissists are so successful at securing relationships quickly.
They’re putting their best foot forward and showing you their idealised version of themself. And in turn, you willingly give up your loyalty and commitment to them.
You’ll do anything to keep this high going because of the goods they’re promising you in return.
You therefore – unknowingly – fall for who they’re pretending to be. Since the person you think you’re in love with, doesn’t actually exist.
Which means a relationship with a narcissist isn’t about falling in love, it’s about being brainwashed into their abusive cycle.
Love Bombing and Devaluation
One of the key markers of love bombing is that it doesn’t last. Dr Ramani even describes it like ‘a vacation’ because once it’s over, the fun ends too.
So a relationship with a narcissist always begins with love bombing, which is also known as the idealisation stage.
And it’s the first part of the narcissistic abuse cycle, to basically get you attached to them as quickly as possible. So they’re throwing everything they’ve got at you – compliments, affection, gifts – all in the hope of cornering you into a relationship with them.
And as soon as you feel secure and wanted in your relationship, thats when the devaluation begins.
But it starts off subtle, it’s behaviour you might question and think was a bit off. But you’ll likely explain it away because there’s nothing to compare to —yet.
And then what happens over time, is these incidents get more frequent. There’s gaslighting, followed by self doubt, maybe some silent treatment and you feeling confused.
And their drastic change in behaviour makes you question things. Perhaps you even confront them and threaten to break it off with them.
But the more you assert yourself, the more they don’t like it and push back. Like discarding you and disappearing for a while.
And this cycle can keep repeating because of hoovering. Which is a tactic they use to reel you back in again.
But the more you succumb to it, the stronger your trauma bond gets. And makes it increasingly difficult for you to leave.
So love bombing and devaluation, discarding and hoovering are all part of the cycle. And if you feel like you keep reliving the same patterns over and over, it’s a sign you experienced love bombing —not genuine interest.
Here’s Some Love Bombing Examples:
The “soulmate” effect
The narc creates the illusion they’re everything you’ve been looking for. You’ll have the best first date ever when you meet them.
They’ll really impress you with the show they put on, appearing like the most charming and attentive person you’ve ever met. And they do that by mirroring all your wants and needs.
So they fabricate the “soulmate” effect by making it seem like they share your values, hobbies and life goals. Because that’s how they get you interested – you’re not going to let your soulmate pass you by.
Future faking
This is when your partner makes grand promises that they never follow through on. So they’re setting your sights on a perfect future and getting you to hold out for it.
But with no intention of actually making it happen.
It’s like an incentive to put up with their bad behaviour. Because you’re always waiting and hoping for the special day to come around.
Like “I can’t wait to take you to my family’s beach house in Marbella!” But it never actually happens.
So they’re kinda just telling you whatever you want to hear to get you into a relationship with them. And they’re getting their intel from all your deep and revealing chats by studying your every word.
It’s subtle because it’s hard to notice that you’re attaching yourself to a fake future. You’re more enjoying the chemistry and rarity of meeting such a compatible partner.
You’re not exactly doubting them yet, you’re excited by the potential instead.
Intense and frequent flattery
Narcissists know how to build you up to make you feel good about yourself, like connecting to your love language.
So whatever yours is, they’ll find ways to appeal to it. They’ll figure out how you like to be loved and use that to feign intimacy with you.
For example, if yours is words of affirmation, you’ll hear compliments and praise. But if it’s physical touch, they’ll be holding your hand, hugging you and PDA-ing you all over town.
It’s very subtle love bombing because it feels like they’re really attentive and know you. So it comes across as meaningful and thoughtful, rather than manipulative!
But it’s all part of their act of making you feel unique and special and unlike anyone they’ve ever met before.
You might also hear them make comments like ‘I’m so lucky to have you’ and ‘my friends are so jealous of us’. And these remarks tie into your belief that you’re soulmates.
It’s easing you into being emotionally reliant on them, as well as depending on their reassurance.
Because they’re putting you on a pedestal that’s so high, that when they no longer dote on you, you’re fighting hard to get it back.
They’re always available
Whether it’s messaging or calling, they’re letting you know they’re available to you.
Loving goodnight messages, ‘missing you at work babe’, or sending you cute memes, to look like they’re always thinking about you. Which just strengthens your attachment to them.
But on the flip side, they could also be leaving you wanting more. Like boundary testing to see if you’ll forgive them for disappearing for hours on end.
So maybe you’re mid texting and then they suddenly disappear and stop replying to you. Dropping back into your DMs a few days later with:
‘something came up’, or ‘forgot to charge my phone’, or ‘I’ve been really busy at work’, [insert usual crap excuse].
If it happens once, let it slide, it could be a genuine excuse. But if it continues on into your relationship, it looks like the start of a pattern that’s evolving into silent treatment.
Fast moving
Saying ‘I love you’ can be a quick thing with narcs, like within a few weeks, or months of dating. My friend Laura, her narc told her she loved her after ten days! How’s that for speedy?!
So you’re moving through relationship milestones hard and fast, with no time to think – that’s how they like it.
Because when things move quickly, there’s no time to process what’s happening. You’re more fixated on the next stage of progression, like moving in together, or getting engaged, rather than questioning things.
They don’t want you thinking things through, they want you committing to them. Because once they’ve secured you into a relationship with them, they know they’ve got you.
A relationship should progress gradually, feel safe and comfortable. The excitement builds and doesn’t go full steam ahead without giving you a chance to stop and reason.
Gift-giving (but with strings attached)
They lavish you with expensive, or thoughtful gifts to buy your love and devotion.
But as I said earlier, everything in the relationship revolves around them. So that’s why there’s more to their generosity.
It’s not just a bunch of flowers, it’s what that bouquet represents for them. Which is admiration and validation from you: ‘you’re so generous and kind babe, thank you for these gorge flowers!’
It’s also a subtle way to control the day, like ‘I’ve done this nice thing for you, you owe me’. So be careful with what gifts you accept and see how things pan out after them.
The constant need to want to be around you
Wanting to always be with you can look like adoration, but it could actually have controlling undertones.
You see it’s a way to reduce your autonomy and isolate you. Because they want you to be spending all your time with them and not with your friends.
So make sure you’re mindful of your independence outside of the relationship. And you don’t get so caught up in the relationship, you neglect your friends.
Chemistry
This word gets chucked around a lot onscreen. But what does it even mean to have chemistry with someone? Because it’s not exactly something you can put your finger on.
Like you can describe someone’s respectful and kind actions towards you. But chemistry, that’s more of a feeling we go off.
It’s that adrenaline rush of ‘god this feels good but dangerous at the same time’.
And it’s a hard one to ignore because it feels exciting. But it tends to be short lived and hugely toxic.
Put it this way, I’ve never had a relationship end well with someone I’ve had strong chemistry with. It’s safer to opt for romance over chemistry.
What Does Love Bombing Sound Like?
Genuine Interest
Genuine interest tends to be less showy than love bombing. It’s your steady and respectful connection that builds over time and isn’t too intense.
So it’s about feeling secure and valued for who you are. Rather than impressing you with big displays of affection and putting you on a pedestal.
Which – let’s be honest – feels a bit boring when you’ve experienced what love bombing offers.
So what you’ve got to realise —that’s kind of key to helping you understand the difference between love bombing vs genuine interest is:
You can’t aspire to have a love like love bombing ever again.
Let me explain…
Love bombing isn’t real love. It’s only there to uphold the cycle and keep you interested. It’s manipulation disguised as love.
But accepting that reality feels too difficult because it means accepting your relationship isn’t real. And that’s fucking hard.
So what you need to realise is falling in love like that brings the abuse with it too. You can’t have one, without the other.
So don’t base your idea of how love’s supposed to be by what you experienced with a narcissist. And instead, learn what healthy love looks like.
“To truly love we must learn to mix various ingredients – care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, and trust, as well as honest and open communication.”
Bell Hooks
Signs of genuine interest
I’m in a healthy relationship, nearly five years strong now. And I was thinking back to the start of us and how I knew he was genuinely interested in me.
Like what were some key signs, so I can pass on my discernment to you. And here’s what I came up with:
They’re true to their word
One thing with narcissists is they make a lot of promises that they never follow through on. So their words don’t match their actions.
But someone who’s genuinely interested in you will be reliable. And if they plan to take you somewhere on a date – they will.
Their behaviour is consistent
Love bombing is temporary, which means they won’t treat you well for long. The best you’ll get out of a narcissist is six months max. After that, their act will slowly drop as you settle into the domesticity of a long term relationship.
So if someone really likes you, they won’t be switching between cruelty and kindness all the time. And instead they’ll make you feel appreciated, validated and respected.
They’re interested in what you have to say
Conversations shouldn’t just be one sided with someone bragging about their accomplishments.
The person you’re dating should be interested in what you have to say too —even the mundane day to day stuff.
There’s clear communication
I love this quote:
‘If they like you, you’ll know. If they don’t, you’ll be confused’.
I knew my partner liked me because he told me. And the confusion often comes from someone who isn’t clear with their communication and feelings.
I think you know the type – the one who doesn’t text you back. Or asks you, ‘what you up to?’ at 10pm at night.
I just don’t believe anyone is ever that busy to not have the time to text you back. Do you reply when you like someone? Because that’s your answer.
Don’t be swayed by what they’re doing. And instead, model the style of communication you want and need. Because it’ll be clear when they don’t match your vibe.
They respect your boundaries
So when you want alone time, or you want to see your friends, they’re not going to make you feel guilty for that. Basically, your boundaries won’t be met with resistance.
It feels slow
When you’re with someone, who’s genuinely interested in you vs love bombing you, things move at a steadier pace. So it feels comfortable and your feelings develop slowly.
And it was exactly like that for me and my partner. (Although getting air rescued off a mountain did speed up declaring our love to each other! But thats a whole different story for another day)!
It never felt rushed and I always had time to think things through. Because when you slow down, you’ve time to judge things properly and you learn more about your situation.
And I’m not going to lie, it wasn’t as exciting as being with a narcissist! But it felt a lot safer and thats much more important than chasing a thrill with an expiry date.
You need to give yourself a chance to settle in and undo all the unhealthy patterns you previously learnt. And that just takes time. So you need to be patient with your feelings.
It’s a two-way street
And that means things feel balanced and not like only one of you holds the power.
You’re both equally invested in the relationship and want the best for each other. So when it comes to making arrangements, it’s a joint effort too. Like, ‘does this date work for you?’.
So there’s more back and forth, rather than a whisking you off of your feet, trying to dazzle you into bed!
How to Stop Love Bombing
I don’t think you can necessarily prevent love bombing from happening to you. It’s more about being aware it could be happening.
And by learning from your experiences of narcissistic abuse —as well as understanding them better— you’ll get more confident in spotting it.
Because the main problem with love bombing is it feels exhilarating. And like with anything exhilarating, it’s hard to pull yourself away from it.
So all you can do when you’re dating someone new, is to look out for patterns developing. And remember Dr Ramani’s rule of three:
The first time something happens, it happens.
The second time something happens, it’s a coincidence.
The third time something happens, it’s a pattern and it’s time to leave.
So be cautious, take it slow and don’t ignore the cues. And try the following tips:
Test them
What I mean by that is, see how they respond to you putting up boundaries. Or what happens if they get disappointed.
Narcissists are entitled people, so they don’t respond well to friction! So you can gauge a lot from their reactions. Like how do they react to someone cutting them off in traffic?
Because yeah, that’s annoying for anyone to deal with. But a narcissist, will have an adverse reaction to it. There’s even research to support this that shows narcissists to be more dangerous at driving.
So if you want a clear sign, try and get a ride with your date sometime!
Learn about yourself before you date again
It’s not a good idea to date if you’re desperate to be loved, or you’re scared you won’t meet someone. Or you feel super insecure. Because those mixed together make dating very risky for you.
It leaves you vulnerable to toxicity and overlooking red flags. Because your need to be with someone feels stronger than your ability to protect yourself and maintain healthy boundaries. If you’re starving for love, you’ll settle for less than you deserve.
So take a period of abstinence before you hit the dating apps again. And not for just a couple of months. It takes time to learn about yourself as well as undo the damage from your previous relationship.
Trust your gut
One of the things that happens after a traumatic relationship, is you lose your ability to pick up on the signals your body’s sending you. Because your mind and body aren’t talking to one another.
So if you think back to your narc relationship, you got used to overriding your feelings over and over again. Because that’s what helped you maintain the relationship longer – pandering to their needs instead of yours.
So now, when your gut is signalling to you that something’s wrong, you don’t pick up the sensations. But you can actually teach yourself to understand your bodily responses better.
Which is known as somatic practice. It’s a way for you to create a stronger mind and body connection. So that you can understand and quickly respond to your body’s warning signals.
You can even learn how to do it by yourself, with courses like this. (And it’s cheaper than the cost of a therapy session)!
Your intuition is always right, you just need to know how to connect to it.
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Healthy and Unhealthy Relationship Signs
Been dating for a while and heading down the path to becoming “official”?
Then make sure you understand the below signs for a healthy and unhealthy relationship. Because as your relationship evolves, patterns can become more obvious.
Healthy relationship:
- Your experiences and opinions are respected
- It’s compassionate and consistent
- Their actions match their words
- You feel validated
- There’s compromise from both sides
- It’s safe and comfortable
- You can be honest and express your needs/wants freely
- You don’t fear being criticised, mocked or humiliated.
- It’s balanced and doesn’t feel like you love them more than they love you.
- But it can also feel like: it’s “boring” and too easygoing (because you’re not used to a healthy dynamic).
Unhealthy relationship:
- It feels invalidating
- It’s inconsistent
- You’re always trying to interpret signals
- Feels confusing and manipulative
- It’s dismissive and mocking
- Game playing, a mix of hot and cold
- Unequal and you don’t know where you stand
- But it can also feel like: Butterflies, excitement, seductive and a can’t-live-without-you love.
Love bombing vs genuine interest:
On paper they’re easier to distinguish. But in real life, not so much. There’s more at play when emotions are involved.
But one of their key differences is the intent behind them. And it’s only with time where you’ll really notice which one you’re dealing with.
I don’t want you to be afraid to date again. I just want you to be more well informed so you can make better decisions about who you decide to date.
Recognising the signs and understanding how they look, will empower you to protect yourself from love bombing. But also appreciate genuine interest when it comes your way.
So remember what you’ve learnt here. And should you ever need your suspicions validated, be sure to bookmark this blog so you can come back to it.